307. Baby Fever
Aired November 28, 2000
When Kitty and Laurie help look after a friend's baby, Kitty starts to feel like she wants another kid. Eric offends Donna by suggesting she should be a stay-at-home mom. Meanwhile, Jackie crashes Kelso's van.
Quote from Kitty
Kitty: See, if we had a baby right now we could be giving it a bath. We could be putting it in its warm little jammies.
Red: Yeah. It's a shame that we have to crawl into bed for eight hours of uninterrupted sleep instead. Come on. You don't really want another baby.
Kitty: Well, I don't know. I only have a few years left where I even have the option.
Red: Well, just because you can have a baby doesn't mean you should. I have a snowblower, but I don't use it in July.
Kitty: Red, it just- It feels like maybe we've done everything important there is to do. We saved up. We got our house. We had our kids. Now what's left to look forward to?
Red: Peace and quiet. [baby crying]
Kitty: Well, I just can't believe we're never gonna hear that sound in our house again.
Red: Well, until we have grandchildren.
Kitty: [laughs] Grandchildren! Oh, I forgot about grandchildren! [kisses Red] [exits]
Red: So did I.
Quote from Eric
Kitty: And besides, your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Red: Oh? Then I'll do it.
Kitty: No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Eric: Oh, golly, Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass.
Red: Hey. What did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the devil?
Quote from Laurie
Laurie: [to the baby] This is Aqua Net. The same stuff Farrah uses. And she's got a big TV show, and she's married to Lee Majors. So, Aqua Net, very important.
Quote from Donna
Donna: So, turns out my super-sensitive guy boyfriend wants me to be a baby machine. [scoffs] What a dill-hole.
Eric: Donna, I'm sitting right here.
Donna: That's why I said it, you dill-hole.
Eric: Donna, the only reason I thought you'd stay home with the babies is because only every woman has done it for the entire history of time. So, don't be mad at me. Be mad at your foremothers. Yeah.
Jackie: That is so typical. As if every woman wants to spend her life as a pampered housewife raising kids and organizing the help. Wait. Isn't that what every woman wants?
Hyde: Donna, man Forman's just limited by his experiences. As the voice of a new generation of smart, independent women you need to make this dill-hole realize that a mind and spirit like yours has more options than your mothers had.
Donna: [laughs] Yeah. Sorry. What?
Eric: All right, Donna. So are we cool? [Donna smushes a cake in Eric's face]
Quote from Donna
Donna: Hey. Check it out. I got my first story in the school paper.
Eric: Neat. Oh. They spelled your name wrong. Apparently you're "Donna Pincipotti."
Kelso: That's funny 'cause it's got the potty sound in it.
Donna: Hey, you know what else is a funny sound? [slaps Kelso's head]
Quote from Kelso
Hyde: Where the hell is Jackie with your van, man? I want to get out of here.
Kelso: Ah, she had to help her aunt move a couch.
Fez: Why did you lend Jackie your van? She hates you, man.
Kelso: Well, I'm trying to get on her good side, Fez. I mean, this is a small town with a limited number of women. And I've already gone all the way through 'em once, and now I'm back to Jackie. Oh. And I love her.
Quote from Red
Red: Geez, Bob. You got your fingers in the cheese.
Kitty: Remember how cute Laurie and Eric were when they were babies? They used to just laugh and play.
Red: Well, every time I was around all they did was scream.
Kitty: I just think it would be nice to have a baby around the house again.
Red: Oh, damn it, Bob. Get your fingers out of the cheese.
Quote from Kelso
Kelso: You owe me money.
Jackie: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Kelso: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The shag carpeting, uh... eight track strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie: I hate you.
Kelso: Well, I hate you more.
Jackie: I hate you most.
Kelso: Well, I hate you the... Damn it!
Quote from Hyde
Hyde: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is: a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Hyde: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Kelso: I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Hyde: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Quote from Kelso
Hyde: All right. All right. Jackie in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Kelso: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
Fez: Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso... Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Kelso: Well... Uh... W. One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. [Jackie slaps Kelso] And... And... Hyde, help me out here.
Hyde: Okay. Let me think. Oh, don't forget he burned your house.
Hyde: Dude, you burned her house.