Tim Whatley: Father Curtis told me about your little joke.
Jerry: What about all your Jewish jokes?
Tim Whatley: I'm Jewish. You're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.
Jerry: The Jews?
Tim Whatley: No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?
Jerry: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

Bryant Gumbel: Look, I'm sorry, it is just a very unusual shirt. It could be, kind of, a whole new look for you. You could put a patch over an eye. You could be the pirate comedian.
Jerry: Yeah.
Bryant Gumbel: Will you wear the puffy shirt at the..?
Jerry: Look, it's not my shirt.
Bryant Gumbel: Whose shirt is it?
Jerry: What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it. I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.
Leslie: [o.s., loudly] You bastard!
Bryant Gumbel: Did you hear that?
Jerry: That I heard.

Jerry: Oh, God. You're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I knew you looked familiar.
George: Oh, no! No!
Sharon: I better get going.
Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here. We did that for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose. We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Male Voice: [on the phone] Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Male Voice: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Male Voice: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Personal distance is a very important thing. There's a new personal distance, ATM distance. When someone's using an ATM, you wanna be about six feet back, don't you? Because people get a little edgy around that ATM, don't they? They got their money out, their eyes are darting all around. The other place I wanna be about six feet away is a urinal. You want some distance there, too. ATMs and urinals. I guess whenever someone's taking valuables out of their pants, you want to give them as much room as possible.

Elaine: Oh, don't you know what this means? It's like working with Tolstoy.
Jerry: Hey, you know what, I read the most unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know the original title for "War and Peace" was "War - What Is It Good For?"!
Elaine: Ha ha.
Jerry: No, no. I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true. His mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to "War and Peace"!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song.
Jerry: That's where they got it from.

Jerry: By the time the race was over, I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: And I had won by so much, a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was amiss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.
Elaine: Well, what happened when you raced him again?
Jerry: I never did. In four years of high school, I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents, pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone, "I chose not to run."

Bryant Gumbel: Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries, a used clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, good morning.
Jerry: Thank you, Bryant.
Bryant Gumbel: And speaking of clothing , that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.
Jerry: Oh, thank you.
Bryant Gumbel: You're all kinda.. All kinda "puffed up". [chuckles]
Jerry: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I find the human fascination with water is amazing. We're constantly going to beaches, pools, lakes, rivers. We're swimming, we're snorkeling, we're scuba-diving. We bathe in it. Our bodies are mostly made of water. Everyone's carrying around these bottles of water. It's like we can't get enough water. Unless it rains, then we're like, "Oh, look. I'm soaked. I am literally drenched." For some reason, we have a huge problem with small, flying water. It'll just stop us right in our tracks. "I felt a drop. We're gonna get caught in it! Everyone cover your water bottles. Run!"

Jerry: It was unbelievable. You're right. The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman.
Elaine: See, what did I tell you?
Jerry: And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny." "That's funny."
Elaine: Ooh, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racket.
Jerry: I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like... Well, it's like something!