Frank Costanza: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
Kramer: Well, just tell me everything, huh?
Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!
Kramer: What happened to the doll?
Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!
Kramer: That must have been some kind of doll.
Frank Costanza: She was.

Frank Costanza: I'm sitting at home reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? [slaps George in the head]
George: Ow! Dad...
Frank Costanza: Who put you up to this? Was it her?
Elaine: All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.
Frank Costanza: My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank Costanza: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank Costanza: You saying you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
Frank Costanza: You want a piece of me? You got it!

George: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.
Frank Costanza: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!
George: What is that?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, "Serenity now!"
George: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
George: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?
Estelle Costanza: I told you to fix that thing.
Frank Costanza: Serenity now!

Frank Costanza: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
Kramer: Is there a tree?
Frank Costanza: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Frank Costanza: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space.

Frank Costanza: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks.
George: Oh, God.
Frank Costanza: [to George] Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe- I lost my train of thought.

Frank Costanza: Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
George: Why don't we talk about it another time?
Frank Costanza: But you see my point here. You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank Costanza: That's perverse.

Elaine: You know, the photo I took in Tuscany of the little man in front of the sign that said "Costanza"?
Frank Costanza: There's a Costanza in Tuscany? Did he look like me? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: I didn't talk to anyone. I was just walking by, and I saw the sign, and I thought George might get a kick out of it.
Frank Costanza: I gotta get that picture. It could be my cousin, Carlo.
Elaine: Who is that?
George: When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.
Frank Costanza: I played with his son every day until the age of four. And then we separated.
Elaine: So, you weren't born here?
Frank Costanza: No. That's why I can never be president. It always irked me. That's why, even at an early age, I had no interest in politics. I refuse to vote. [shouts] They don't want me, I don't want them!

Kramer: You know, these latkes are going like hotcakes.
Frank Costanza: Where's the powdered sugar?
Kramer: You know, Frank, you could take a break.
Frank Costanza: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona.

Kramer: I told you! Now, Frank, listen. Here's what I'm thinking. Now, you have a friend in the bra business, right?
Frank Costanza: Of course. Sid Farkus. He's the best in the business.
Kramer: Here's our chance. What d'you say? It'll be me, you and the Bro, bro.
Frank Costanza: Let's do it! Except, we gotta do something about the name.
Kramer: Why, what's wrong with Bro?
Frank Costanza: No, bro's no good. Too ethnic.
Kramer: All right, you got something better?
Frank Costanza: How 'bout uh... the Mansiere?
Kramer: Mansiere?
Frank Costanza: That's right. A brassiere for a man. The mansiere, get it?

Estelle Costanza: We're moving to Florida.
George: What? You're moving to Florida? That's wonderful! I'm so happy! ... For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?
Frank Costanza: Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds.
George: What do you mean?
Frank Costanza: They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista!
George: So you're moving there for spite!
Frank Costanza: Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!
George: That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!