Roland: My guys will be here between 4 and 5.
Johnny: Well, that's not good, we can't have the guests watching a dead body being dragged out of here.
Roland: So probably best to keep your guests in their rooms.
Stevie: And, how're we gonna do that?
Roland: Do the rooms lock from the outside?
Johnny: We're not locking the guests in their rooms, Roland.
Roland: Well, I'm sure they'll be fine, Johnny. I saw a lot of dead bodies when I was a kid, [in German accent] und I would say that I turned out pretty okay.

Roland: It is a man. Your sexist instincts were right as usual.

Johnny: You know, Roland, I do not miss being single.
Roland: Whoa, here's to that. [bottles clink] Cheers, my friend.
Johnny: Not that I didn't have fun in my day. They actually used to call me "the closer."
Roland: Yeah. [chuckles] Well, that was probably because women used to close out their tabs and go home when you came into the bar.
Johnny: All right, speaking of closing out tabs, I think we should get out of here.
Roland: Which is what the women used to say to each other when they saw you walking through the door.
Johnny: I'm not setting you up anymore, Roland.
Roland: Which is that what your matchmaker said! [laughing]
Johnny: Oh, boy.

Johnny: Okay, alright, hold it up and hold it taut please.
Roland: I'm sorry, taut? [laughs] What is that, old English? How 'bout I hold it tight?

Roland: You know, Moira, this bad press could not have come at a worse time. We were just about to launch a huge tourism campaign, and now thanks to you, this could be the biggest scandal since we installed the church wheelchair ramp backwards.

Johnny: We're knee-deep in this now. We're just have to figure out where we're gonna find the money.
Roland: Okay. That's good, because Bruce told me my kidney was garbage.

Roland: And I know that a wise man once wrote: "Thank you to my wife, Moira."
Johnny: That's just the dedication, Roland.
Roland: That's as far as I got, Johnny. I'm sorry, I'm partial to historical fiction.

Bryce Wilson: [laughs] First a video store, now a motel chain. What? He wants to reinvent the pager next? [all laugh, room quiets down]
Roland: I uh... forgot my briefcase.
Tripp Campbell: Don't wanna forget that. [chuckles]
Roland: [briefcase thuds] Do you people know what it took for Johnny Rose to come back and do this? After being away for all that time? Shame on you. Shame on all of you. Okay. I just realized you guys are flying us home. So I apologize for my outburst, but I don't regret it. The man's a legend.

Roland: [answering phone] Roland Schitt. Yes. [signals positively to Johnny & Moira] Yes! Yes! Oh-oh. Okay. Uh-huh, yeah. I'm good, how about you? Terrific. Great, where? Uh-huh. Uhhhh-huh! I got it, great, we'll see you there this afternoon. Bye. [hangs up] Well, good news, folks! They found the truck.
Moira: And David?
Roland: Well, that didn't come up.
Johnny: Well, didn't you ask?
Roland: Johnny, they were all excited about telling me they found the truck, so...

Roland: Hello, guys, uh whoa! Look at us! Who are we? Brad Pitt and his handsome brother? And Johnny?
Johnny: Why the jacket, Roland? You know you're not going to the awards.
Roland: Johnny, you asked me to manage the motel while you were away. I'm not gonna show up just dressed like some schlub off the street!
Stevie: Like you do every day?
Roland: Wow, okay. This one puts on a dress and suddenly she's Rita Rudner. Guys, I am really gonna miss this workplace banter.