Aired March 2, 2020
Alexis's family are concerned when she starts a relationship with an older man following her break-up with Ted. Meanwhile, Jocelyn helps out at Rose Apothecary, and Moira offends the townspeople.
Quote from Moira
[Schitt's Creek tourism video, on the street in front of Bob's Garage:]
Moira: Oh, hello, you. I'm film and television's Moira Rose. Won't you join me for a little stroll through the slice of paradise I like to call... the town where I currently am.
[in the cafe:]
Moira: Did someone say fine dining? The Café Tropical has certainly been described as "fine." Oh, hello, Twyla. I'll have the Miso Black Cod, please.
Twyla: We don't have that.
Moira: You mean, you're sold out, is more like it!
[in Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: And when it's time to escape the hustle and bustle of the downtown core, you'll find all the peace and solitude your body craves here at our local apothecary. No noisy customers or busy cash registers here, to intrude upon your inner cogitations.
Patrick: It's-it's not usually this quiet.
Moira: Oh, it's always nice and quiet here.
David: Can you stop saying that?
[outside the Rosebud Motel:]
Moira: And finally, when it's time to lay down your weary head, you'll find comfort and safety at the partially renovated Rosebud Motel. And don't forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr. Johnathon Rose.
Johnny: Thank you for having us.
Moira: John, no.
[outside Rose Apothecary:]
Moira: So why wait? Book your vacation now to this humble little oasis. If heaven had a creek, it would be this one.
[title: the end]
Quote from Moira
Moira: Stevie! Either a flock of poultry has delivered its ova mid-flight upon our car, or I've become the victim of a vandalization!
Stevie: Oh wow. Um... you sure it's for you, Mrs. Rose? Because that's a family car, and I can think of a handful of people who'd wanna egg David.
Moira: You're sweet, dear, but I know of what I speak. Stevie, you are blessed with anonymity, and thus will never have to know the crippling fear that accompanies global repute.
Stevie: Yeah, I can't imagine.
Moira: After my first centerfold with Soap Opera Digest, a deranged fan deposited locks of hair into my glove compartment. And now my return to prominence has painted another giant bulls-eye on my thorax!
Stevie: Um, I could give you this bucket of soap.
Moira: No! You never tamper with a crime scene. I'll have to go to council. Get in please, Stevie. As of now, you are my star witness. And sit low, no point endangering both our lives.
Quote from Twyla
Johnny: Could I get a coffee, Twyla, please?
Twyla: So I see Alexis is getting back out there.
Johnny: Has she told you anything about this guy?
Twyla: No, but I think he dated my aunt. I don't know, I was a baby at the time, but there's a photo of him holding me at Christmas. And I remember that, because that was the year Santa brought me a lighter.
Quote from Roland
Roland: You know, Moira, this bad press could not have come at a worse time. We were just about to launch a huge tourism campaign, and now thanks to you, this could be the biggest scandal since we installed the church wheelchair ramp backwards.
Quote from Moira
Moira: You know what's often more potent than an apology, is an explanation. You know, I may have said this town is the last place I wish to find myself, but the magazine neglected to include my entire quote. I specifically commended your ever-beating heart, and your elephantine generosity. "A slice of heaven," is what I recall myself saying! Please know that I believe, deep down, there are worse places to be. Like in your shoes right now. Would a quick meet and greet help? I do have a few headshots in the boot of my car.
Quote from David
Patrick: I don't wanna rub salt in the wound here, David, but Jocelyn is kinda crushing it.
David: Okay, I have also had a very active day on the sales floor.
Patrick: David, she has sold more in one day than we have all week. And you've spent the better part of the afternoon standing in the corner giving her cut-eye.
David: I'm mentoring her, and monitoring her progress. And frankly, it's not moving as fast as I'd like.
Patrick: Why can't you just admit that she is an asset?
David: It's probably beginner's luck, like when you walk into a casino and win big on your first pull of the "Basic Instinct" slot machine.
Patrick: Okay, I'm beginning to think that that is the high point of your entire life.
Quote from Alexis
Alexis: He just said out of nowhere that he needs to end things.
Johnny: Oh, well, that that does seem abrupt. Wow, well maybe... Maybe that's just further confirmation that you know, he... He wasn't... He wasn't the right person for you?
Alexis: I know he's not the right person for me. His taste in make-out music, for example, like, so weird. Like, who even is Cat Stevens?!
Johnny: Well, Cat wrote some wonderful songs, honey.
Quote from Johnny
Alexis: You talked to him!
Johnny: Well, I-I just for... I did talk to him. Brief conversation, but just in passing.
Alexis: Why would you do that? I told you that I was in control of the situation.
Johnny: Well, honey, I don't know whether you were. I was just trying to... help. Alexis, in the past, I... I couldn't always be there for you when you were... when you were dealing with... heartbreak. I wasn't there to protect you. And I guess I was just being... a bit overzealous, and... trying to make up for lost time.
Alexis: Well, if you really wanna know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?"
Johnny: Well, I don't really want to know.
Quote from Moira
David: Okay, I'm just saying, she broke up with Ted less than a week ago, and I am finding this whole rebound thing to be alarmingly manic, and regressive.
Johnny: Well, it does sound a little quick. I mean, has anybody even met this guy?
Moira: David, when did you become the Grim Reaper of romance?
Quote from Jocelyn
Jocelyn: Hi, boys. It looked like you were calling me over.
David: [laughs] Did it?
Jocelyn: Anywho, um... I don't know if Patrick mentioned that we had talked earlier, and he had said that there might be a use for an extra set of hands at the store.
David: Huh! Well, I think we're still assessing that at this point.
Jocelyn: Well, you let me know when you're done assessing. I'll be the mother with the baby at home looking for some extra cash, after I invested in your father's business. I'll be over here.
David: Okay, that's a lot to unload over brunch.
Jocelyn: Yes! I spent my brunch looking at the classifieds. There is an opening for a waitress at Bazongas Gentlemen's Club. I guess I could try that.
Patrick: I'm sure we can figure something out, Jocelyn. Right, David?!
David: I don't know what's wrong with Bazongas.