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‘Finding David’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: Finding David

201. Finding David

Aired January 12, 2016

As the family search for David, Moira is seemingly more concerned by her missing bag. Meanwhile, Alexis further complicates the Ted/Mutt situation.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!

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Quote from Roland

Johnny: It's been three days without any contact.
Roland: Johnny, you wouldn't know this, but statistics tell us you have a 48 hour window before you can assume somebody is dead.
Johnny: Yeah, I just said it's been three days.
Roland: Then do we call off the search?
Johnny: Oh, my God!

Quote from Alexis

David: Okay, nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: I'm sure David is with the truck, right, Roland?
Roland: Well, I think they would've told me if there's a dead body with the truck, honey.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Do you know how many times I've had to apologize to Roland? You can't just leave with other people's trucks, David! What were you thinking?
Moira: What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Okay, can we all focus here? For a moment?! David has spent the last three days on a farm. With the Amish!

Quote from Moira

Moira: I was worried sick, dear! "Where's David, or his bags?"

Quote from Roland

Roland: Well, this will only take a second. David, I'm so glad to see you back home, all safe and sound.
David: Thanks.
Roland: Hmm. And I don't want you to worry, I'm not gonna press charges, okay? Next time, someone will think twice before they steal my truck, yes?
Alexis: Ooh, burn, David!
David: Shhh!
Johnny: David, don't you, um, have anything you wanna say to Roland?
David: Uh, I'm sorry for taking your truck without permission. [resumes eating] Um, it was a bad mistake, and it won't happen again. [resumes eating] Oh, my God. Um, and I feel really bad about it.
Alexis: But do you, David?
Roland: All right, all right, all right, I accept your apology.
David: Thank you.
Roland: Okay, now let's talk about gas. I'm thinking thirty cents on the mile.

Quote from Roland

Roland: [answering phone] Roland Schitt. Yes. [signals positively to Johnny & Moira] Yes! Yes! Oh-oh. Okay. Uh-huh, yeah. I'm good, how about you? Terrific. Great, where? Uh-huh. Uhhhh-huh! I got it, great, we'll see you there this afternoon. Bye. [hangs up] Well, good news, folks! They found the truck.
Moira: And David?
Roland: Well, that didn't come up.
Johnny: Well, didn't you ask?
Roland: Johnny, they were all excited about telling me they found the truck, so...

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.
Moira: I didn't want you taking it.
Alexis: Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: My best friend in kindergarten ran away, and her parents didn't notice, and she ended up getting adopted by this really rich Asian family in Vancouver, but then they had their own kid, so she kind of got neglected a bit, and I can't remember whether she's back on the streets now, or...

Quote from David

David: Okay, you're saying this was circulated around town? This was before my nose job, how was anyone supposed to recognize me?
Moira: Oh, David, it's a rare gift to strip vanity of its charm, yet here you are.

Quote from Moira

Moira: No, no, no! No, no, no! No! Noooo!
Johnny: What?
Moira: My bag! It's gone!
Johnny: What bag?
Moira: My brown bag!
Johnny: What brown bag? You had a room full of brown bags back home, which brown bag?!
Moira: My crocodile bag, the one my mother gave me!
Johnny: Oh, it's in the closet, next to my briefcase.
Moira: That's an ostrich bag. [pants, shrieks]

Quote from Moira

Moira: David. David must've taken it, along with my last molecule of hope!
Johnny: Oh, Moira, David only took his own bags.
Moira: Are you kidding?! I bet he's pawned it by now, to pay for manicures.

Quote from Moira

Stevie: Mrs. Rose, you got out of bed. Sorry, am I interrupting something?
Johnny: No, no, we're just, we're looking for something valuable, and um-
Stevie: Your son?
Johnny: Well, no, a brown bag, as a matter of fact. Well our son, yes.
Stevie: Has anyone heard from David?
Moira: Oh, to be so naive! He's long gone, darling, escaped, and left us all behind.

Quote from Moira

Moira: What'd they say?
Johnny: Nothing, and I'm getting nervous, Moira.
Moira: Don't worry, he's fine. It's not the first time David's run away. Remember all those troubled years in high school, when he'd charter the jet without permission?
Johnny: Yes, but he has no money.
Moira: Oh, he does now. If there's one thing David knows, it's the street value of a woman's bag.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, you know what, can we stop talking about that bag for five minutes. The bag, the bag, and the bag.
Moira: John, it's an heirloom, my great grandmother took it from her husband when she left him, and it has been passed down through all the women in my family, as emergency currency, in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night.
Johnny: Oh, well, that's reassuring.
Moira: You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it. But you know Alexis will!
Johnny: Yeah, more than once, probably.
Moira: I love that bag. And I've kept it safe all these years. And now John, it's out there, frightened, and alone...

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You hands are so soft for someone who does nothing but manual labor.
Mutt: Thanks, I make sure to moisturize.
Alexis: Mm, that's so important.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, hello, Roses. What, are you here to tell me Alexis has skipped town with my lawn mower?!
Jocelyn: Roland, these people have literally hit rock bottom, they're not in the mood for your jokes right now.
Roland: She is.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Look, I've been on the phone all morning with missing persons, and just wondering if you've heard anything?
Jocelyn: No. Come in, come on in. I can't imagine the stress of losing a child.
Moira: Oh, I haven't lost him, I know exactly where he is. He's enjoying happy hour at the Viceroy without me.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Stevie, dear, now don't take this the wrong way, but, is this car your home?
Stevie: Excuse me?
Moira: I take it you're finished with this sandwich.
Stevie: Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Oh, yeah. Um, but there's donuts under the seat, those are still good.

Quote from Moira

Moira: This is exactly what David wants. All of us worried, and driving around in some tin can looking for him. It's a tactic. It's subterfuge.
Johnny: Oh, you could be jumping to conclusions, Moira.
Moira: I taught him everything he knows. He shouldn't have left me behind, that was never part of the plan.

Quote from David

Alexis: David!
Johnny: David!
Moira: David, I'm here!
Johnny: David, it's us!
David: I know!
Moira: David, come here, please!
David: Stop yelling, "David!" You come here!
Johnny: We've come to take you home!
David: Three days later!
Moira: Nobody knew where you were! And your phone was off!
David: I texted Alexis!
Alexis: Wha? I'm sorry for not responding to like, one text, David!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: David?
David: What?!
Alexis: Okay, you remember Mutt?
David: Yeah!
Alexis: Okay, it's gotten more complicated!
David: What happened?
Alexis: We slept together!
Johnny: Okay, Alexis, we can talk about this on the ride home.

Quote from David

Moira: David, let us help you with your bags!
David: What if I'm not ready to come home?!
Amish Girl: There's a bug on your dress.
David: Ew, fuck!

Quote from David

David: Miriam makes the most delicious butter. Yeah, I mean, she starts pounding that cream about a half hour too early in the morning, but it tastes exactly like the butter we had at the Ritz in Paris, you know, that sort of salt-less butter.

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, once again, thank you for nurturing our David during such a difficult time.
Rachel: Well, we should be thanking you for coming. We've spent two sleepless nights, wondering what would happen if nobody came. Would we be stuck with him?!

Quote from David

Aaron: David's stay here has taught us some valuable lessons in patience, forgiveness-
Rachel: Restraint.

Quote from David

David: You know, I'm not sure I'm even ready to come home yet.
Aaron: And yet your time with us has come to an end.
David: Okay.
Aaron: These three days you spent with us David, will remain in our memories for many days, and many, many, many nights.
David: Thank you for your kindness, when no one else showed me kindness. And compassion, when no one else showed-
Johnny: Excuse me, son. Uh, I imagine it's customary for strangers to partake in a good, old fashioned Amish lunch?
Aaron: Not always. Have a safe trip.

Quote from David

Johnny: All right listen, the important thing is, we have David back, we have your bag back, and here we are, all together.
David: What bag?
Moira: You stole my bag, David.
David: That bag? That bag looks like it hasn't been used in a hundred years, so I put my toiletries in it. Why would you think that i would steal that bag?
Moira: I don't know David, why did you steal my eyeliner?
David: That was a phase in high school! Now, did you come for me, or did you come for that bag?
Moira: This was my grandmother's bag!

Quote from Alexis

David: I slept in the cab of a truck! Overnight!
Alexis: Oh, my God, who hasn't, David?


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