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‘The Wingman’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: The Wingman

606. The Wingman

Aired February 11, 2020

Johnny, Roland and Ronnie try to help Bob get back on the dating scene following his split with Gwen. Alexis questions her future as her career as a publicist starts to take off. Meanwhile, David and Patrick consider an invitation to drop by Jake's apartment for "a whiskey or whatever".

Quote from Ted

Ted: [on Skype] Hey, babe!
Alexis: Hey, babe!
Ted: Oh my God! Where are you? Is that the ocean? I wish. It's a poster of the ocean. 'Cause I'm actually in Stewart's dorm room right now because mine got evacuated last night - small fire ants issue.
Alexis: Yikes! Hope everything's okay.
Ted: It was a real "Fyre Fest." [chuckles]

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Quote from Moira

Barb: We are so very lucky to be joined this morning by Moira Rose. Well, ach!
Lizzie: Ach!
Barb: What a ride this has been!
Lizzie: Yes.
Moira: What a ride indeed, Barb! Oh, let me first assure your viewers that not a single crow was harmed, and as for the humans, oh, nothing but a little wounded pride... and one severed earlobe.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Um... what's all this?
Moira: They just keep coming.
Alexis: Well, congratulations. That must mean everyone's happy.
Moira: Oh, very happy, yes. Thanks to your little attack of the corvidae, we are Interflix's number one stream of the day. Tied only with the fourth season of Caroline in the City.
Alexis: From Interflix. "To Alexis, congratulations and thank you. The competition is eating crow." [chuckles] "Love, your new best friends at Interflix."
Moira: They're all for you. Well, not those those are from Joyce DeWitt.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: You know, Roland, I do not miss being single.
Roland: Whoa, here's to that. [bottles clink] Cheers, my friend.
Johnny: Not that I didn't have fun in my day. They actually used to call me "the closer."
Roland: Yeah. [chuckles] Well, that was probably because women used to close out their tabs and go home when you came into the bar.
Johnny: All right, speaking of closing out tabs, I think we should get out of here.
Roland: Which is what the women used to say to each other when they saw you walking through the door.
Johnny: I'm not setting you up anymore, Roland.
Roland: Which is that what your matchmaker said! [laughing]
Johnny: Oh, boy.

Quote from Bob

Johnny: Okay, all right, are you in or not?
Ronnie: Ooh, I'm in. 'Cause I don't wanna miss a chance to see how this plays out.
Johnny: Bob?
Bob: Well, it... it would be so nice to not be completely alone for a night. Uh, lucky Gwen, she has another one of her male cousins visiting. [chuckles then sobs]

Quote from Roland

Roland: Move over. I... [clears throat] will be the woman.
Johnny: Okay. So we're in a bar and, uh, you see this very intriguing looking gentleman.
Roland: Okay. [clears throat] [high voice] Hello, I'm... I'm Gwen.
Bob: Oh...
Ronnie: You had to pick Gwen?
Roland: I'm sorry, I saw Bob standing there and that was the first name I thought of. They're always together.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Yes, everything you saw was part of a carefully orchestrated, entirely deliberate stunt.
Barb: Oh, well, it seems to have worked, Moira. With over more than 2 million views in less than 24 hours, this video has created an incredible buzz for the movie, which, as of right now, is officially trending on Interflix.
Moira: It is?! [laughs excitedly] Well, if you're saying it's a smash hit, then I'm just going to have to take your word for it. As well as the word of millions of streamers across the internet, I suppose. You know, the brilliant thing about being on streaming is that one can start the movie at any point, any time they like.

Quote from Moira

Lizzie: You know, Moira, I think it's safe to say you are officially back in the game!
Barb: Yes!
Moira: Well, you heard it here first! Do not adjust your sets! Excuse me, but I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge my daughter, Alexis Rose. This whole PR coup d'état never would've happened without her.
Alexis: [muted] Honestly, we just had fun with it.
Moira: Can't hear you. [chuckles] Poor dear's not mic'd.
Lizzie: Well, looks like there's no stopping you two now! Congratulations!
Both: Thank you!

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Or, what if... we take Bob out for the evening and kind of act as his wing-men.
Roland: Johnny, you know, the whole dating scene has kind of changed a little since you were single. [clears throat] First off, we now have electricity. [laughs]

Quote from Alexis

Ted: [on Skype] Let's talk about you! Everyone here has been watching your video! And to think it was all fake?
Alexis: Totally fake. Isn't that wild? And all of these PR agencies from New York are calling to ask me how I did it.
Ted: How did you do it?
Alexis: Um, it's like a little bit too complicated to explain over this.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Hi, Theodore! Gorgeous view!
Ted: [on Skype] Hi, Mrs. Rose! Congrats on the movie! That last scene where you leap from your nest only to discover that your wings aren't developed enough yet...
Moira: Oh, you're too kind. The Daily Mail called it a "flap for the ages!"

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: [phone rings] Oh! It's Buzzfeed calling about the 10 goriest Clara Mandrake accidents from the film.
Moira: Best we take it.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis! They're asking about co-stars. I can't be expected to remember everyone I meet!

Quote from Roland

Bob: I don't think we're the same size, Johnny. I might have a trouble fitting tissues into these pockets.
Johnny: Oh, you won't need tissues. There'll be no crying tonight, Bob. You look like a million bucks.
Roland: Well, actually, Bob, in Johnny's suit there, you look like a guy who had a million bucks, but then lost it. [laughs]
Johnny: Very funny, Roland.

Quote from Ronnie

Johnny: I don't know if I can speak on behalf of women here...
Ronnie: You can't.
Johnny: Moira used to say, when she was single, she would always be attracted to men who could make her laugh.
Ronnie: How'd she end up with you?

Quote from David

Patrick: You know what? Jake did a great job with this.
David: Mm-hmm. I was just about to say this coffee table really brings out your lips.
Patrick: Okay, what? I can't compliment the guy? He's talented. You know, he's like a, a one-man operation.
David: Not in my experience.

Quote from David

Patrick: And I think it was very nice of him to invite us for drinks tonight.
David: Wasn't it?
Patrick: Yes, it was. It was very nice and I think that we should get back to him about it.
David: About going to his place for "a whiskey or whatever"?
Patrick: David, I'm fine to have drinks with one of your exes, okay?
David: Okay, first of all, Jake is nobody's ex and everybody's ex. And second of all, going to Jake's for a drink is never just going to Jake's for a drink.

Quote from David

Patrick: Oh... oh. So you... okay, so you think he invited us over to... to... ?
David: Yes, I do. Yeah. Yeah.
Patrick: Well, in that case, we definitely shouldn't go. 'Cause we're not really the kind of couple that...
David: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: Yeah...
David: That being said, if we ever did decide to... have "a whiskey" with someone, Jake would be the person to do that with because he literally doesn't care about anything. So just... I'm just throwing it out there.
Patrick: I mean, we always have the option of going and just having a whiskey.
David: Okay. And I always have the option of online shopping and just putting things in the cart. That's not gonna happen.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I didn't want to overwhelm you, dear, I know you're being pulled in another direction. Though, you might find a bit more delectation in this.
Alexis: No, I do. I... I just like haven't received flowers from someone I wasn't... friends with. [exhales sharply] What do I do?
Moira: What do you want to do?
Alexis: I can't leave now.
Moira: If you're worried about the flowers, they'll likely be dead in a week.
Alexis: Yeah, like my career if I walk away with everything that's going on. I've already made Ted wait an extra month. I can't... back out now.
Moira: So you... you weigh your options. On the one hand, you are perched on the precipice of a dream come true and you can jump knowing, possibly for the first time, that you can succeed at anything to which you put your mind.
Alexis: And on the other hand?
Moira: What other hand?
Alexis: Ted!
Moira: [gasps] Dear Ted. Yes, this is a quandary.

Quote from David

David: Oh, didn't know we were bringing our friends tonight.
Patrick: 'Kay, I knew I shouldn't have worn this shirt.
David: No, it's nice, it's nice. Is it new? And does it come in an adult size?
Patrick: It's not new. I just haven't worn it yet.
David: So it is new then.

Quote from Ted

Ted: [on Skype] Hey, sorry I'm late. Myrtle was laying her eggs and the whole team was really excited.
Alexis: Mmm! Yeah, I bet. Fresh omelets.
Ted: Well, Myrtle's a green sea turtle, and they only spawn every two years, so eating her eggs would actually disrupt an entire ecosystem. Plus, there's like a ton of cholesterol.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, but the more I've been thinking about it, the more I feel... like...
Ted: [on Skype] I think you should stay where you are.
Alexis: ...maybe I should stay here.
Ted: Sorry, did, did you say something?
Alexis: No. Um... What did you say?
Ted: I can't have you come here, Alexis. You'll hate it. And I'm not just saying that because the screens that I installed are actually attracting more bugs somehow. But you'd be leaving everything that you're doing to come here, and... I can't guarantee that there won't have another trip that takes me away for days at a time. D-don't get me wrong, I want you here so bad, but I know you. And no matter how many juicers I buy, this place just won't feel like home. Sorry. I can't tell if the screen's frozen, or if you're just really shocked. But if you still want to come, I'm not gonna tell you not to.
Alexis: No, no, no, no. Um... you've made some very valid points.
Ted: Yeah. I didn't even tell you about the shared bathroom situation.
Alexis: Okay, well... maybe you could've led with that. Would've saved us some time.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: Hey, I'm heading out.
Johnny: Calling it a night?
Ronnie: Well, actually, my night is just beginning.
Roland: Whoa... Welcome to the players' club.
Ronnie: No, I'm not high-fiving that.


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