David: Roland. You brought a baby into the store.
Roland: Shhh. Yeah. And I don't know why I haven't brought him in sooner, this place is perfect.
David: Thank you so much.
Roland: Yeah, they say that babies fall asleep quickest when they're surrounded by an eerie, almost crypt-like silence.
David: What can I do to shorten your stay in my store, Roland?
Roland: Oh, uh, Joce wanted me to pick up uh, some of this. This organic applesauce. Organic. Listen to me! Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?

Roland: Jocelyn and I spoke, and she told me you're still pretty upset, huh?
Johnny: Look, if anyone was upset it was Jocelyn. I was just upset because Jocelyn was upset.
Roland: All right, pal. Well, I'm here to put your mind at ease, okay? I am 99.999% sure that nothing happened between me and your wife.
Johnny: I'm 100% sure and I wasn't even there!
Roland: Well, I sure was. [laughing] All of me. You know, I spent 35 minutes this morning inspecting every inch of my body for bite marks, back scratches, lipstick prints. And I couldn't find anything. Well, there was this one thing on the bottom of my foot, but I think that may have been there before. I really don't know.

Johnny: Look, there must be something we can do here. I ran a major business for 30 years.
Roland: Yeah, and look at the way this guy bounced back from total financial ruin.
Johnny: You know, there was a day when banks would provide loans based solely on their faith in a very solid business idea.
Loan Officer: That's gonna be a tough sell to my boss. We don't offer faith-based loans.
Roland: Okay, uh, I did not wanna play this card, but... I will. I am the mayor.
Loan Officer: You already mentioned that.
Roland: 'Kay, did I mention I went steady with your mom?
Loan Officer: Unfortunately, you did.
Roland: Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

Roland: Okay, Johnny. As soon as we get this place up and running the first order of business is to restock the vending machine. Do you know that all they had was this Drink Tyme Orange Sodas and one bag of Poly Puffs.
Johnny: All right, we're gonna have to get some brand names in there.
Roland: No, I'm saying get more of this. Do you realize that this soda is made with 99% real drink. You can't argue with that kind of math.

Roland: I remember when Jocelyn's dad gave me the talk. I mean, he was trying to talk me out of getting married, but she was 9 months pregnant at the time, so he really didn't have a leg to stand on. But I'll tell you, I could not get out of that sauna fast enough. No way!

Roland: Are they durable?
Wendy: Oh well, durability's a given here at the "Blouse Barn." And if you're asking my opinion-
David: Are we, though?
Wendy: It's between these two.
Roland: Well, this is a real "Sophie's Choice!"
David: I hope that you and Jocelyn don't role play that at home.
Roland: Hell, we've played every Streep movie.

Roland: Seriously, Johnny, good luck selling the town. You sure gonna need it.
Johnny: Why's that?
Roland: Well, it took a while to sell the first time. I mean, uh, it was on the market for, like, what, 20 years before you bought it.
Johnny: 20 years?
Roland: Yeah. I mean, most people just thought it was a waste of money that it would never sell, you know? Who in their right mind would buy it! [laughs] Then along came you.

Roland: Have you ever seen "The Devil Wears Prada?"
David: Obviously!
Roland: Okay, well, Meryl Streep plays this kind of powerful, sexy fashion woman-
David: Yep, I've seen it!
Roland: Okay, anyway, Jocelyn and I like to have a little fun with that idea, if you know what I mean. She plays Meryl, and I play the nervous but ambitious intern who's new to the city.
David: Oh, so you're the- So you- You're the Anne Hathaway in that situation?
Roland: I don't know who that is.
David: Well, that's more than enough information for me to go on.

Johnny: Well, I love it. Let's get this inside. David.
David: Huh? What?
Roland: 20 bucks, I'll give you a hand taking it in.
Johnny: Oh, yeah. David.
David: What?!
Roland: 30 bucks and I'll help you in with it.
Johnny: Mm, right. David!
David: I don't know what! What? What? What? What do you want?
Roland: 40 bucks and I'll help you in with it. I can keep going up. Can play this game all day, pal.

Johnny: Roland, I've been waiting here all night for Damien Steele. It's David's birthday, Alexis is graduating.
Roland: See, Johnny, the mayor of this town can't use his real name to check into a love motel.
Johnny: Yeah, it's not a love motel, Roland.
Roland: Oh, it will be tonight, my friend. See, Jocelyn and I have a yearly tradition. Every grad night we like to pretend to be other people, if you know what I mean.
Johnny: Yeah, you just told me what you mean.
Roland: Oh, we've been doing this ever since our own grad night. If you catch my drift.
Johnny: Yeah, I caught your drift when you told me what you mean.
Roland: So when Jos shows up and she says her name is Lisa Meriweather, just roll with it, okay?
Johnny: Here is your key, Roland.
Roland: Okay. Damien.