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36Quotes from ‘The Pitch’

Schitt's Creek: The Pitch

612. The Pitch

Aired March 24, 2020

Johnny, Stevie and Roland travel to New York City to pitch their Rosebud Motel expansion plan to a private equity firm. Back at the motel, Moira, David and Alexis start to consider life beyond Schitt's Creek.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Well, what are we supposed to do? You just going like abandon us here?
Moira: Alexis, let's not count our poultry before it's incubated, and depending on what we acquire, we might not even have a guest room available.
Alexis: Okay. Well, either way, the Interflix offices are there and they told me that they wanted to talk to me about continuing our relationship.
Moira: Felicitations, Alexis.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, apparently when dad signs the deal, we are moving to New York.
David: What? Well, who's moving to New York?
Alexis: Mom and Dad. And me.
David: And nobody thought to include me in this plan?
Alexis: I literally just found out, and I'm telling you right now.
David: Okay. Well, this might be a stupid question, but what if the deal doesn't go through?
Alexis: Okay. You would have no way of knowing this, but usually when someone sends a jet for you, it means he's very interested. Trust me. And Tiger Woods.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [gasps] Oh gals! You shouldn't have. Jocelyn, are we now moonlighting as town crier?
Jocelyn: Oh, no, Moira...
Moira: Cheeky gawpus you. Yes, it's true. Our husbands, at my husband's direction, are currently in New York City, vending their business to the corporate cognoscenti.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Oh, my gosh. That's so exciting. I wonder if they'll go to the M&Ms store?

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Now, let me ask you, how many of you have stayed in a motel? Well, motels are small hotels without the golf courses in case you... [chuckles] Well, good-good-good. So you're familiar at least. Now, when I say "motel", what comes to mind? Uh, rundown? Unclean? Unsafe?
Tripp Campbell: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Johnny: Well, that's what I used to think. I always saw motels as a last resort, a dreaded pit stop. But I was wrong. Motels have the potential of offering a window into the unique charm of small town life. And that's exactly what the Rosebud Motel Group plans to do. Open that window and revitalize the classic roadside motel for a new generation. Turns out, a couple of coats of paint and dusting off some mid-century furniture can go a long way.
Stevie: That's right. We've seen a 400% increase in occupancy since we started marketing. And cleaning.
Johnny: And if this is what we can do with one motel, just imagine what we can do with 10,000. I'm not coming to you for charity here, I'm coming to you with an opportunity. There is value in these motels. And if you're wondering how I'm so sure... My family and I have been staying in a motel for the past three years. And I wouldn't trade our stay there for anything. That's how strongly I believe in this idea. As Stevie can attest, if my family can find peace and comfort staying at a motel, anyone can. And I can only wish that one day soon you and your families can experience the love and simple pleasures that come with staying even for one night... at a Rosebud Motel.
Johnny, Stevie & Roland: Where every stay feels like home.

Quote from Roland

Bryce Wilson: [laughs] First a video store, now a motel chain. What? He wants to reinvent the pager next? [all laugh, room quiets down]
Roland: I uh... forgot my briefcase.
Tripp Campbell: Don't wanna forget that. [chuckles]
Roland: [briefcase thuds] Do you people know what it took for Johnny Rose to come back and do this? After being away for all that time? Shame on you. Shame on all of you. Okay. I just realized you guys are flying us home. So I apologize for my outburst, but I don't regret it. The man's a legend.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: 8:15. Roland still isn't here yet. You know if we're a half hour late for this pitch meeting we'll be laughed out of the room.
Stevie: Mr. Rose, you're stressing me out. And I just chugged a bottle of CBD oil.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Johnny, woo! Look at me. I'm you. [laughs] I can't believe your suit fits me, we're completely different sizes. And I have a much more athletic build.
Jocelyn: [claps] He looks the same age as the day I met him.
Moira: Oh, I'm sure he's just as handsome as he's ever been.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Boys, this time tomorrow your store may be the official supplier of Rosebud Motels across the continent.
Patrick: I have nothing but confidence, Mr. Rose.
Jocelyn: Rollie, there's mints in your pocket, there was a lot of onions in the omelette.
Moira: Goodbye, my conquistadors! We are all relying on you... No! We're cheering you on!
Alexis: Just wave. Just wave.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Um... what are you doing?
Moira: Oh, just some light reorganization.
Alexis: Okay, because it looks like you're packing.
Moira: You see a few cherished items being neatly folded into a piece of luggage and you immediately leap to conclusions.
Alexis: So you're not packing then?
Moira: It's just a precaution. God forbid I find myself once again being forcefully evacuated and given no time to do a thorough sweep.
Alexis: Who will be forcefully evacuating you?
Moira: I will, if your father gets the green light.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: And where will you be forcefully evacuated?
Moira: Well, the offices are in New York, so one can only presume.
Alexis: You're moving to New York?
Moira: Hm.
Alexis: When were you gonna tell me? Or you're just gonna like up and leave in the middle of the night.
Moira: Alexis, neurosis is not becoming on a young woman.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. Also, and don't worry. I knew you'd get all panic-y and weird about this, so I'm looking for a two bedroom. You're welcome.
David: Okay. What if my husband and I don't wanna share an apartment with you?
Alexis: Oh, David, you try finding an affordable one-bedroom in a place that's not Atlantic City.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Oh my God, David, look at this one. It overlooks a park. I would have my own bathroom. And oh my God, your bedroom would have one of those little beds that comes down from the wall.
David: Okay, we're two people. We would get the master bedroom.
Alexis: But I have a lot of coats.

Quote from David

David: I have been looking forward to seeing Kerry Washington in that all-female revival of "12 Angry Men."
Alexis: Okay, David, I'm gonna have to like bring down to earth for a sec. There is no way you're getting tickets for that show. But I love your enthusiasm.

Quote from David

David: Okay. I have to go back to work. So why don't I just talk to Patrick, and then we should all regroup at some point because there is a lot of what ifs to go through. Like what if we don't agree on apartment decor, or candle fragrance, etc.
Alexis: Totally.
David: I don't wanna get too excited about this, but I will be putting our names down for that ticket lottery to see Kerry because Elle Fanning is supposed to be incredible as the foreman.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Shall I? Hence our impending move to the Big Red Delicious.
Ronnie: Excuse me?
Jocelyn: Moira, I haven't said anything yet.
Moira: [chuckles] Why the festivities then?
Jocelyn: Grace is moving to Elm Valley. That's why the cake says "Goodbye Grace".
Moira: Oh I-I... I thought you were singling out one of my notable attributes. Shh. Okay, we'll just smooth things over until Grace arrives.
Grace: I-I'm right here.
Moira: Yes, you are! Grace! Our timorous grinagog.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Moira, are you sure it isn't a bit premature to be talking about all of this?
Moira: No, don't you worry, Jocelyn. Oh, you're kidding. No, John has decades on these people.
Jocelyn: Okay. Well, that makes me feel a little bit better. I... I got a little concerned when I got this text from Roland, but obviously I'm just reading into it so.
Moira: You've received correspondence? What am I looking at? A cartoon head exploding?
Twyla: Oh. It looks like three cartoon heads exploding.
Moira: Well, then they're blowing people's minds. What's the concern?
Jocelyn: It's just that usually when Rollie sends that emoji it's like his head is exploding. It's like he's in trouble.
Ronnie: Yeah. I get a lot of those texts during council meetings.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, are we praying?
Moira: Don't be ridiculous. To whom it may concern: There's a man out there, my husband, he's out there trying to build back what we've lost. And... I'm sorry 5'10", slow talker...
David: Okay. I think they get it.
Moira: It's our turn to send him abetment.
David: It's just that this is feeling a bit desperate.
Alexis: Can we do this without holding hands?
Moira: No! He's worked so hard while the rest of us have just been flailing about.
Alexis: I don't think that's accurate.
David: Absolutely not the case.
Moira: I implore you... please forward the following; John. My macho man. You don't deserve another failure.
David: Okay. What is happening?
Moira: I don't know, David, just go with it. John, we're here for you. Oh, Alexis your hands as dry as an autumn leaf.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: Oh, your father's insistence on telling us in person could so go either way. This threat of failure is inhumane.
Jocelyn: No, I think it's exciting. It's like Deal or No Deal, but with the rest of our lives.

Quote from Moira

David: Patrick and I will need to get to the store at some point.
Moira: David, your father and Stevie can use all the help they could get.
Johnny: Help?
Moira: I said support, dear.

Quote from Alexis

Patrick: Listen, I think it's a very good sign, that they've sent a jet.
Alexis: There is a jet? Can I come?
David: I already asked.
Stevie: I'll swap out with someone.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Okay. Here we go. Here we go. Stevie, let's move.
Alexis: Okay, Stevie. Make sure they feed him lots of booze on the fight.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Uh, do you know if there is water where we're going? 'Cause I just got a sudden case of dry mouth.
Ruth: There's water waiting for you in the boardroom.
Roland: Right.

Quote from Stevie

Ruth: Hi. Ruth.
Stevie: [nervously] Stevie. I like your offices. Office.
Ruth: Thank you.

Quote from Johnny

Ruth: This is Mr. Rose and Associates. The floor is yours.
Johnny: Well, good afternoon, everyone. I'd like to say, long time no see, but Mike's not here and we've just met. [laughs]

Quote from Johnny

Bryce Wilson: Well, it's good to have you here. I'm Bryce Wilson, this is my partner, Tripp Campbell. Say hello to Advantage Capital.
Johnny: Oh, hi.
Tripp Campbell: Hope the jet was Johnny Rose approved. Although I guess at this point, coach would be Johnny Rose approved?
Bryce Wilson: Quite the tumble you took there, Johnny. [falling sound effect]
Johnny: Could have happened to any one of us. But thank you for flying us in today.
Tripp Campbell: Yeah, that was Mike's idea. Think he felt bad 'cause he wasn't gonna be here, you know?
Stevie: Maybe we should get things moving? Hi.
Johnny: Spoken like a true C.O.O.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Now, I'd like to introduce you to my team. This is Stevie Budd and Roland Schitt, and together we are Rosebud Motel Group.
Tripp Campbell: Look, we read the information packet you sent through. Buying up local motels, dusting them off, and selling it as a boutique experience. Right?
Johnny: That's correct. So Stevie how do you feel about walking us through the projections?
Stevie: Okay. So... [slide chimes] you might be thinking to yourself these motels are small, how and why should I... We invest? Well, that's a good question.
Bryce Wilson: I should hope so. It's why we're all here. [all laugh]
Stevie: Well, here's why. There are currently over 250,000 motels for sale across North America.
Johnny: Sadly, it's a dying industry, but not one without potential.
Stevie: Now, apply our re-invigoration model. Re-invigoration. [clicking] Um, should I just wait until it unfreezes?
Johnny: Billion dollar company and none of us can stop technology from cacking out, am I right?

Quote from Moira

Moira: No, listen to me, Jocelyn. The deal has to happen. Because it has to. Because there is no alternative. Okay? It's as simple as that.
Jocelyn: You're gripping my wrist very tightly, Moira.
Moira: Okay. Well, let's just continue celebrating Grace. [points to a different woman]
Grace: I'm Grace.
Moira: I know. But she's not... you're you're not celebrating enough. No.

Quote from David

Patrick: I don't think you took long enough.
David: Okay, am I holding a treat for you?
Patrick: I don't know, are you?
David: No. But you can share my muffin.
Patrick: Seriously. What took you so long?
David: Are you sitting down?
Patrick: I mean, I'm, I'm clearly not. What's up?

Quote from David

David: They are there talking to people in New York about securing the deal. Anyway, when the deal goes through apparently their plan is to move to New York.
Patrick: Wait? Whose plan? Your parents?
David: Yeah. And Alexis.
Patrick: You seem awfully excited for your family to move away?
David: We would be moving with them!
Patrick: What?
David: Yeah. Alexis has already short-listed apartments for us. One of them was featured in season 3 of Sex and the City.

Quote from David

Patrick: Wow. [chuckle] Don't-I don't know what to say.
David: I know. It's a lot to process. I was overwhelmed at first as well.
Patrick: I mean, David, our business is here.
David: Okay. What? You-you don't wanna go?
Patrick: Honestly? I don't know. I... Like, you're just telling me that you wanna uproot our entire lives, and it's just throwing me for a bit of a loop.
David: Okay. Well, you know, at this point it's just talk. So there's a good chance that, that the deal won't go through. In which case, you know this was just a big waste of time and frown lines. I thought you'd be excited. Would half a muffin help?
Patrick: I'm not sure.
David: You took it, so that's a good sign.

Quote from Roland

Stevie: Mr. Rose, that was so good. Did you see their faces? I mean, I think-I think they liked it.
Roland: Johnny, even I was impressed, and I thought you had blown it for all of us. [chuckles]
Stevie: Didn't you have a briefcase?
Roland: See this is what happens when Johnny impresses me. I get confused and I forget what I'm doing.
Johnny: What was in that briefcase anyway?
Roland: Nothing. You told me to look intimidating. So I brought a briefcase.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Family!
David: What's going on?
Moira: Nothing is going on, David. I'm just worried about your father. I don't believe the two of you were encouraging enough before he left.
Alexis: I made him a card.
David: And I said "take care".
Moira: We need to do something. Send some energy his way. Hands, children.
David: What's going on?
Moira: Perhaps we should kneel.
Alexis: Okay. You're scaring me.
Moira: Please.

Quote from Johnny

Ruth: I really shouldn't be saying this on company soil, but two of the junior partners and I are in the process of starting our own firm. We've got the team, we've secured the capital, and we're planning on launching next month, and this is exactly the kind of project we're hoping to get behind.
Johnny: Maybe I should wait to hear from Mike first.
Roland: Johnny, I think you should listen to her. Believe me, those people up there, they don't deserve to be in business with you.
Stevie: Mr. Rose, I don't know, I feel like I'm getting a good vibe from her.
Ruth: We would love to take you for lunch and hear more about your proposal.

Quote from Stevie

David: So you're like a businesswoman now.
Stevie: Damn right I am.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Champagne! Champagne for all!
Alexis: We only have Zhampagne.
Moira: Zhampagne for all!


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