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43Quotes from ‘Dead Guy in Room 4’

Schitt's Creek: Dead Guy in Room 4

401. Dead Guy in Room 4

Aired January 9, 2018

The morning after graduation night, Stevie discovers a guest has died in one of the motel rooms. Elsewhere, David tries to assure Patrick he's not trying to move too fast in their relationship, and Alexis helps Ted choose her replacement at the clinic.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's startlingly quiet in here, David. Is that a good sign?
David: I thought you were booked up all day, and that's why you couldn't help Dad with the dead b- That thing in the motel.
Moira: I am booked up, David. You should see my schedule. I'm positively bedevilled with meetings, etc.

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Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You know, when you kissed me, that, that felt like my first time. All the things that you're supposed to feel, I- I felt them last night.
David: Well, if we're being honest with each other, this is sort of like my first time, too. I mean it's not, I've kissed like a thousand people but nobody that I cared about or respected or thought was nice. So in a way, it's like we're both starting something new.
Patrick: Thank you, David. And hey, for the record, I- I also respect you and think that you're a good person.
David: Hmm. It's just I said nice person.
Patrick: I know.
David: Oh. I just need you to say nice person.
Patrick: You're a good person.
David: That's not nice.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well hello, all of you. Hello, hi. Isn't this a glittering sea of hopeful faces?
Johnny: My lovely wife, Moira.
Man: We wanna go outside.
Johnny: Outside.
Moira: Well, of course you do, who doesn't want to go outside? But it's also important to cherish what's going on inside. It's times like these that reminds one of the fact that we're all still alive. Don't you dare take that for granted. One day you're asking for an anti-inflammatory, the next day you've passed away in your sleep!
Johnny: I think we're getting a little off-topic, sweetheart.
Moira: The point being, no one knows when we're going to die! Or be implicated in, and then suddenly cleared of someone else's death. [coroner's van starts up, Stevie signals to Moira and Johnny] So, so, drink up! Go outside! And live your lives!

Quote from Moira

Moira: I don't know what to do, David. The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, why don't the new guests stay in your room?
Johnny: It'll take day just to re-box your mother's wigs.
Moira: Oh, my God, can you imagine? Not one of you is trained.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, enough. Let's get going, please?
Moira: Yes, yes, plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today. John, I hate to leave you like this!

Quote from Roland

Roland: My guys will be here between 4 and 5.
Johnny: Well, that's not good, we can't have the guests watching a dead body being dragged out of here.
Roland: So probably best to keep your guests in their rooms.
Stevie: And, how're we gonna do that?
Roland: Do the rooms lock from the outside?
Johnny: We're not locking the guests in their rooms, Roland.
Roland: Well, I'm sure they'll be fine, Johnny. I saw a lot of dead bodies when I was a kid, [in German accent] und I would say that I turned out pretty okay.

Quote from Moira

Moira: You know what I'd love? A tea.
David: We don't sell tea.
Patrick: Um, you know, I was gonna go make a run to the cafe, I could get you a tea if you want.
David: No, that's not necessary.
Moira: How serendipitous. Thank you, Peter.
Patrick: It's Patrick. Anything else?
Moira: Nothing else for me, thank you. Just the scone.
Patrick: You mean the tea?
Moira: Why not. Thank you.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Very well. How to get started. Um, I woke up yesterday morning with a spring in my step.
David: Start later, please.
Moira: I could never know where the day was...
David: Fast forward it.
Moira: I ran into the elderly gentleman outside his room and he asked me for a painkiller.
David: And?
Moira: I told him I didn't have one.
David: Okay.
Moira: But I did have one. In fact, I had several sample packets in my purse. I had come from the pharmacy, and they were just out in a bowl. But I refused the man, and the next thing I know, he turns up dead!
David: Well, why didn't you just give him the pill?
Moira: Because David, because I can barely come to terms with the fact that I've resorted to hoarding sample packets of a basic headache medication, let alone reveal it to the world. This is what my life has come to, David, killing a man over a complimentary bolus.

Quote from David

Johnny: I mean we can't have the other guests finding out about a dead body in one of the rooms.
David: Ugh!
Alexis: Ew! There's a dead body in one of the rooms?
David: Okay, I always knew there'd be a murder here eventually. I'm gonna go pack up my things. I assume we're moving?

Quote from David

Johnny: We're not packing up our things, and everybody just calm down. Nobody's been murdered.
Stevie: Okay, the old man in Room 4 died alone in his sleep.
David: Why do I find that scenario even more bone-chilling than murder?

Quote from David

David: It feels like every time the motel sells out, someone dies.
Johnny: Uh, we've only sold out one night.
David: Exactly.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: Okay, so Roland knows a guy at the coroner's office.
Johnny: Wait, you told Roland?
Stevie: Yes. I don't know, I- I ran into him, and he asked me how I was.
Johnny: Well, that's not good, Stevie.
Stevie: No, I might have panicked.
Johnny: I wouldn't trust Roland with a set of chopsticks, let alone a dead body!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Ah!
Johnny: Ha, now that is what I call a beautiful morning! Looks like another full house tonight. Things are starting to look up, sweetheart. Big waves! Big waves!
Moira: Oh, yes. Yes, tidal waves of prosperity are crashing down, all around us.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Hey partner, what's the good word?
Stevie: There's a dead guy in Room 4.
Johnny: What? What do ya mean there's a dead guy in come in, come in.
Moira: Did I hear what I think I heard? Has someone been killed?
Stevie: No.
Moira: No! No, John, no. No! I have endured a cornucopia of trauma that last few years, I draw the line at living in a crime scene.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Okay, nobody's been murdered, Mrs. Rose. I went in to clean Room 4, and this old guy was like, asleep in his bed. But like, forever asleep. [sighs] Like, checked out without paying, asleep.
Johnny: Okay, I think it's a little early for humour, Stevie.
Stevie: Oh, I'm sorry, did you just see a dead body?

Quote from Alexis

Moira: Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie: Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis: I don't think you want people answering that question.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You gave me such a hard time for getting involved with Ted, and then you just French your business partner literally the second he peeks his head out of the closet.
David: I'll have you know this is the healthiest first day of a relationship I've ever had.
Alexis: Well, all I know is that Patrick is a sweet, little, button face, David, so don't mess this up.

Quote from David

Johnny: Oh good, I'm glad you're both still here. We're gonna need your room for the night, so uh, pack up.
Alexis: Um, no.
David: Absolutely not.
Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body, and disinfect Room 4, in time for check-in.
David: Okay, every inch of that sentence made me sick.

Quote from David

Johnny: Okay, bottom line, we need the room, so throw some things in a bag and we're gonna set you up in our room.
David: Okay, I've never just thrown some things in a bag before, so you might have to give me a minute.
Alexis: Yeah, and I'm gonna be sleeping somewhere else.
David: Same.
Alexis: Like literally anywhere else.
David: Yeah, like an old tent by the side of the highway.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hello, Johnny. Stevie. I come bearing good news.
Stevie: Okay, Roland, as you can see, Mr. Rose is checking out a guest right now, so maybe you can hold off on that good news?
Roland: Oh sure, I got it. Uh, well let me just say this, re the toilet that died in Room 4, the plumber will be here in a few hours. He said he'd be here sooner, but he has another autopsy.
Johnny: Toilet on the fritz.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I also had a question.
Ted: Uh yeah, Alexis, I'd love to answer that question, it's just I'm kind of right in the middle of interviewing these people, so.
Alexis: Okay, yeah, totally. I will just um... Um... I actually used to work here. This used to be my desk, so.
Ted: You know, now that you're here, I guess you could sit in on the interviews with me.
Alexis: Oh. Okay, sure. Now, everybody, just so you know, I got a job here, and I have literally zero interest in animals, so you guys are already like, way ahead.

Quote from Moira

Patrick: One tea for you. One caramel macchiato skim, two sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder for you.
David: Thank you.
Moira: You're very speedy.
Patrick: Thanks. I wasn't sure about the scone, so I got one just to be safe.
Moira: There's nothing wrong with treating yourself, dear.

Quote from David

David: Okay, well are you even sure that the pill would have saved his life?
Moira: We'll have to let the courts decide.
David: The courts? Well, know that you've unloaded this on me, what am I, an accomplice?
Moira: David, I came here to be talked off a ledge, not pushed!
David: Can you imagine this in prison?

Quote from Moira

Patrick: Can I interject? I know I wasn't supposed to be listening to this conversation, but it's a small space, and your voice carries so beautifully.
Moira: Mmm-hmm.
Patrick: Mrs. Rose, I can say with 100% certainty, you have nothing to worry about.
Moira: Well that's very kind of you, dear, but now's not the time for well-intended placation.
Patrick: You're legally prohibited from supplying medication to your guests, so by not giving him anything you've actually avoided any potential liability in his death.
Moira: Well, there we have it then. Thank God you're here Pa...
David: trick.
Moira: Trick. You know how David can get carried away, I'm sure.
Patrick: Oh, I do.
Moira: Well, I suppose I'll head back to the scene of the crime, with which I had nothing to do.

Quote from Moira

Patrick: Can I ring that up for you?
Moira: I paid way too much for a wedge of brie last week, so let's call it even.
David: I don't think it works like that.
Moira: Alexis was right, he's a button.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: But there is someone staying with us right now who works in a quarry. So, I bet he has a lot of stories.
Johnny: And what kind of kid doesn't like rocks?
Stevie: Yeah.
Johnny: Maybe he'll even get to take one home.
Female guest: Ooh. I'm gonna think about it.
Stevie: Yeah, it's mandatory.
Female guest: It's mandatory?
Johnny: Well again, wrong choice of words, it's not mandatory, but there is a fee for not attending, so you'll be paying for it either way.
Female guest: What?
Stevie: Yeah, so we'll just be by a little later to escort you to the lobby.
Johnny: In the meantime, you can put your son to bed and just make sure he's up and ready to go at 3:55. Okay? Bye for now.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I have to admit, Alexis, some of your questions were shockingly effective. I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger.
Alexis: Hmm, thank you.
Ted: Who would've known that Paul was allergic to cats? What was he doing here?

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Alexis, wait. Who would you hire from today?
Alexis: Um, I liked the guy with the glasses.
Ted: Me too.
Alexis: Um, or the guy with cystic acne. Either or.
Ted: Okay.
Alexis: Or the girl with the oily braid. Also very good.
Ted: Okay, lots to think about there. Thank you, Alexis.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, hello everyone, welcome. Welcome. Hope you're enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka. We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way. Uh, well what a wonderful opportunity for all the guests to uh, get to know each other. Anyone from out of town? [all hands go up] Well, that makes sense. [laughs] You're all staying at the motel. Um, oh Frank, Frank Frank is here. Frank who works at a quarry. Did you bring some rocks in for the kids, Frank?
Frank: No, I didn't bring any rocks.
Johnny: No rocks? Well.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: And thank you all for spending this hour with us. I hope you enjoyed the complimentary refreshments.
Stevie: Okay, people, let's leave the cups inside. We're not in Vegas, here. Thank you.


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