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‘Dead Guy in Room 4’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Schitt's Creek: Dead Guy in Room 4

401. Dead Guy in Room 4

Aired January 9, 2018

The morning after graduation night, Stevie discovers a guest has died in one of the motel rooms. Elsewhere, David tries to assure Patrick he's not trying to move too fast in their relationship, and Alexis helps Ted choose her replacement at the clinic.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It's startlingly quiet in here, David. Is that a good sign?
David: I thought you were booked up all day, and that's why you couldn't help Dad with the dead b- That thing in the motel.
Moira: I am booked up, David. You should see my schedule. I'm positively bedevilled with meetings, etc.

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Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You know, when you kissed me, that, that felt like my first time. All the things that you're supposed to feel, I- I felt them last night.
David: Well, if we're being honest with each other, this is sort of like my first time, too. I mean it's not, I've kissed like a thousand people but nobody that I cared about or respected or thought was nice. So in a way, it's like we're both starting something new.
Patrick: Thank you, David. And hey, for the record, I- I also respect you and think that you're a good person.
David: Hmm. It's just I said nice person.
Patrick: I know.
David: Oh. I just need you to say nice person.
Patrick: You're a good person.
David: That's not nice.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well hello, all of you. Hello, hi. Isn't this a glittering sea of hopeful faces?
Johnny: My lovely wife, Moira.
Man: We wanna go outside.
Johnny: Outside.
Moira: Well, of course you do, who doesn't want to go outside? But it's also important to cherish what's going on inside. It's times like these that reminds one of the fact that we're all still alive. Don't you dare take that for granted. One day you're asking for an anti-inflammatory, the next day you've passed away in your sleep!
Johnny: I think we're getting a little off-topic, sweetheart.
Moira: The point being, no one knows when we're going to die! Or be implicated in, and then suddenly cleared of someone else's death. [coroner's van starts up, Stevie signals to Moira and Johnny] So, so, drink up! Go outside! And live your lives!

Quote from Moira

Moira: I don't know what to do, David. The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, why don't the new guests stay in your room?
Johnny: It'll take day just to re-box your mother's wigs.
Moira: Oh, my God, can you imagine? Not one of you is trained.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, enough. Let's get going, please?
Moira: Yes, yes, plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today. John, I hate to leave you like this!

Quote from Roland

Roland: My guys will be here between 4 and 5.
Johnny: Well, that's not good, we can't have the guests watching a dead body being dragged out of here.
Roland: So probably best to keep your guests in their rooms.
Stevie: And, how're we gonna do that?
Roland: Do the rooms lock from the outside?
Johnny: We're not locking the guests in their rooms, Roland.
Roland: Well, I'm sure they'll be fine, Johnny. I saw a lot of dead bodies when I was a kid, [in German accent] und I would say that I turned out pretty okay.

Quote from Moira

Moira: You know what I'd love? A tea.
David: We don't sell tea.
Patrick: Um, you know, I was gonna go make a run to the cafe, I could get you a tea if you want.
David: No, that's not necessary.
Moira: How serendipitous. Thank you, Peter.
Patrick: It's Patrick. Anything else?
Moira: Nothing else for me, thank you. Just the scone.
Patrick: You mean the tea?
Moira: Why not. Thank you.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Very well. How to get started. Um, I woke up yesterday morning with a spring in my step.
David: Start later, please.
Moira: I could never know where the day was...
David: Fast forward it.
Moira: I ran into the elderly gentleman outside his room and he asked me for a painkiller.
David: And?
Moira: I told him I didn't have one.
David: Okay.
Moira: But I did have one. In fact, I had several sample packets in my purse. I had come from the pharmacy, and they were just out in a bowl. But I refused the man, and the next thing I know, he turns up dead!
David: Well, why didn't you just give him the pill?
Moira: Because David, because I can barely come to terms with the fact that I've resorted to hoarding sample packets of a basic headache medication, let alone reveal it to the world. This is what my life has come to, David, killing a man over a complimentary bolus.

Quote from David

Johnny: I mean we can't have the other guests finding out about a dead body in one of the rooms.
David: Ugh!
Alexis: Ew! There's a dead body in one of the rooms?
David: Okay, I always knew there'd be a murder here eventually. I'm gonna go pack up my things. I assume we're moving?

Quote from David

Johnny: We're not packing up our things, and everybody just calm down. Nobody's been murdered.
Stevie: Okay, the old man in Room 4 died alone in his sleep.
David: Why do I find that scenario even more bone-chilling than murder?

Quote from David

David: It feels like every time the motel sells out, someone dies.
Johnny: Uh, we've only sold out one night.
David: Exactly.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: Okay, so Roland knows a guy at the coroner's office.
Johnny: Wait, you told Roland?
Stevie: Yes. I don't know, I- I ran into him, and he asked me how I was.
Johnny: Well, that's not good, Stevie.
Stevie: No, I might have panicked.
Johnny: I wouldn't trust Roland with a set of chopsticks, let alone a dead body!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Ah!
Johnny: Ha, now that is what I call a beautiful morning! Looks like another full house tonight. Things are starting to look up, sweetheart. Big waves! Big waves!
Moira: Oh, yes. Yes, tidal waves of prosperity are crashing down, all around us.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Hey partner, what's the good word?
Stevie: There's a dead guy in Room 4.
Johnny: What? What do ya mean there's a dead guy in come in, come in.
Moira: Did I hear what I think I heard? Has someone been killed?
Stevie: No.
Moira: No! No, John, no. No! I have endured a cornucopia of trauma that last few years, I draw the line at living in a crime scene.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Okay, nobody's been murdered, Mrs. Rose. I went in to clean Room 4, and this old guy was like, asleep in his bed. But like, forever asleep. [sighs] Like, checked out without paying, asleep.
Johnny: Okay, I think it's a little early for humour, Stevie.
Stevie: Oh, I'm sorry, did you just see a dead body?

Quote from Alexis

Moira: Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie: Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis: I don't think you want people answering that question.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You gave me such a hard time for getting involved with Ted, and then you just French your business partner literally the second he peeks his head out of the closet.
David: I'll have you know this is the healthiest first day of a relationship I've ever had.
Alexis: Well, all I know is that Patrick is a sweet, little, button face, David, so don't mess this up.

Quote from David

Johnny: Oh good, I'm glad you're both still here. We're gonna need your room for the night, so uh, pack up.
Alexis: Um, no.
David: Absolutely not.
Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body, and disinfect Room 4, in time for check-in.
David: Okay, every inch of that sentence made me sick.

Quote from David

Johnny: Okay, bottom line, we need the room, so throw some things in a bag and we're gonna set you up in our room.
David: Okay, I've never just thrown some things in a bag before, so you might have to give me a minute.
Alexis: Yeah, and I'm gonna be sleeping somewhere else.
David: Same.
Alexis: Like literally anywhere else.
David: Yeah, like an old tent by the side of the highway.

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