Johnny: Well, I... should probably tell you that you don't necessarily have to trust all my instincts... all the time. Since you've been gone, I did have to bring on a third business partner, and I may as well tell you that it's...
Stevie: Roland. I know. He gave me his new business card.
Johnny: Never saw so many typos on a business card.

Patrick: Oh, hey, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Patrick! Uh, yeah, I was gonna say hello, I, uh, didn't wanna interrupt.
Patrick: No, no, not at all. I'm just watching the game. Hey, do you want some pizza?
Johnny: Uh... yeah, I could go for some 'za. [chuckles]
Patrick: Ordered it a while ago, so it might be a bit cold by now, but...
Johnny: Oh, that's okay, cold pizza can be good. Hot pizza's good. Too-hot pizza - not so good. I got that happening.
Patrick: Yeah.
Johnny: Oh, is this thin crust?
Patrick: I think it's just regular.
Johnny: Oh yeah, well, I love a regular crust. Yeah, cheese, tomato sauce, bread. Can't beat that combination.

Patrick: Yeah, I guess I don't need to turn the volume down for these commercial breaks.
Johnny: Oh, whatever works for you.
Patrick: It's just I thought you had something that you wanted to talk about?
Johnny: Oh, no, just wondering what the inflation was on concessions these days, 'cause it's been years since I've been to a ball game. [chuckles]
Patrick: Well, it's highway robbery.
Johnny: Yeah, you got that right. [chuckles]
Patrick: It just sorta seemed like you wanted to talk about David for a second. Felt like that's where you were goin'.
Johnny: No, I... sure. Yeah, I can talk about David. Yeah, my son... [clears throat] Who, uh, you will be... walking down the aisle with very soon. Well, technically, you won't be walking with him... down the aisle, but... but um...

Alexis: You talked to him!
Johnny: Well, I-I just for... I did talk to him. Brief conversation, but just in passing.
Alexis: Why would you do that? I told you that I was in control of the situation.
Johnny: Well, honey, I don't know whether you were. I was just trying to... help. Alexis, in the past, I... I couldn't always be there for you when you were... when you were dealing with... heartbreak. I wasn't there to protect you. And I guess I was just being... a bit overzealous, and... trying to make up for lost time.
Alexis: Well, if you really wanna know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?"
Johnny: Well, I don't really want to know.

Johnny: Ah, everybody, I'd like to thank you all for coming out today, and uh helping to save David and Patrick's big day. And on a personal note, I'd like to thank you all... for helping to save my family over these past few years. I don't think we could have gotten through without you all...

Johnny: Wait! Stop the car!
Moira: What is it?
Johnny: Just wanted one last look. Driver, we're ready.
[The camera pans around to reveal the "Welcome to Schitt's Creek sign" has been repainted with Moira and Johnny in place of the "brother and sister". David and Alexis have been added to the background.]

David: I just must've typed in the pin number wrong.
Johnny: It's actually just "pin". You don't have to say, "pin number". That's redundant.
David: Okay, okay. Wow. Are you doing this right now?!

Stevie: Let me guess, this has something to do with the accountants conference?
Johnny: Yes. [Stevie makes a crude gesture again] No, no, you're mistaken. Stevie, she would've disclosed that information if that were the case!
Stevie: Really?
Johnny: No. But look, if it makes you feel any better, we'll go and check it out. But when it turns out I'm right, and it's just a group of business professionals decompressing for a few hours during a long day at a regional accountants' conference, then I expect a full apology.
Stevie: You don't hear it, when you say it like that?
Johnny: I hear it a bit.

Johnny: David, if you're going out again, can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-you-it stretches, and then, and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That-that whole thing just fell off the roller!
David: Wow, um, Dad, you remember Stevie.
Johnny: Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.

Minister: Now, to say a few words, I'd like to bring up a close friend and one of Carl's personal heroes Johnny Rose.
Johnny: [baby crying] Thank you, minister. Carl. What to say about Carl ? Once so full of life and now lying very, very close to me. What a terrible thing death is. And yet, for Carl, pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point. He-He was a- He was a man who loved a good sweater I'm told. And- And he loved the feel of big tool in his hand, am I right, Bob? And I wonder, when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan that he was so very proud of, was he ever thinking of this town where he was born where he lived, and where he died. Where he died. But I- I- I'm not up here today to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek. [cell phone interrupts] I'm- I'm here- I'm-
Bree: [on the phone] Where the hell are you, Sean?! At a bar?! If anyone should be in a bar right now, it's me. Sean! Excuse me.
Johnny: Well, I- I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek! I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here and how we might never escape this place. And how we do not wanna end up in a coffin, like Carl, here in this godforsaken-
[Moira begins to sing Danny Boy]