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34Quotes from ‘Moira Rosé’

Schitt's Creek: Moira Rosé

607. Moira Rosé

Aired February 18, 2020

Moira and David spend the day sampling Herb Ertlinger's fruit wines to develop a product bearing her name. Alexis takes Stevie, Jocelyn, Twlya and Ronnie to a fitness class that she's promoting. Meanwhile, Johnny wants to have a talk with Patrick.

Quote from Roland

Roland: I remember when Jocelyn's dad gave me the talk. I mean, he was trying to talk me out of getting married, but she was 9 months pregnant at the time, so he really didn't have a leg to stand on. But I'll tell you, I could not get out of that sauna fast enough. No way!

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Alexis, can I still go on the trip? I'm not saying that I need it. It's just last weekend I snuck Roland Jr. Into the ball room at Ikea, just so I could eat a meatball by myself.

Quote from Moira

Moira: It turns out Herb Ertlinger, the great fruit vintner, is rabid fan of the Crows movie - good luck finding someone who isn't - and he would like to name a wine after me.
David: Oh my...
Patrick: They should call it a... a Moira Rosé. [chuckles]
Moira: Yes, that's what he has in mind.

Quote from Johnny

Patrick: Oh, hey, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Patrick! Uh, yeah, I was gonna say hello, I, uh, didn't wanna interrupt.
Patrick: No, no, not at all. I'm just watching the game. Hey, do you want some pizza?
Johnny: Uh... yeah, I could go for some 'za. [chuckles]
Patrick: Ordered it a while ago, so it might be a bit cold by now, but...
Johnny: Oh, that's okay, cold pizza can be good. Hot pizza's good. Too-hot pizza - not so good. I got that happening.
Patrick: Yeah.
Johnny: Oh, is this thin crust?
Patrick: I think it's just regular.
Johnny: Oh yeah, well, I love a regular crust. Yeah, cheese, tomato sauce, bread. Can't beat that combination.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I'm just gonna go and destroy this right now, because I get the creeping suspicion that this place is like, not okay. Like I feel like this is more than just a fitness class.
Ronnie: What do you think it is?
Alexis: Um, I think it's a cult. And like not the good kind. Not like when you go to India to follow a long-haired, sexy man around for a couple months and then come home with a bangin' yoga body.

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: No. No. No one is going on the trip. And I am so sorry for making you guys sign up for this.
Ronnie: Well, I'm keeping the Hydration bottles. I can just dump out the crystal water.
Twyla: Just a heads up, you guys, they're almost sold out of the "nocturnal affirmation" cassette tapes, so...
Alexis: Twy...
Twyla: Now I just need to buy one of their cassette players. Because you have to make sure they're playing at the right speed when you're sleeping.
Alexis: Twy, this is a cult. I brought you to a cult.
Twyla: Oh my gosh, did you not know that? My mom tried to take me to the gateway for spring break one year. I just thought I was supporting your career.

Quote from Moira

David: Ugh! Okay, you know what? I'm making a blend.
Moira: Yes. Make us a nice Moira-lot... or a Moira Rose-ling. Hey, not to be too effusive, but I'd call that one potable.
David: I have had worst things in my mouth. [chuckles]
Moira: I'm so happy that I wrestled you away today for this oenological escapade. I finally have you all to myself, David. When's the last time you and I had a whole day together with nary a care in the world?
David: I mean, I am in the middle of planning a wedding, while also building a successful retail empire.
Moira: Yes, you are. Then grant me this precious moment before there's a ring on your finger - to say chin chin to you and your husband-to-be.
David: This feels remarkably selfless.

Quote from Moira

Moira: You and Patrick are two good grapes. Different notes, different tannins, but... together, you've managed to make one perfect blend.
David: Thank you.
Moira: That being said...
David: Oh my God.
Moira: If I may impart a slice of marital sagacity: you and I, we're two potent grapes. You know, there's a lot of your father in Patrick.
David: Don't need that.
Moira: But just because their notes are subtle doesn't mean they require any less attention.
David: Says the woman who literally convinced me to leave my partner alone at home, watching a baseball game.
Moira: You know I'm right. Your father and I have produced beautiful wine together for over forty years.
David: Ew.
Moira: And I have absolutely no doubt that your relationship with Patrick is going to get even better with age.

Quote from Johnny

Patrick: Yeah, I guess I don't need to turn the volume down for these commercial breaks.
Johnny: Oh, whatever works for you.
Patrick: It's just I thought you had something that you wanted to talk about?
Johnny: Oh, no, just wondering what the inflation was on concessions these days, 'cause it's been years since I've been to a ball game. [chuckles]
Patrick: Well, it's highway robbery.
Johnny: Yeah, you got that right. [chuckles]
Patrick: It just sorta seemed like you wanted to talk about David for a second. Felt like that's where you were goin'.
Johnny: No, I... sure. Yeah, I can talk about David. Yeah, my son... [clears throat] Who, uh, you will be... walking down the aisle with very soon. Well, technically, you won't be walking with him... down the aisle, but... but um...

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Mr. Rose, I don't wanna cut you off, but um... [clears throat] I'm glad we have a minute to talk. Because I, I hope it goes without saying that, as lucky as I feel to have met David, I also feel incredibly lucky to be joining your family. I love your son and I will always do everything I can to respect him and to protect him from all of the things in life that can set him off. And there are many, many things that can set him off...
Johnny: [laughs] Oh, I'm aware, yeah. Um... oh boy, that... pretty much covers it. Uh, I was only gonna say that I... I hope you treat him with... respect, which you just said you would, and, of course... I already knew it.
Patrick: I'm glad we had this talk, Mr. Rose.
Johnny: Me too. Me too.
Patrick: All right.

Quote from David

Moira: [gasps] What do we have here? I seem to have stumbled into some sort of gentlemen's cavern.
Patrick: Hey, thanks for letting me stay here tonight, Mrs. Rose, When David told me he wanted to install a Japanese toilet at my place, he neglected to mention that it would involve taking out a wall.
David: It was in the email. Also, you will be thanking me when you experience the heated, motion-sensor toilet seat.

Quote from Jocelyn

Twyla: I didn't know they'd make us change out of our own workout clothes.
Jocelyn: Yeah, I kinda wish I knew that before I spent all that money on my LuLu Limes.

Quote from David

David: Why did he hit the ball like that?
Patrick: So that is called a bunt. It's uh, it's tactical. It allows the guy on first to get over to second.
David: Okay. Who came up with the word "bunt"? Sounds like something you'd need to see a surgeon for.
Patrick: David, this is an important game. You told me you could get into this.
David: I was referring to the pizza. But, also, the game.

Quote from David

Moira: Yes, but he wants me to sample the fruits of his labor this very day!
David: Well, this seems like a very important moment in your life. I only wish I could be there.
Moira: I can't go alone.
David: [sighs] Well, unfortunately, I told my fiancé I'd watch the game with him...
Patrick: Just go, David.
David: Okay. Are you sure?
Patrick: Yes. You guys might wanna rehearse a little more next time. The extraction did feel a bit strained.
David: [quietly to Moira] That was you.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, so how did this happen? I'm shocked he'd give you a second chance after that train wreck of a commercial.
Moira: Mark my words, David, Herb...
David: Ertlinger.
Moira: Mm-hmm. Won't be the last we see to clamber out of the woodwork now that I have a hit film on my hands. Spines tend to liquidate in the presence of success.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Speaking of. Herb!
David: [quietly] ERT-linger. ERT. LINGER.
Moira: Herb Ertlinger.
Herb Ertlinger: Nailed it first try. [laughs] Hey, bygones be bygones about the TV spot. At least the print ad worked out. Pretty hard to mess up one of those!
David: Clearly you haven't seen the heartburn ads she shot with Anne Geddes.

Quote from Moira

Herb Ertlinger: My wife and I got a real kick out of that Crows movie. So we would love to make our Moira Rosé an exclusive and limited release. This is what we're thinking for the label.
Moira: [gasps] Well, hello! Who is she and how do we get a mouthful of her?!

Quote from Moira

Herb Ertlinger: Now, it's important that you believe in the product you're selling, so we have a few options: there's the strawberry-peach, the ground fruits blend, and... a lovely banana rosé. Huh?
David: Mmm.
Moira: Rich in potassium.

Quote from Moira

Herb Ertlinger: So, uh, sample at your leisure. I'll come back with some coffee grounds and a cheese board. Again, we are so thrilled to have you here, Moira. Enjoy.
David: Thank you so much.
Moira: Poor thing. Okay. Here is to being able to share the perks of the industry with you. Salut. [glasses clink]
David: Cheers.
Moira: Oh, I had my reservations about banana.
David: Um, that's strawberry-peach.
Moira: Oh dear, it tastes like Amoxicillin.

Quote from David

David: This one's burning my throat. These are terrible!
Moira: Well, we have to pick one, David.
David: Do we? You really want people associating your name with this... laundry detergent? I would never sell this at my store.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Ugh, how did I fall for this? Cults prey on sad, weak, vulnerable people.
Jocelyn: I'll try not to take that personally.
Alexis: I've just been so desperate to like throw myself into work, and I clearly missed all the signs and now I've like endangered all of us.

Quote from David

Herb Ertlinger: So, it was this one?
David: Um, let me just triple check. [gags] No. [laughs] No, it's not.
Moira: [slurring] Did it oxidize? Is that why we can't recognize the tastes?
Herb Ertlinger: Okay, if neither of you can remember which one it was, maybe we just, we just call this off. The wife and I had reservations at the Elmdale Inn an hour ago.
Moira: It was strawberry-radish.
Herb Ertlinger: We don't do anything with radishes.
David: Ooh, maybe you should. That sounds refreshing.
Herb Ertlinger: We're not making a new wine!
Moira: [schocked gasp] There's no need to raise your voices, Herbert.
David: Okay, speaking of Herbert, is it Herbert or Erbert? Like when people say Herb or Erb?

Quote from David

David: How was your class, Alexis?
Alexis: Um, it was a big success. Thank you for asking. Everyone had a great time and the clients were like super impressed.
David: Oh, that's good. I wonder if that means they'll give you priority boarding when you enter the gateway?
Alexis: Oh my God, Stevie did this, didn't she?
David: Now, do the step machines actually lift off the ground, or are the step machines just there to help you practice for when you walk onto the spaceship?
Patrick: Come on, David, she didn't know.
Alexis: Thank you!
Patrick: But now that you do, does it just make the journey to the gateway that much more meaningful?
Alexis: Okay, you know what? Honestly, this whole situation is starting to gross me out. It's like I'm sharing a room with my twin brothers who kiss.
David: Mm! [David and Patrick kiss]

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You know, spending a little extra time together is not such a bad idea since we're losing Alexis soon to the gateway.
Alexis: Oh my God-duh!
Johnny: A simple mistake, honey.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So, David, I take it you'll be employed as cheerleader for whatever televised sporting event is unfolding for the remainder of the day?
David: Alas, this is Patrick's day. We're doing what Patrick wants.

Quote from Ronnie

Alexis: As Elevation's official regional brand ambassador and regional marketing invigorator, I need to ask you guys: are you ready for a total physical and emotional transformation?
Ronnie: Nah, but I'll do your class.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: I found a stain on my pants. Are we sure that they clean these?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, ladies, are we ready to elevate?
Ronnie: Nah.
Stevie: What if I just wait in the car until you're ready for lunch? 'Cause I'm just getting a really weird vibe from this place.
Alexis: Stevie, we've talked about this. You are a businesswoman now and part of that means that you need to be like physically and mentally sharp. And also, I get paid for everyone that signs up, so mm, mm, mm.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Johnny. Listen, I don't wanna creep you out or anything, but I was just peering into your son's bedroom...
Johnny: Okay, not off to a good start, Roland.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Well, do you know that Patrick's sitting in there all by himself?
Johnny: Uh, yes, I'm aware. He's spending the night with us. Patrick is practically family now.
Roland: Ah. Have you told him that?
Johnny: Well, no, I haven't told him. I mean, I haven't exactly said it out loud.
Roland: Yeah... I don't know, Johnny. Not having the big father/ son-in-law chat feels like a missed opportunity to lay down some laws. Maybe Patrick should get "the talk" from old Uncle Roland.
Johnny: 'Kay, nobody's having a talk with Uncle Roland.

Quote from Ronnie

Twyla: Oh yeah, I feel amazing. Does anyone wanna sign up with me? I'm happy to share a tent!
Jocelyn: If babies are allowed, I am in.
Ronnie: Consider me a convert. I'm gonna go grab a couple of those Elevation Hydration bottles.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Yeah. Um, hey! Citrus?
Citrus: Yeah?
Alexis: Well, first of all, so great to finally experience what we're marketing.
Citrus: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Alexis.
Alexis: [chuckles] Although, from a marketing perspective, I think it'd be really helpful to just like... clarify some of the language that we're using.
Citrus: Okay. Like what?
Alexis: Well, first of all, I noticed that you referred to, um, like "demons" a lot.
Citrus: Well, we all have demons!
Alexis: Yes, and I get that. Carbs. Am I right? [both laugh]
Citrus: Right. But I'm also talking about actual demons.
Alexis: Yes... Okay. I guess I'm just asking for the people signing up right now, um, is the gateway like a symbol for something or is it like an actual gateway?
Citrus: Oh! It's, it's a symbol.
Alexis: Okay, good. [both laugh]
Citrus: But it's also a literal gateway into the sky.
Alexis: Gotcha.
Citrus: I hope that cleared everything up.
Alexis: Totally.

Quote from David

Herb Ertlinger: I took the liberty of calling your husband, Moira, because somebody has to drive you two home and it's certainly not going to be me.
Both: [gasp]
Moira: Our designated grapes!
Johnny: Well, I see the sampling went well.
Both: Okay.
David: We couldn't find a wine.
Patrick: Well, it sorta smells like you... found all the wine.
David: What?
Patrick: Yeah...

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Mr. Ertlinger, I hope this doesn't stand in the way of... our doing business.
Herb Ertlinger: Your wife has ensured that that won't be happening. Between the two of them they could not find a single wine they were willing to put Moira's name on.
David: I said radish!
Herb Ertlinger: We... [swallows anger] Could you please escort your family out of here? I am very late for a dinner!
Johnny: I am offering a major apology if that'll help. [awkward silence] Okay. I take it keys are in your purse, Moira?


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