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The Premiere

‘The Premiere’

Season 6, Episode 5 -  Aired February 4, 2020

Buoyed by a positive review of The Crows movie, Moira has Alexis arrange an impromptu premiere in Schitt's Creek. Meanwhile, Stevie reconsiders her decision to leave the motel, and David cares for Patrick after he has his wisdom teeth removed.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: I'm tired.
David: Oh, okay. Well, you know what, we should probably get you over to the bed.
Patrick: Okay. You know what I really wanna do with you?
David: Uh-huh. Ethically speaking, I don't think we can do that with you in this state.
Patrick: Have a baby.
David: 'Kay, we will make a baby as soon as you sober up.
Patrick: Oh no, not make a baby. Have a baby. Like I wanna have like a little baby with you. And we could just love it and hold it and bounce it.
David: Yeah, that's a... that's a big one-eighty.
Patrick: You would be such a good dad.
David: Have we met?
Patrick: I wish you were my dad.
David: Okay, now we're just spiraling off in all directions.


Quote from Moira

Twyla: Oh, it's too bad you won't be there tonight. It would've been nice to cheer you on.
Jocelyn: Yeah, and my plus-one, Janet from the Elmdale Chronicle, would've really loved a quote.
Moira: Well, you might want to tell your friend Janet that there just may be a bombshell attendee after all.
Twyla: [gasps] Yay! A premiere! Oh, I don't know if I have anything fancy enough to wear.
Moira: Oh, my default is always formal, but I'm sure no one will bat a side-eye at black-tie casual. Oh, but do pack eye-drops! The film's first third is densely packed with exposition, and you won't want to blink.
Jocelyn: Are you sure it's okay that we haven't seen the first two movies?
Moira: Oh, it's actually best. A lot of this film blatantly contradicts what's been established in the first two.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Well, I'm still excited. It reminds me of that time that Renée Zellweger's brother came in here, and I got him to sign a menu. I mean, he spelled his name differently, but I swear it was him.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, it's just that I know that you don't wanna make a big deal about of this, so I can just tell them not to come.
Moira: I may have been wrong and you may have been not wrong. We can position this as a terrifying tale premiering in an equally spine-chilling town. If the ornithologist review is any barometer, Alexis, we m-m-m-m-m may just have a hit on our hands.
Alexis: Um, last week, you told me explicitly that this was not a premiere, and now it's too late.
Moira: Alexis, if you want to cut your teeth as a high-profile publicist, you'll need to get used to throwing things together in a crunch.
Alexis: I have four hours!
Moira: That's eons! When Demi decided on a Friday night at 6pm that she wanted to celebrate her 40th in Aspen, her publicist had us in parkas by 7. Sadly, Megan went into cardiac arrest on the flight, but she perished doing what she loved.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, I... should probably tell you that you don't necessarily have to trust all my instincts... all the time. Since you've been gone, I did have to bring on a third business partner, and I may as well tell you that it's...
Stevie: Roland. I know. He gave me his new business card.
Johnny: Never saw so many typos on a business card.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, I know that you don't want kids, and that's fine with me, okay? I was very high on anaesthetic.
David: Okay, it's just that earlier today, when we were in Stevie's car because your car's always in the shop, you had mentioned that you'd always pictured yourself having a kid.
Patrick: You've never pictured yourself doing something that didn't end up happening?
David: Of course. I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: David, I am happy with the life I've got. I'm happy with you. Things change.
David: Okay. You're a hundred percent sure you're not just saying you don't wanna have a kid, but, in actuality, you secretly do and are repressing that need... just for me?
Patrick: I don't wanna undermine the significance of this conversation, but I do wanna make it known that I was watching Bridget Jones's Baby right before I went under.
David: Okay, well that makes a little more sense then.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, I don't know, Moira, I'm no movie expert, but according to the early reviews, you may have a hit on your hands.
Moira: Reviews?
Twyla: Yeah. There was an article posted on the Crows account that you made us all follow. Come look!
Moira: Ornithology Today! Well, if anyone knows crows... "The Crows Have Eyes III is 'good fun.'" Well, that's hyperbolic. I mean, they already had "fun" [laughs] and now they've added "good."
Jocelyn: [laughs] Keep reading!
Moira: "The film showcases the emotional depth and intellectual capacity of our oft-maligned friend, the crow." We were resolute about not making an issues movie, but I'm glad they picked up on that.
Jocelyn: It mentions you, Moira.
Moira: It does? Where? My eyes are blurred. Oh, here it is. "Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake, is delightfully unhinged." Do you know what they call this, gals? An understated rave.

Quote from Moira

Moira: What is it, Alexis?!
Alexis: Oh my God, okay! So I thought because they're not throwing a premiere, we could plan a premiere screening here in town. Could be like a cute press angle.
Moira: Oh, sure, for a scrappy little novice, but not for someone who's cut many a crimson rug. What's next, I sign my name in the pavement outside Bob's Garage?
David: Jocelyn gives you an honorary degree at her school?
Moira: Host the Met Ga-la at David's store?
David: I don't like that one.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Alexis, this better be good. I was in the middle of a pre-show bath, and with the baby around, I only get that kind of me-time maybe five or six nights a week, so...

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