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‘The Premiere’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: The Premiere

605. The Premiere

Aired February 4, 2020

Buoyed by a positive review of The Crows movie, Moira has Alexis arrange an impromptu premiere in Schitt's Creek. Meanwhile, Stevie reconsiders her decision to leave the motel, and David cares for Patrick after he has his wisdom teeth removed.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: I'm tired.
David: Oh, okay. Well, you know what, we should probably get you over to the bed.
Patrick: Okay. You know what I really wanna do with you?
David: Uh-huh. Ethically speaking, I don't think we can do that with you in this state.
Patrick: Have a baby.
David: 'Kay, we will make a baby as soon as you sober up.
Patrick: Oh no, not make a baby. Have a baby. Like I wanna have like a little baby with you. And we could just love it and hold it and bounce it.
David: Yeah, that's a... that's a big one-eighty.
Patrick: You would be such a good dad.
David: Have we met?
Patrick: I wish you were my dad.
David: Okay, now we're just spiraling off in all directions.

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Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Well, I'm still excited. It reminds me of that time that Renée Zellweger's brother came in here, and I got him to sign a menu. I mean, he spelled his name differently, but I swear it was him.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: Oh, it's too bad you won't be there tonight. It would've been nice to cheer you on.
Jocelyn: Yeah, and my plus-one, Janet from the Elmdale Chronicle, would've really loved a quote.
Moira: Well, you might want to tell your friend Janet that there just may be a bombshell attendee after all.
Twyla: [gasps] Yay! A premiere! Oh, I don't know if I have anything fancy enough to wear.
Moira: Oh, my default is always formal, but I'm sure no one will bat a side-eye at black-tie casual. Oh, but do pack eye-drops! The film's first third is densely packed with exposition, and you won't want to blink.
Jocelyn: Are you sure it's okay that we haven't seen the first two movies?
Moira: Oh, it's actually best. A lot of this film blatantly contradicts what's been established in the first two.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, it's just that I know that you don't wanna make a big deal about of this, so I can just tell them not to come.
Moira: I may have been wrong and you may have been not wrong. We can position this as a terrifying tale premiering in an equally spine-chilling town. If the ornithologist review is any barometer, Alexis, we m-m-m-m-m may just have a hit on our hands.
Alexis: Um, last week, you told me explicitly that this was not a premiere, and now it's too late.
Moira: Alexis, if you want to cut your teeth as a high-profile publicist, you'll need to get used to throwing things together in a crunch.
Alexis: I have four hours!
Moira: That's eons! When Demi decided on a Friday night at 6pm that she wanted to celebrate her 40th in Aspen, her publicist had us in parkas by 7. Sadly, Megan went into cardiac arrest on the flight, but she perished doing what she loved.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, I... should probably tell you that you don't necessarily have to trust all my instincts... all the time. Since you've been gone, I did have to bring on a third business partner, and I may as well tell you that it's...
Stevie: Roland. I know. He gave me his new business card.
Johnny: Never saw so many typos on a business card.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, I know that you don't want kids, and that's fine with me, okay? I was very high on anaesthetic.
David: Okay, it's just that earlier today, when we were in Stevie's car because your car's always in the shop, you had mentioned that you'd always pictured yourself having a kid.
Patrick: You've never pictured yourself doing something that didn't end up happening?
David: Of course. I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: David, I am happy with the life I've got. I'm happy with you. Things change.
David: Okay. You're a hundred percent sure you're not just saying you don't wanna have a kid, but, in actuality, you secretly do and are repressing that need... just for me?
Patrick: I don't wanna undermine the significance of this conversation, but I do wanna make it known that I was watching Bridget Jones's Baby right before I went under.
David: Okay, well that makes a little more sense then.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, I don't know, Moira, I'm no movie expert, but according to the early reviews, you may have a hit on your hands.
Moira: Reviews?
Twyla: Yeah. There was an article posted on the Crows account that you made us all follow. Come look!
Moira: Ornithology Today! Well, if anyone knows crows... "The Crows Have Eyes III is 'good fun.'" Well, that's hyperbolic. I mean, they already had "fun" [laughs] and now they've added "good."
Jocelyn: [laughs] Keep reading!
Moira: "The film showcases the emotional depth and intellectual capacity of our oft-maligned friend, the crow." We were resolute about not making an issues movie, but I'm glad they picked up on that.
Jocelyn: It mentions you, Moira.
Moira: It does? Where? My eyes are blurred. Oh, here it is. "Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake, is delightfully unhinged." Do you know what they call this, gals? An understated rave.

Quote from Moira

Moira: What is it, Alexis?!
Alexis: Oh my God, okay! So I thought because they're not throwing a premiere, we could plan a premiere screening here in town. Could be like a cute press angle.
Moira: Oh, sure, for a scrappy little novice, but not for someone who's cut many a crimson rug. What's next, I sign my name in the pavement outside Bob's Garage?
David: Jocelyn gives you an honorary degree at her school?
Moira: Host the Met Ga-la at David's store?
David: I don't like that one.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Alexis, this better be good. I was in the middle of a pre-show bath, and with the baby around, I only get that kind of me-time maybe five or six nights a week, so...

Quote from Moira

Alexis: No, I have like big plans for an immersive experience. Ronnie said that she can find a red carpet, and Roland has a guy who rents out live crows.
Moira: I think we should take the lead from Interflix. I cannot stop the masses from gathering to view the film, but best... best to avoid any fulsome in-decorum until we're assured a positive reaction.
David: Remember that "Waterworld II" premiere?
Moira: Exactly, David. Oh, the last place anyone wanted to be when those reviews came in was a glass-bottomed pirate ship in the middle of the ocean.

Quote from David

Patrick: Can you make me a lasagna, David?
David: [laughs] Imagine? No. I think we rest this little voice, 'cause you have been chatting ever since the dentist's office.
Patrick: Why are you so handsome?
David: I mean, unless you wanna keep talking. In which case, that works as well.
Patrick: How come your skin is like... perfect.
David: It's a nine-step regimen I do twice a day. It's not a big deal.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Shh! Listen, okay? Come here, come here. I got a secret.
David: I don't...
Patrick: Come on.
David: Mm...
Patrick: [whispering] David? I'm very hungry.
David: Okay, there's nothing I can do about that.
Patrick: Wait. Just lie down with me.
David: Okay.
Patrick: I wanna, I wanna hold you.
David: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: [sighs] Imagine us right now, but just with a little baby.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: Oh! What's this? Thank you. You didn't have to bring anything.
Johnny: Oh, just a little housewarming platter, since it's my first time here. Twyla whipped up some sandwiches. Hope you like mayo.
Stevie: Thank you.
Johnny: Wow, so this is, this is your place. I'm glad you didn't feel you needed to clean up on my account, you know? It shows just how comfortable a friendship we actually have.
Stevie: I did clean up.
Johnny: Right. That's... what I meant. You didn't feel the need to clean up, but I appreciate the fact that, uh, that you did.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: I thought you were gonna try to talk me into coming back.
Johnny: Oh, no, no. That wouldn't be fair. Wouldn't be fair to you. I'm not gonna stand in the way of you finding what makes you happy. And, and speaking of, I wanted to give you this.
Stevie: Oh, wow... I don't know what to say.
Johnny: Well, once you get past the haircut and the dated references, I'm sure you might find something useful in there to help you get your footing. You don't have to downplay your excitement on my account, Stevie. I'll be just fine.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Um, is that your gown? What is that for?
Moira: Oh, I thought I might throw it on for tonight.
Alexis: So you're going to the screening?
Moira: Yes. A simple "Thank you, Mother" might be a nice place to start.
Alexis: Also, I thought you returned that?
Moira: I did! Oh, I know I returned a dress. A glittering, backless thing. Stella McCartney, I think.
Alexis: That was mine. I've been looking for that.
Moira: Blame UPS.
Alexis: Ugh!

Quote from Roland

Ronnie: I assume this has something to do with all the calls we're getting from TV stations, asking where they can park their vans?
Alexis: Um, yeah. So the premiere may be getting like a little bit bigger than I had planned.
Ronnie: Oh, snap! It's a premiere now? 'Cause first you said it was, and then you said it was just a viewing party.
Roland: Yeah, and, and if it's a premiere, we're all in trouble, because my skinny jeans are in the wash.

Quote from Ronnie

Alexis: No, it is a premiere. Unfortunately, that decision was made like half an hour ago, so it would be really helpful if I could just tell you what I need.
Ronnie: Oh no, the red carpet that you told me not to order?
Alexis: Yes, but at this point, I will settle for any shade of red, and it doesn't have to be sixty feet.
Ronnie: Okay, good, 'cause all I've got is a 20-foot Merlot in my garage I ripped out after the church basement flooded.
Alexis: That sounds amazing.

Quote from Ronnie

Roland: And obviously you're coming to me for a little star power. I get it. It'd be good to have a name there tonight.
Alexis: No. No. You're the crow hook-up. I wanted to create like a headline-grabbing moment where I release a bunch of crows just before the movie starts.
Roland: Uh, excuse me, it's a little late notice.
Ronnie: What about the liquor license? 'Cause I assuming people are gonna wanna be drinking through this thing.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Ah! Boy, it's times like this I really miss having you around, Stevie.
Stevie: Well, um, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Mr. Rose. Um, you know how you told me to take some time and figure out what made me happy? Well, I think I have settled on something.
Johnny: Is it Larry Air? 'Cause they called me for a reference, and also asked if I had any interest in becoming a pilot.

Quote from David

Patrick: Morning, sunshine.
David: Mm. It's 5 pm. But good morning.
Patrick: I really don't remember how I got into this bed.
David: I do. You were... talking. A lot.
Patrick: Uh-oh. What was I saying?
David: Well, the conversation really ran the gamut. You complimented my flawless skin and called me the Jewish Channing Tatum, which all tracks. But then you told me you wanted us to have a baby.
Patrick: [laughs] What else did I say?
David: I put you to sleep after that.

Quote from David

Patrick: Um... Can you grab me those painkillers, please? I think I'm gonna need a few of them if we're still planning on making it to your mom's thing tonight.
David: Okay, that's actually a very good idea. I might take one myself. Apparently the first 15 minutes are very, very dense.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, break a leg, sweetheart. I'll be right here... 10 feet behind you.
Moira: No, John, tonight is special, and I'd like my hand-candy by my side.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: So the crows are ready. You just say a few words, and then give Carmine the signal.
Moira: Alexis, Mommy's home now. I'll take it from here. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to a North American screening of... the psychological thriller...
Alexis: Move it along.
Moira: "The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!" [crowd applauds] Let the crowening commence!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Please, everyone stay calm! Whatever you do, do not look them in the eye!
Alexis: Okay, you're making them angrier!
Moira: I'm not, Alexis! I know a bit of their language. CAW! CAW-CAW!
David: This is fucked.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, have you seen this yet? Some random news station just posted video of the premiere. It's been shared 32,000 times.
Moira: Well, all press is good press, right?
David: You might wanna watch it first.
Reporter: [on video] Tonight, a murder of wild crows attacked would-be audience members who had come to see a movie about a crow attack. We must warn you, the following content is pretty graphic.
Alexis: Okay, they weren't "wild" crows. They were supposed to be trained.
Moira: Trained! Some of them were painted seagulls. This is not good, Alexis!

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: It sorta looks like people are running away from your movie, Moira.
Moira: You! Look what you have done!
Alexis: Look what I've done? This was your idea, and now I have to pay Ronnie for damage to her carpet!
David: What were the crows even doing there in the first place?
Alexis: It's called an immersive experience, David!
David: Immersed in lawsuits maybe.
Moira: Alexis, make it stop!


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