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32Quotes from ‘Carl's Funeral’

Schitt's Creek: Carl's Funeral

109. Carl's Funeral

Aired March 3, 2015

Johnny doesn't know what to do when Bob asks him to speak at his brother's funeral. Meanwhile, Alexis stays at Ted's place while David and Stevie try to avoid the scraggy motel guests.

Quote from Roland

Jocelyn: Moira! Your "Danny Boy". What a voice.
Moira: Oh, thank you.
Roland: Yeah. I'd really like you to sing at my cousin's funeral. She's not dead, but she's been coughing a lot lately.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Hey, Bob. How are you holding up?
Bob: Oh, you know. Not bad.
Twyla: You know, they say death is just life except you're not here. You're somewhere else, you know? But- But that's okay because at least you're somewhere, you know? But when does- When does somewhere become there? And when does there become here? And I- It-
Bob: Just, just a coffee, please.
Twyla: For here?
Bob: Yeah.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: What do you say about guy you couldn't care less about?
Moira: Oh, it's Gord what's-his-name's funeral all over again.
Johnny: Who's Gord what's-his-name?
Moira: Exactly. He was some kind of crew-person on Sunrise Bay. I made an obligatory appearance at the service and his hysterical girlfriend cornered me into saying a few words. I didn't have a thought in my head, so I just stood up and sang "Danny Boy." Not a dry eye in the house.

Quote from Bob

Johnny: Bob, in case I wanna mention this in my remarks, how-how did Carl go?
Bob: Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really. Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan and apparently it It got knotted around his neck.
Johnny: What?
Bob: Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing would've come down, you know, keeping a fan and a body spinning up there for two days. But, uh, Carl found the studs on that one.
Johnny: Oh, yeah.
Bob: That's craftsmanship.
Johnny: Oh, yeah.
Bob: But that, uh, that was Carl.

Quote from David

David: Have you seen the couple that checked in? They're, like, really scummy. Like very skaggy people, who happened to produce a child that hasn't been taken away from them yet.
Stevie: Imagine being related to them.
David: No, I can't. It's too early.
Stevie: They're my cousins.
David: Oh! Well, the, um, the baby's relatively normal looking.
Stevie: No, no they're definitely skaggy.
David: My God, they're so skaggy.

Quote from Johnny

Minister: Now, to say a few words, I'd like to bring up a close friend and one of Carl's personal heroes Johnny Rose.
Johnny: [baby crying] Thank you, minister. Carl. What to say about Carl ? Once so full of life and now lying very, very close to me. What a terrible thing death is. And yet, for Carl, pretty much an all-consuming thing at this point. He-He was a- He was a man who loved a good sweater I'm told. And- And he loved the feel of big tool in his hand, am I right, Bob? And I wonder, when Carl was spinning around on that ceiling fan that he was so very proud of, was he ever thinking of this town where he was born where he lived, and where he died. Where he died. But I- I- I'm not up here today to speak about dying in Schitt's Creek. [cell phone interrupts] I'm- I'm here- I'm-
Bree: [on the phone] Where the hell are you, Sean?! At a bar?! If anyone should be in a bar right now, it's me. Sean! Excuse me.
Johnny: Well, I- I am here to talk about dying in Schitt's Creek! I'm here to talk about the misery of our lives here and how we might never escape this place. And how we do not wanna end up in a coffin, like Carl, here in this godforsaken-
[Moira begins to sing Danny Boy]

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Honey? You know, my back.
Moira: What?
Johnny: The thing with my back.
Moira: Your back! Oh, it's- It's terrible. And his arms are so weak. Little muscles like corn nuts.
Johnny: Yeah. Yeah, we're just talking about my back, sweetheart.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Is everything okay?
Jocelyn: We've got some sad news.
Roland: Uh, someone very close has died.
Moira: Sorry.
Jocelyn: You remember Bob?
Moira: No.
Roland: You broke into his cabin and had sex while he and his wife were in the next room.
Moira: Oh, that's Bob.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Yeah, Bob, who was on the town council. He's on the town council, yeah. Oh, Bob died?
Roland: No. No, not Bob. Bob's brother, Carl, died.
Johnny: I don't know Carl.
Moira: We barely know Bob.

Quote from Alexis

David: What are you doing?
Alexis: Um, I'm gonna go stay at Ted's because I've been on enough spring breaks to know how this is gonna end, and it's not not good.
David: You're just gonna leave me here with these people?!
Alexis: Yeah. Like, I don't feel good about it.
David: Um, hello! Hello! Is anybody in that hollow chest?

Quote from Stevie

David: Wait, so you're related to Carl?
Stevie: Not genetically. My mom's sister was married to Carl. Carl is Sean's step-dad.
David: And was that a factor in the cause of death?
Stevie: I wouldn't be surprised. They broke up just before Sean got Bree pregnant. Or someone got Bree pregnant. I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy when it comes to introducing men to her vagina.
David: Mm. Charming.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Tell me it's not always this clean in here.
Ted: No, it's- It's always this clean.
Alexis: Oh, it smells so fresh.
Ted: Uh, that's the Febreeze. I was I was eating Indian last night, so...

Quote from Moira

Bob: Johnny.
Johnny: Hello, Bob.
Bob: Moira, so good of you to come.
Moira: John said we had no choice.

Quote from Stevie

David: Do you even know what that stain is or...?
Stevie: Uh, I'm worried if I did, I wouldn't clean it up.
David: Why are you cleaning it up?
Stevie: Sadly, um, I threw most of the broken glass you see here.
David: You were a bit of a mess last night.
Stevie: They told you?
David: Oh, no, no. We had a full-blown conversation. You were barely clinging to consciousness.
Stevie: Oh. Sorry. Did I try and make out with you?
David: Mm-mm.
Stevie: Good. But now I'm worried I made out with someone else. Uh, it's kind of my go-to when I'm a little boozy.
David: Mm. Mine's shame eating, so yours sounds more fun.

Quote from Ted

Ted: So, I'm sorry if, earlier, I wasn't sensitive to your animal issues. And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.
Alexis: Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that there'd be slutty little animals running around.
Ted: And I only take in the slutty ones, so...

Quote from Ted

Ted: So, to get you more comfortable around animals-
Alexis: Not a puppy, Ted.
Ted: No, that would be cruel to the puppy. No, I got you this.
Alexis: "Opening your heart to animals: A guide to the benefits of caring for something other than yourself." It's a very specific book.
Ted: You might wanna check out page 37.
Alexis: Is it a credit card?
Ted: No. It's a room key. To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale, and they have a very strict no pets allowed policy.
Alexis: Well, it just so happens that I have packed my overnight bag.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: So I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, God, what if die here?"
Moira: Mm. That was not lost on anyone. Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches and make a gracious French exit.
Johnny: Good idea.

Quote from Moira

Bob: Moira, before they close the coffin, one more chorus for Carl? Please?
Johnny: Take your time, honey. [eats cake]
Moira: Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh... Oh Danny.... Boy... The pipes, the pipes are... Call-all-all-ling

Quote from Johnny

Jocelyn: Carl thought so highly of you, Johnny.
Johnny: Oh really. Well, that's nice. No, I honestly don't know the man.
Roland: Well, understandably, Bob is, uh, pretty broken up by all of this and he asked me to ask you if you'd be willing to, um, be a pallbearer at Carl's funeral.
Johnny: A pallbearer? At Carl's funeral. Well, I don't, um I, you know, I- I'm flattered. It's- It's quite an honour to be-
Jocelyn: I knew he would say yes.
Johnny: Yeah. And- And normally I would I would. I-I-I, you know, but my back. I have, uh I- I- I have back issues.

Quote from Johnny

Jocelyn: I don't know what we're gonna tell Bob. He's gonna be so disappointed.
Johnny: Yeah, yeah. Well, life can kick you in the teeth sometimes.
Roland: Mm. Well, that's not gonna help Bob out too much there, Johnny.
Johnny: Mm. Yeah. Shouldn't bother Carl.

Quote from Johnny

Bob: Roland, he told me about your back and I- I am so sorry.
Johnny: Well, well, I'm the one who's sorry, Bob. You know, hearing about your, uh, brother C-C-Chris-
Bob: Carl.
Johnny: Carl. Yeah, he was a good man. A good man.
Bob: He admired you, Johnny.
Johnny: And I him. Yeah. And I him.

Quote from Johnny

Bob: Listen, uh, I understand about your back. And I was just, uh- Just wondering if, uh, maybe you could say a few words at the funeral?
Johnny: Well, the thing, uh, the thing is, uh, Bob, I-I-I don't feel I deserve that honour.
Bob: Oh, see, I'm, uh, I'm no good at these things. You know, you, you're- You're polished. You know, you're- You're well-spoken.
Johnny: Oh, no. No, no. Not really. Not really. I mean, I'm good one on one, but not- Not good in a public situation. I clam up pret-pretty good.
Bob: As a favor, Johnny.
Johnny: He must have had a few close friends, somebody that-
Bob: No one.
Johnny: Well, sure. Sure. I can say a few words, Bob. I'll say a few words.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, Macy and Fifer are just staying with me for a couple of weeks until they get back on their feet. Isn't that right, Fifey? Yeah, your worms are almost all gone, aren't they? Yeah.
Alexis: Is that a diaper on that little cutie?
Ted: Yup.

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, you're speaking at the funeral?
Johnny: The man was weeping. What was I supposed to do?
Moira: You take his hands in yours, you look him in the eye, and say, "no."

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: God, I love this bed. I'm so glad you're not my brother.
Ted: Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty glad about that too. But let me assure you, tonight it is just you and me.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Okay, the the big one is sniffing the diaper. Does does that mean it's full?
Ted: Okay.
Alexis: What is...?
Ted: Okay, you guys, just give us a little bit of time here and then you can come sleep with us, okay? Okay? Okay, where were we? [Dogs bark]

Quote from David

David: Oh, my God!
Stevie: I am so sorry. They got me... They got me wasted.
David: Mm-hmm.
Stevie: I hate them, okay? I hate them so much.
David: You smell very flammable right now.

Quote from Stevie

David: Um, is this your thong or...?
Stevie: Yeah, no. Bree's a real classy girl. Uh, his was wrapped around the remote. Don't worry, I threw out the remote.

Quote from Stevie

David: Hmm. Well, it looks like they have a side hustle.
Stevie: Uh, I'm pretty sure she strips. Why?
David: Oh no, this is just a lot of um...
Stevie: Yes, it is.
David: Marijuana.
Stevie: And if you're offering, my answer is yes.

Quote from Bob

Minister: Thank you for that, Shannon. Nothing says we'll miss you like an excerpt from "Breaking Dawn," one of Carl's favourites of the Twilight movies.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [singing] Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling [all join] From Glen to Glen And down the Mountain side but God...

Quote from David

David: You know where I got my hat, brah?
Stevie: Where?
David: "Assholes' R 'Us". [both laugh]


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