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40Quotes from ‘Moira vs. Town Council’

Schitt's Creek: Moira vs. Town Council

206. Moira vs. Town Council

Aired February 9, 2016

Moira is determined to beautify the town, so she takes her case to the town council. Meanwhile, David starts spending on his work's credit card believing the purchases will write-offs, and Alexis feels she and Mutt are growing apart.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, word to the wise, son, don't spend all your money at once.
David: I thought you weren't getting involved.
Johnny: No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.
David: Okay, what does "word to the wise" even mean?
Johnny: Word to the wise. When you're speaking to somebody wise, you lis- You're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just... Just, uh, keep that in mind, and, um, keep up the good work.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Hey, look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines.
David: What?
Johnny: Two men, back from the mines.
David: What mines? What's that mean?
Johnny: It's a figure of speech.
David: Um, I don't get that.
Johnny: The salt mines! Back from when people mined.
David: Uh huh.
Johnny: When miners worked in the, salt industry, they'd come home, after digging salt. I don't know what it means!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, John. John, do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that Amfar dinner?
Johnny: I dunno.
Moira: "You are the life you accept for yourself." Those are Goldie's words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case, it has always stayed with me. John, I will not accept this life. And neither should you!

Quote from David

Wendy: Now the candles, are they something that we would sell at a blouse store?
David: No, those are just decorative. Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex's credit, "Curve Pour Hommes" hasn't been the look since '97.

Quote from Alexis

Mutt: Okay, what would we have talked about? It's my face.
Alexis: Um, you'd have said, uh, "Wow, Alexis, I'm thinking about shaving my beard." And then I would've said, "Hmm. No, Mutt, I don't think that that's the right journey for you at this point in time."
Mutt: Well, then I would've said, "Too bad." I shave like, every six months. Okay, you try growing a beard!
Alexis: I was a beard for a very well known actor, and I get it, it's uncomfortable.

Quote from David

Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?
David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
Johnny: That's a write off?
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Do you even know what a write off is?!
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh, and who pays for it?
David: Nobody, you write it off.
Johnny: Who writes it off?!
David: I don't know, the govern- The "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?

Quote from Ray

Moira: I'm hoping to take my complaint to council, and I've been told you'd be the easiest one to crack.
Ray: Too kind. And I'd be happy to help.
Moira: Excellent!
Ray: But unfortunately, I'm no longer on the town council. I resigned a few weeks ago, too overwhelmed with my businesses. But, uh, you're more than welcome to take it to council yourself, with my endorsement. Which won't really help, since I resigned. Um, and council wasn't too happy about it. I'm surprised you didn't hear, I talked about it extensively on my podcast.
Moira: I don't know how I missed that.

Quote from Moira

Ronnie: Hey, you really put Roland on the spot there.
Moira: I was simply exercising a basic human right.
Ronnie: Yeah, and I don't disagree with you.
Moira: I've always known you were on my side.
Ronnie: I wouldn't go that far. But I will say this, usually these council decisions, they take weeks.
Moira: Oh, I won't wait for anyone's decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an "Artists Against Eczema" benefit within the hour.

Quote from Moira

Ronnie: Eczema benefit?
Moira: Yes, you try enjoying a puff pastry with everyone around you scratching.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: David, if you're going out again, can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-you-it stretches, and then, and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That-that whole thing just fell off the roller!
David: Wow, um, Dad, you remember Stevie.
Johnny: Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Look at the state of this place, it's like we're in a Mumbai-an slum. A year ago we had a staff of twenty-five working the grounds of our home, and now we walk by a mattress on the side of the road, without thinking twice about it.
Johnny: Well, the good news is that mattress is covering up the cracked toilet seat.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I mean, would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?!
Johnny: I have a feeling if you want peonies, Moira, you're gonna have to plant them yourself.
Moira: [chuckles sarcastically, cackles wildly] These are dark times, John, but not that dark.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I have taken a moment out of my busy schedule, because this poor town is sliding into disarray. There is a filthy mattress just lying on the side of the road a few blocks from here.
Ray: Oh no, that's Dick Sinson's mattress, he's giving it away.
Moira: Ray, I have always seen you as a sensitive, cultured, man of the world. You have that striking accent.
Ray: Thank you.
Moira: And I'm sure your family wanted more for you when they immigrated from...
Ray: Winnipeg.
Moira: Winnipeg.

Quote from Alexis

Mutt: Wake up sleepy head, nap time's over.
Alexis: [screams] Honestly, honestly, I have no money, and an empty purse from two seasons ago!

Quote from Bob

Moira: No need, I'm prepared to speak now.
Bob: Well, that just doesn't work, I mean, we have a list, uh...
Roland: Bob, just concentrate on the minutes, okay? I can tell right now you're behind.
Bob: Okay, typing is not my strong suit. Ray could type without looking at the keys.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: What's this? Looks expensive.
David: Oh, this is some new bedding.
Johnny: David, didn't I just tell you to save your money?
David: Uh, yeah. I am testing this out for the store, so work is paying for it.
Johnny: Work is paying for your bedding?
Stevie: I was gonna leave, but now I don't want to.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!
David: Okay, okay. I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?
Johnny: That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off!
David: Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so.
Johnny: David, a write off is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income!
David: Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?"
Johnny: It is! It is! You can't just buy things for yourself, and write them off!
David: Well then, I'll return some things. There's not enough space in here for the massage chair, anyway.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I am here to address an issue that I believe pertains to all of us, self-respect. [Ronnie snickers]
Roland: I don't think we can help you in that department.
Moira: I'm speaking about what we have allowed to happen to this town. Everyone leaving their old things here and there, like some city-wide garage sale! I deserve better! We deserve better. A baby born in a prison cell does not know that a toilet should not be in the same room as its bed, but we do.
Ronnie: I didn't know you'd been in prison.
Moira: What? No, I'm illustrating a point. Okay, picture all of you living in a cave, having never seen the outside world. And then I show up. [off Bob's confusion] No, this is not what I'm trying to say.
Ronnie: What are you trying to say?
Moira: That we should strive for something that sets us apart from the prison baby. Greenery! We need greenery! Flowers, Boxwood trees! Two sets each for the cafe, and the motel. And then a citywide clean up, and I will not take no for an answer.

Quote from Alexis

David: Um what happened?
Alexis: I don't know, like, we were talking, and then we just Like, didn't talk for a long time.
David: Okay. And that's it?
Alexis: No, and then we talked about why we weren't talking. And then we both agreed that even though the sex was amazing-
David: Mmm-hmm.
Alexis: Like, amazing! There was this time in the barn where I climbed up onto this rafter-
David: But yeah, no, I think- I think we're good.

Quote from Mutt

Alexis: I love how we can just be silent with each other.
Mutt: Yeah.
Alexis: I mean, I definitely feel like we used to talk more at the beginning, but, um, it's good that we don't have to do that anymore. Because now we can just express how we feel through silence. [Mutt laughs] What?
Mutt: Nothing.
Alexis: What?
Mutt: It's just, you're talking about how nice it is not to talk, but you're still, talking about it.
Alexis: I mean, yeah, I'm not a mute!
Mutt: Well, that is an understatement.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Are we having some non-fight fight or something? Because all I'm saying is that it's nice to not talk, but apparently I'm not allowed to say that?!
Mutt: No fight. It's not a fight. All I am saying is that you know, you need to talk about everything, and I don't.
Alexis: I don't need to talk about everything, I'm just saying that, if I stopped talking, then who knows when we're gonna start talking again. You know? [long silence]

Quote from David

Wendy: Are those my mannequins?
David: Yeah.
Wendy: Well, where are they going?!
David: Oh, I sold them on eBay.
Wendy: Well, what do you mean?
David: But don't worry, I'm using the money to buy other mannequins, ones that are a little less, um...
Wendy: Fun?
David: Porn-y.

Quote from David

Wendy: Well, the look and the smell here's very "woody", very funky. Now, David, you don't have to sell all my things off. You can use the company credit card.
David: Yeah, I used that, too.
Wendy: Oh. Well then, save all the receipts, because anything you buy for the store is a write off. The candles, and the jewellery stands...
David: No jewellery stands.
Wendy: No jewellery?
David: Noooo!
Wendy: No, David. Jewellery stands?

Quote from Johnny

David: You know I just got back from a four-hour shift that mostly consisted of me sampling luxury candles so...
Johnny: Well, that's- That's a tough day.
David: Hmm.
Johnny: Why don't you grab yourself a cold one? You've earned it. Working man.
David: Thank you. There's nothing in here.
Johnny: Really?
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Oh, I must've taken the last one.
David: Okay.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: You know, for what it's worth, son, I just wanted to tell you, uh, how proud of you I am.
David: Thank you.
Johnny: I mean, you got this job all on your own, nobody had to make a call, nobody got involved, nobody had to pay somebody off.
David: What?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: But your beard is like, my favourite thing about you!
Mutt: My beard is your favourite thing about me?
Alexis: I said one of my favourite things.
Mutt: No, no, no, no. You said, "favourite thing!"
Alexis: I just woke up, and you have a different face. So there's just a lot going on right now!
Mutt: Yeah, tell me about it, I just found out that my girlfriend's favourite thing about me is the hair that grows out of my face!

Quote from Roland

Jennifer: Thank you for installing the ramp at the Post Office, but it's a little steep. I've tried it twice, and both times, I've been sort of shot back into traffic.
Roland: Yeah, but see the thing with a ramp is, it's kind of a momentum thing, you really gotta you know, give it a...

Quote from Ronnie

Moira: Attention please, council! I have a concern.
Ronnie: I was just hoping to be interrupted by a concerned citizen. Would you like to be added to the agenda, Moira?

Quote from Moira

Moira: This will take but a moment. I can't imagine you have anything more pressing this afternoon.
Ronnie: Well, actually, Jennifer had the floor.
Moira: Hello. You could've spoken up. Excuse me.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: So if I need booze to get through my day, I can just write that off?
David: That's a stretch.
Stevie: But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off?

Quote from Bob

Roland: [to Moira] Yeah well, I was actually just gonna suggest that. Before you suggested it. Thank you.
Bob: [to Moira] So there was just one baby in prison, or there were more?

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Did you lose weight?
Mutt: I shaved my beard.
Twyla: Oh, I like it. You look younger.
Mutt: Thank you, Twyla. That means a lot.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: So, what can I get you guys?
Alexis: Um, what's the cake today?
Twyla: I'm sorry, did you just ask for cake? I'm not used to you ordering solid food.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Be careful on those stairs! Hey, next order of business, we install a ramp here.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: You're a pain in the ass, but you get stuff done.
Moira: A delightful compliment.
Ronnie: Hmm, but those boxwood trees?
Moira: Oh yes, two sets, and if you know a good ceramicist...
Ronnie: I would lower your expectations. You're lucky if you get some daisies in a planter. But good work.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Yeah, anyway, we both agreed that we'd just been lusting after each other for such a long time that that's what we were holding onto, and not what was right in front of us.
David: Which was what?
Alexis: What?
David: What was right in front of you?
Alexis: When? [David shakes his head] Okay. Okay. So anyway, it's done. And it's just really weird, because I've never felt anything after a break up.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Alexis: Like, nothing. Like, I've been to doctors about it.

Quote from David

Alexis: David, will you please give me a hug?
David: Oh, okay, yes, yeah.
Alexis: Did you get new bedding?
David: Um, yeah, I did. But it's a write off, so I don't...

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Your mother has done something we can all be proud of.
David: Oh, did you pick up that random condom that was on the grass there?
Alexis: Ew. Yeah, whose was that?
David: I have no idea.
Johnny: No, that's not it. Not it.
Moira: They'll never see it. Throw it on the long list of things I've done for my children they don't appreciate.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Your mother had these boxwoods put in.
David: Weren't those here before?
Moira: No. There was literally nothing here. It was a wasteland.
Alexis: Weren't there more plants here before?
Moira: No, there weren't! And there are more around town.
Johnny: Thanks to your mother.

Quote from Alexis

David: Are we good with the plants, or?
Alexis: Can we go?
David: Yeah. Yeah, we're good.
Alexis: Okay. Oh, there's the condom right there, David.
David: Ew!
Alexis: Eww!


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