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40Quotes from ‘Moira vs. Town Council’

Schitt's Creek: Moira vs. Town Council

206. Moira vs. Town Council

Aired February 9, 2016

Moira is determined to beautify the town, so she takes her case to the town council. Meanwhile, David starts spending on his work's credit card believing the purchases will write-offs, and Alexis feels she and Mutt are growing apart.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, word to the wise, son, don't spend all your money at once.
David: I thought you weren't getting involved.
Johnny: No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.
David: Okay, what does "word to the wise" even mean?
Johnny: Word to the wise. When you're speaking to somebody wise, you lis- You're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just... Just, uh, keep that in mind, and, um, keep up the good work.

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Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Hey, look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines.
David: What?
Johnny: Two men, back from the mines.
David: What mines? What's that mean?
Johnny: It's a figure of speech.
David: Um, I don't get that.
Johnny: The salt mines! Back from when people mined.
David: Uh huh.
Johnny: When miners worked in the, salt industry, they'd come home, after digging salt. I don't know what it means!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, John. John, do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that Amfar dinner?
Johnny: I dunno.
Moira: "You are the life you accept for yourself." Those are Goldie's words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case, it has always stayed with me. John, I will not accept this life. And neither should you!

Quote from David

Wendy: Now the candles, are they something that we would sell at a blouse store?
David: No, those are just decorative. Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex's credit, "Curve Pour Hommes" hasn't been the look since '97.

Quote from Alexis

Mutt: Okay, what would we have talked about? It's my face.
Alexis: Um, you'd have said, uh, "Wow, Alexis, I'm thinking about shaving my beard." And then I would've said, "Hmm. No, Mutt, I don't think that that's the right journey for you at this point in time."
Mutt: Well, then I would've said, "Too bad." I shave like, every six months. Okay, you try growing a beard!
Alexis: I was a beard for a very well known actor, and I get it, it's uncomfortable.

Quote from David

Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?
David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.
Johnny: That's a write off?
David: Yeah.
Johnny: Do you even know what a write off is?!
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh, and who pays for it?
David: Nobody, you write it off.
Johnny: Who writes it off?!
David: I don't know, the govern- The "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?

Quote from Ray

Moira: I'm hoping to take my complaint to council, and I've been told you'd be the easiest one to crack.
Ray: Too kind. And I'd be happy to help.
Moira: Excellent!
Ray: But unfortunately, I'm no longer on the town council. I resigned a few weeks ago, too overwhelmed with my businesses. But, uh, you're more than welcome to take it to council yourself, with my endorsement. Which won't really help, since I resigned. Um, and council wasn't too happy about it. I'm surprised you didn't hear, I talked about it extensively on my podcast.
Moira: I don't know how I missed that.

Quote from Moira

Ronnie: Hey, you really put Roland on the spot there.
Moira: I was simply exercising a basic human right.
Ronnie: Yeah, and I don't disagree with you.
Moira: I've always known you were on my side.
Ronnie: I wouldn't go that far. But I will say this, usually these council decisions, they take weeks.
Moira: Oh, I won't wait for anyone's decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an "Artists Against Eczema" benefit within the hour.

Quote from Moira

Ronnie: Eczema benefit?
Moira: Yes, you try enjoying a puff pastry with everyone around you scratching.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: David, if you're going out again, can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-you-it stretches, and then, and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That-that whole thing just fell off the roller!
David: Wow, um, Dad, you remember Stevie.
Johnny: Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Look at the state of this place, it's like we're in a Mumbai-an slum. A year ago we had a staff of twenty-five working the grounds of our home, and now we walk by a mattress on the side of the road, without thinking twice about it.
Johnny: Well, the good news is that mattress is covering up the cracked toilet seat.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I mean, would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?!
Johnny: I have a feeling if you want peonies, Moira, you're gonna have to plant them yourself.
Moira: [chuckles sarcastically, cackles wildly] These are dark times, John, but not that dark.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I have taken a moment out of my busy schedule, because this poor town is sliding into disarray. There is a filthy mattress just lying on the side of the road a few blocks from here.
Ray: Oh no, that's Dick Sinson's mattress, he's giving it away.
Moira: Ray, I have always seen you as a sensitive, cultured, man of the world. You have that striking accent.
Ray: Thank you.
Moira: And I'm sure your family wanted more for you when they immigrated from...
Ray: Winnipeg.
Moira: Winnipeg.

Quote from Alexis

Mutt: Wake up sleepy head, nap time's over.
Alexis: [screams] Honestly, honestly, I have no money, and an empty purse from two seasons ago!

Quote from Bob

Moira: No need, I'm prepared to speak now.
Bob: Well, that just doesn't work, I mean, we have a list, uh...
Roland: Bob, just concentrate on the minutes, okay? I can tell right now you're behind.
Bob: Okay, typing is not my strong suit. Ray could type without looking at the keys.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: What's this? Looks expensive.
David: Oh, this is some new bedding.
Johnny: David, didn't I just tell you to save your money?
David: Uh, yeah. I am testing this out for the store, so work is paying for it.
Johnny: Work is paying for your bedding?
Stevie: I was gonna leave, but now I don't want to.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!
David: Okay, okay. I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?
Johnny: That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off!
David: Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so.
Johnny: David, a write off is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income!
David: Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?"
Johnny: It is! It is! You can't just buy things for yourself, and write them off!
David: Well then, I'll return some things. There's not enough space in here for the massage chair, anyway.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I am here to address an issue that I believe pertains to all of us, self-respect. [Ronnie snickers]
Roland: I don't think we can help you in that department.
Moira: I'm speaking about what we have allowed to happen to this town. Everyone leaving their old things here and there, like some city-wide garage sale! I deserve better! We deserve better. A baby born in a prison cell does not know that a toilet should not be in the same room as its bed, but we do.
Ronnie: I didn't know you'd been in prison.
Moira: What? No, I'm illustrating a point. Okay, picture all of you living in a cave, having never seen the outside world. And then I show up. [off Bob's confusion] No, this is not what I'm trying to say.
Ronnie: What are you trying to say?
Moira: That we should strive for something that sets us apart from the prison baby. Greenery! We need greenery! Flowers, Boxwood trees! Two sets each for the cafe, and the motel. And then a citywide clean up, and I will not take no for an answer.

Quote from Alexis

David: Um what happened?
Alexis: I don't know, like, we were talking, and then we just Like, didn't talk for a long time.
David: Okay. And that's it?
Alexis: No, and then we talked about why we weren't talking. And then we both agreed that even though the sex was amazing-
David: Mmm-hmm.
Alexis: Like, amazing! There was this time in the barn where I climbed up onto this rafter-
David: But yeah, no, I think- I think we're good.


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