Alexis: Oh my God, David, look at this one. It overlooks a park. I would have my own bathroom. And oh my God, your bedroom would have one of those little beds that comes down from the wall.
David: Okay, we're two people. We would get the master bedroom.
Alexis: But I have a lot of coats.

Alexis: Twy, you might be the best person I know, but as someone who has had a lot of money and then not had it and now is like still pretty poor, but somewhat okay? Every now and again, spending like a little bit of money on something really special, it might not buy you happiness, but... it can definitely help make you smile.
Twyla: This cute dress makes me smile.
Alexis: Hm. Not quite sure how that one got in there. But anything else in there is yours if you want it.

David: What is that?
Alexis: Thank you, David. You look very expensive and gorgeous too.
David: It's-it's white. You're wearing a white dress.
Alexis: Duh. It's black and white themed. What was I supposed to show up in pink?
David: Or black! You're wearing a wedding dress to my wedding!
Alexis: This is not a wedding dress. It's a white, floor-length gown. It's very different.
David: Did it come with a veil?
Alexis: No. It came with a headdress.
David: A what?
Alexis: It came with like a white, tulle, headdress, but I thought it overwhelmed the dress so I decided not to wear it.
David: You're walking me down the aisle in a wedding dress. Everyone is gonna think we're getting married to each other. Ugh!

David: This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right?
Alexis: I don't know, David, maybe he did.

David: Hi. What, uh, um... are those... sweatpants?
Alexis: Yeah, I started getting dressed for work and I got distracted.
David: What could have possibly distracted you enough to do that to yourself?
Alexis: [emotional] It died, David.
David: Okay, if you're talking about your style, we can bring it back to life.
Alexis: Ted gave this to me. It's like the one thing left of our relationship and it's gone.
David: 'Kay, I would argue that you still have your memories.
Alexis: This weird little desert daisy thing...
David: It's a succulent.
Alexis: Literally not supposed to die, and yet it did. Like, what does that say about me?
David: I think that's a longer conversation.

Johnny: We can't afford the candles. They're $2.49.
Alexis: They don't just come with the cake?
Johnny: No, apparently not.
Alexis: Like matches when you buy cigarettes?
Johnny: You smoke?
Alexis: Um... no.

Ted: Sweetie, there will be other conferences. I really think that you need to be here for this.
David: Me too.
Alexis: David, you and mom literally ruin my life.

Alexis: Okay, well, this is sort of my thing, though.
David: I really don't think you can claim education as your thing, and I don't even think I'll be able to take those courses, because the stupid people at the college wouldn't just take my word for it when I told them that I had a high school diploma.
Alexis: But why do you need it, though?
David: To prove that I graduated high school.
Alexis: Well, it's not like they're gonna be like, "Oh, you don't have your high school diploma, you can't come to our college."
David: That's almost word for word what they just said to me on the phone.

Alexis: Oh, and also, he gave me a diamond tennis bracelet for my Sweet 16.
Stevie: That's bad?
Alexis: I know.

Alexis: Okay. Listen, you might wanna think about spicing up your approach a little bit.
Ted: The bottom line is that I did not go to med school just to exploit innocent puppies as a cover for my extreme vanity!
Alexis: But people love extreme vanity! And they love puppies, so you have to give them at least one of the two.