Alexis: So, that guy from the other night. He's not for me, right?
David: What guy?
Alexis: That beardy guy that I kissed at the party. He's gross, right? Like, that's not a thing for me. There wasn't, like, a spark or anything.
David: You mean the hitchhiker that was burning meat over a garbage can?
Alexis: Yeah, that one.

Mutt: Sorry. I had some stuff I had to take care of.
Alexis: And did you get your stuff taken care of?
Mutt: Yeah, I guess.
Alexis: 'Cause it It seems to me like you get your stuff taken care of pretty regularly. By multiple people, if you know what I mean.
Mutt: I don't.
Alexis: Look, I know you probably think that you're this handsome man around town who's like... Handsome, mysterious... And handsome and homeless-y, but you're better than that, you know?

Alexis: Yeah, anyway, we both agreed that we'd just been lusting after each other for such a long time that that's what we were holding onto, and not what was right in front of us.
David: Which was what?
Alexis: What?
David: What was right in front of you?
Alexis: When? [David shakes his head] Okay. Okay. So anyway, it's done. And it's just really weird, because I've never felt anything after a break up.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Alexis: Like, nothing. Like, I've been to doctors about it.

Ted: I'm not being weird about it. You're entitled to keep things private from me.
Alexis: Okay, fine. I know that they are for the animals, but I find that when I get tired, just one or two kind of help me focus.
Ted: What are you talking about?!
Alexis: Anyway, um, secret or no weird secret, we've gotta cover that thing up. I hope you're not into contouring, 'cause it's not really my thing.

Alexis: Jocelyn failed my economics paper.
Johnny: What?! You worked so hard on that.
Alexis: Yeah, which is why it was super upsetting when she said it wasn't good.
Johnny: She what?
Alexis: Yeah, she said it was bad. No, sorry, um "poorly written, and under-researched."
Johnny: Well, that's just not true. Well, you have to go back and tell Jocelyn that information was founded on practical experience in the field.
Alexis: It should've been founded on my research.

Johnny: Now, Ted. Is he being supportive?
Alexis: I haven't even told Ted.
Johnny: Oh.
Alexis: I just wanna do one thing on my own!
Johnny: And you're sure this is the right one thing to pick?
Alexis: Okay, please don't stress me out about this! This is supposed to be fun!
Johnny: And it will be fun, honey, it will be, in time. You know, it will also be a lot of work.
Alexis: I know that!
Johnny: And not to mention, a lot of money.
Alexis: Why do you think I've been saving up my money from the vet's office?
Johnny: How long have you known about this?
Alexis: Oh, my God, you are being so extra right now!

Alexis: Thank you so much for taking me out, David. I really needed it. Especially after everything that's going on with Mom.
David: Okay, is that the reason, or is it because I'm on a buying trip, and that means you get free samples?
Alexis: We make a very good team, David. You do the talking, and I sample the merchandise. And speaking of, we might have to circle back and get more of these peanut butter things from those old farm witches.
David: They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down, we're about to spend the afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.
Alexis: Hmm. Nom nom for us, David.
David: Never say nom nom again.

Alexis: Okay, well I just wanted to say hey, and I'm here, and I got your text.
Ted: What text?
Alexis: The text.
Ted: Did I send a text?
Alexis: Maybe no? Maybe you didn't. Did you? I'm not sure.
Ted: What, uh, what'd it say?
Alexis: Nothing. I don't think it said anything, now that I think about it. Um, no, something about you being more of a bagel guy.
Ted: Oh, my God, did I send that to you?
Alexis: No, I don't think so.
Ted: Oh my gosh, I did.
Alexis: Did you, though?
Ted: I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to be sent to you.
Alexis: Hello dummy, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to tell you to be careful because with those texts, those texts in the wrong hands...
Ted: Yeah, it was actually meant for Heather.
Alexis: Heather, yes. Yes. You and Heath and the bagels.

Klair: Oh my god! I almost totally forgot! I have a job for you.
Alexis: Are you serious?
Klair: Yeah. I just like, I can't talk about it around Albany, because she needs to get fired first, so basically the job is yours, if you want it. It's a junior PR position, but you could totally climb the ladder. Look, take your time, just let me know by tomorrow.
Alexis: By tomorrow?
Klair: Hmm, yeah, we're gonna get a super early start, so make sure you find me before 2 pm.
Alexis: Oh wow, okay. It's just like, all happening so fast, 'cause I'd have to like, pack, and find a place to stay.
Klair: Oh my god, don't even worry about that. You can totally stay at my dad's place. He hasn't lived there for like 15 years. I think he started a new family, or something.
Alexis: Oh.
Klair: So it would be you, and my dad's ex-wife. But don't worry about her, she's two years younger than us, and like super chill.

Alexis: You know who's not sweet? Old Shan out there.
Ted: Okay, first of all Alexis, she's not old, we went to vet school together. And she's actually been really helpful this week.
Alexis: To you. I'm just gonna say it, Ted. Most people are a fan. So when someone's not, it's usually on them.