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40Quotes from ‘Murder Mystery’

Schitt's Creek: Murder Mystery

306. Murder Mystery

Aired February 14, 2017

Moira shares her party-planning expertise with Twyla, who's hosting a murder mystery dinner. Meanwhile, Alexis admits she never finished high school, and Johnny and Stevie try to sign a deal with a local golf course.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, and it's Roaring Twenties themed, and I know you have a soft spot for seersucker.
David: I won't be dressing up.
Moira: Aw, say, don't be a dew-dropper! Throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the Ritz!

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Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um. Okay, the thing is I can't go to college, yet. Because I didn't finish high school.
Ted: Oh.
Alexis: I know. It's so embarrassing, and I never should've taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.
Ted: Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?
Alexis: Yes... Technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does. This might sound crazy, but I almost think I should finish high school.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Well, I would ask someone else, it's just that, uh, so far no one is coming.
Moira: No one's coming to your party?
Twyla: Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away. And some people did say that if another thing that's supposed to happen doesn't happen, then they might be able to come, so, that's good.
Moira: So as of now you have no one on your guest list?
Twyla: Well, I shouldn't have said no one. My mom will come. And she'll probably bring whoever she's dating. And he'll most likely bring some younger friend.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Twyla, this is unacceptable! There are myriad tactics to boost numbers at your party! Well, you start by comping a few influential guests. You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider.

Quote from Alexis

David: What are you doing?
Alexis: I'm just checking the mail. Did you know you can still get mail?
David: Yes, I know about mail.
Alexis: No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail. Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.
David: Um, that's a mailman. And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff.
Alexis: I think it's free delivery, David.
David: I don't think so...

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Well, it's all about building bridges, Stevie. But here's the thing, even if this deal falls through, we still get an afternoon on a golf course.
Stevie: "We?"
Johnny: This is a big day for us, Stevie. You know it's been three years since I've played a round of golf?
Stevie: Yeah, um, golf's not really my thing. Except there was this one point in high school where I got this haircut that everyone said made me look like I was in the LPGA.

Quote from David

David: Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?"

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I'm fine, here's the thing. These parties are not great. Last year, it went until 3 am, and Twyla just wandered around kind of winking at everybody, until she realized she hadn't picked a murderer. And then the year before there were three murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe!

Quote from Moira

Moira: John and I used to attend "Eyes Wide Shut" parties at the Castros'. Though I'm guessing your evening's activities might be somewhat different.
Twyla: I don't know, it can get pretty wild. Oh yeah, you never know how the evening's gonna end!
Ronnie: Or when!
Moira: Well, John and I would love to help you ensnare this maniac, but we have plans this Saturday night.
Twyla: Oh well, the party's actually Friday.
Moira: I had a 50/50 chance there.
Twyla: So you can come?
Moira: Oh, I would be pleased to RSVP as pending. Just uh, as soon as I double check, and circle back.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: And I'll have you know, that I might not be an assistant for much longer.
David: What is this?
Alexis: It's Elmdale College. Ted and I have been talking about me doing like, an accounting course, or an office management course, but I think I can maybe broaden my horizons a bit.
David: You've circled "Stars and Cosmology?"
Alexis: Oh yeah, I thought it said "Cosmetology." Ugh.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, it's really good to see you out and about. Yes, I was starting to worry.
Jocelyn: Why?
Moira: Well, I happened to be chatting with our dear little Twyla about her party tonight, and she mentioned that you have yet to RSVP? And I thought, that's not the Jocelyn I know. What must've felled her?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, I hear this year is going to be very different. Twyla apparently sought counsel. Expect thoughtful party favors, themed cocktails, first class catering.
Jocelyn: I thought it was a potluck?
Moira: You, Jocelyn, are the mayor's wife, you are the self-appointed leader of the Jazzigals, and most importantly, Twyla worships you.
Twyla: She does?
Moira: Yes. This party has real momentum now. And with you attached, it's no less than a snowball gathering speed, picking up bodies as it rolls downhill.
Jocelyn: And that's good?
Moira: Very good.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Sometimes I wish I could go back to college. Pub nights, frisbee in the quad-
Alexis: Hmm.
Ted: Late night hacky sack. We got some serious sack circles going.
Alexis: Oh, so many sex circles.
Ted: Sack. Hacky sack. We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but still... College, so crazy.
Alexis: So crazy.

Quote from Ted

Ted: And truth be told, it took me a minute to finish high school myself.
Alexis: You're only saying that to make me feel better.
Ted: No, no, me and some friends, we just got in a car, and took off.
Alexis: Really?
Ted: Yeah, we were following the American Idol tour. We missed a couple shows, but it's always the exact same set, so no regrets.
Alexis: Um, I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit, but thank you.
Ted: That makes two of us.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Exactly, David. You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!
David: Okay, that's a bit much.
Moira: I blame myself. I've set a standard of activity and engagement so high you don't even try.
David: Okay, I am on a much needed respite whilst in between jobs.
Moira: You are squandering your social capital. A taste-maker like you should be out there, tasting things!
David: Uh, I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!

Quote from David

Moira: Does this town not deserve to have a marquee guest like yourself grace their humble soiree?
David: Speaking of marquee guests, I'm surprised you're going.
Moira: I can understand why you'd say that, but don't you just know Twyla would be thrilled to have as many Roses there tonight as possible!
David: [sighs] Fine, I will make a surprise appearance.
Moira: Good.
David: But it's twice around the room, and then I'm out.
Moira: Is there any other way?

Quote from Moira

Moira: [answering phone] Ahem! Rose residence.
David: Uh, where are you?!
Moira: May I ask who's calling?
David: You know who this is, and you know where I am.
Moira: Did everyone show up?
David: Yes, everybody showed up.
Moira: Good, then my work is done.
David: Uh no, your job is not done, You guilted me into coming here tonight!
Moira: And you're better off for it, David. You should thank me. Twyla was set to throw a fiasco until I exerted my influence.
David: Uh, yeah, and the way Twyla keeps asking about where you are, I'm pretty sure you're the murderer.
Moira: They'll never catch me. [hangs up]

Quote from David

Moira: Wait a minute, we were at the graduation.
Alexis: I know, but I wasn't.
Moira: We saw you there.
David: Did we, though?
Johnny: Yeah. We were there, we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's."
David: Oh, yeah, it got very repetitive.
Moira: No, I distinctly remember a celebratory lunch at the Hotel de Ville, in Crissier, and you'd had that unfortunate run-in with the spray tan machine.
David: No, that was- That was me.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Then how do you explain this graduation photo? Huh?
Alexis: That's Jess Chang.
Johnny: What? Jess Chang?
Alexis: Ugh!
Johnny: Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face?
Alexis: That's not my face!
David: Okay, why didn't anyone come to my graduation?
Moira: Well, you didn't graduate in Switzerland.
David: And whose fault is that?!
Alexis: How long have you been carrying that around in your wallet?!


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