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‘Murder Mystery’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Schitt's Creek: Murder Mystery

306. Murder Mystery

Aired February 14, 2017

Moira shares her party-planning expertise with Twyla, who's hosting a murder mystery dinner. Meanwhile, Alexis admits she never finished high school, and Johnny and Stevie try to sign a deal with a local golf course.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, and it's Roaring Twenties themed, and I know you have a soft spot for seersucker.
David: I won't be dressing up.
Moira: Aw, say, don't be a dew-dropper! Throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the Ritz!

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Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um. Okay, the thing is I can't go to college, yet. Because I didn't finish high school.
Ted: Oh.
Alexis: I know. It's so embarrassing, and I never should've taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.
Ted: Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?
Alexis: Yes... Technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does. This might sound crazy, but I almost think I should finish high school.

Quote from Alexis

David: What are you doing?
Alexis: I'm just checking the mail. Did you know you can still get mail?
David: Yes, I know about mail.
Alexis: No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail. Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.
David: Um, that's a mailman. And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff.
Alexis: I think it's free delivery, David.
David: I don't think so...

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Well, I would ask someone else, it's just that, uh, so far no one is coming.
Moira: No one's coming to your party?
Twyla: Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away. And some people did say that if another thing that's supposed to happen doesn't happen, then they might be able to come, so, that's good.
Moira: So as of now you have no one on your guest list?
Twyla: Well, I shouldn't have said no one. My mom will come. And she'll probably bring whoever she's dating. And he'll most likely bring some younger friend.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Twyla, this is unacceptable! There are myriad tactics to boost numbers at your party! Well, you start by comping a few influential guests. You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Well, it's all about building bridges, Stevie. But here's the thing, even if this deal falls through, we still get an afternoon on a golf course.
Stevie: "We?"
Johnny: This is a big day for us, Stevie. You know it's been three years since I've played a round of golf?
Stevie: Yeah, um, golf's not really my thing. Except there was this one point in high school where I got this haircut that everyone said made me look like I was in the LPGA.

Quote from David

David: Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?"

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I'm fine, here's the thing. These parties are not great. Last year, it went until 3 am, and Twyla just wandered around kind of winking at everybody, until she realized she hadn't picked a murderer. And then the year before there were three murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe!

Quote from Moira

Moira: John and I used to attend "Eyes Wide Shut" parties at the Castros'. Though I'm guessing your evening's activities might be somewhat different.
Twyla: I don't know, it can get pretty wild. Oh yeah, you never know how the evening's gonna end!
Ronnie: Or when!
Moira: Well, John and I would love to help you ensnare this maniac, but we have plans this Saturday night.
Twyla: Oh well, the party's actually Friday.
Moira: I had a 50/50 chance there.
Twyla: So you can come?
Moira: Oh, I would be pleased to RSVP as pending. Just uh, as soon as I double check, and circle back.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: And I'll have you know, that I might not be an assistant for much longer.
David: What is this?
Alexis: It's Elmdale College. Ted and I have been talking about me doing like, an accounting course, or an office management course, but I think I can maybe broaden my horizons a bit.
David: You've circled "Stars and Cosmology?"
Alexis: Oh yeah, I thought it said "Cosmetology." Ugh.

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