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40Quotes from ‘Murder Mystery’

Schitt's Creek: Murder Mystery

306. Murder Mystery

Aired February 14, 2017

Moira shares her party-planning expertise with Twyla, who's hosting a murder mystery dinner. Meanwhile, Alexis admits she never finished high school, and Johnny and Stevie try to sign a deal with a local golf course.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, and it's Roaring Twenties themed, and I know you have a soft spot for seersucker.
David: I won't be dressing up.
Moira: Aw, say, don't be a dew-dropper! Throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the Ritz!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um. Okay, the thing is I can't go to college, yet. Because I didn't finish high school.
Ted: Oh.
Alexis: I know. It's so embarrassing, and I never should've taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.
Ted: Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?
Alexis: Yes... Technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does. This might sound crazy, but I almost think I should finish high school.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Well, I would ask someone else, it's just that, uh, so far no one is coming.
Moira: No one's coming to your party?
Twyla: Well, in fairness, the party is still a few hours away. And some people did say that if another thing that's supposed to happen doesn't happen, then they might be able to come, so, that's good.
Moira: So as of now you have no one on your guest list?
Twyla: Well, I shouldn't have said no one. My mom will come. And she'll probably bring whoever she's dating. And he'll most likely bring some younger friend.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Twyla, this is unacceptable! There are myriad tactics to boost numbers at your party! Well, you start by comping a few influential guests. You'd be shocked at how many celebrities show up to a thing with the promise of a free Wagyu slider.

Quote from Alexis

David: What are you doing?
Alexis: I'm just checking the mail. Did you know you can still get mail?
David: Yes, I know about mail.
Alexis: No, but I'm talking about like, mail, mail. Like a little man in a uniform, with his satchel full of letters, traveling door to door.
David: Um, that's a mailman. And he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff.
Alexis: I think it's free delivery, David.
David: I don't think so...

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Well, it's all about building bridges, Stevie. But here's the thing, even if this deal falls through, we still get an afternoon on a golf course.
Stevie: "We?"
Johnny: This is a big day for us, Stevie. You know it's been three years since I've played a round of golf?
Stevie: Yeah, um, golf's not really my thing. Except there was this one point in high school where I got this haircut that everyone said made me look like I was in the LPGA.

Quote from David

David: Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of "Touched By an Angel?"

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I'm fine, here's the thing. These parties are not great. Last year, it went until 3 am, and Twyla just wandered around kind of winking at everybody, until she realized she hadn't picked a murderer. And then the year before there were three murderers, and one of them actually robbed the cafe!

Quote from Moira

Moira: John and I used to attend "Eyes Wide Shut" parties at the Castros'. Though I'm guessing your evening's activities might be somewhat different.
Twyla: I don't know, it can get pretty wild. Oh yeah, you never know how the evening's gonna end!
Ronnie: Or when!
Moira: Well, John and I would love to help you ensnare this maniac, but we have plans this Saturday night.
Twyla: Oh well, the party's actually Friday.
Moira: I had a 50/50 chance there.
Twyla: So you can come?
Moira: Oh, I would be pleased to RSVP as pending. Just uh, as soon as I double check, and circle back.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: And I'll have you know, that I might not be an assistant for much longer.
David: What is this?
Alexis: It's Elmdale College. Ted and I have been talking about me doing like, an accounting course, or an office management course, but I think I can maybe broaden my horizons a bit.
David: You've circled "Stars and Cosmology?"
Alexis: Oh yeah, I thought it said "Cosmetology." Ugh.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, it's really good to see you out and about. Yes, I was starting to worry.
Jocelyn: Why?
Moira: Well, I happened to be chatting with our dear little Twyla about her party tonight, and she mentioned that you have yet to RSVP? And I thought, that's not the Jocelyn I know. What must've felled her?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, I hear this year is going to be very different. Twyla apparently sought counsel. Expect thoughtful party favors, themed cocktails, first class catering.
Jocelyn: I thought it was a potluck?
Moira: You, Jocelyn, are the mayor's wife, you are the self-appointed leader of the Jazzigals, and most importantly, Twyla worships you.
Twyla: She does?
Moira: Yes. This party has real momentum now. And with you attached, it's no less than a snowball gathering speed, picking up bodies as it rolls downhill.
Jocelyn: And that's good?
Moira: Very good.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Sometimes I wish I could go back to college. Pub nights, frisbee in the quad-
Alexis: Hmm.
Ted: Late night hacky sack. We got some serious sack circles going.
Alexis: Oh, so many sex circles.
Ted: Sack. Hacky sack. We always hoped they'd lead to sex, but still... College, so crazy.
Alexis: So crazy.

Quote from Ted

Ted: And truth be told, it took me a minute to finish high school myself.
Alexis: You're only saying that to make me feel better.
Ted: No, no, me and some friends, we just got in a car, and took off.
Alexis: Really?
Ted: Yeah, we were following the American Idol tour. We missed a couple shows, but it's always the exact same set, so no regrets.
Alexis: Um, I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit, but thank you.
Ted: That makes two of us.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Exactly, David. You are bored, lethargic, and practically dripping with ennui!
David: Okay, that's a bit much.
Moira: I blame myself. I've set a standard of activity and engagement so high you don't even try.
David: Okay, I am on a much needed respite whilst in between jobs.
Moira: You are squandering your social capital. A taste-maker like you should be out there, tasting things!
David: Uh, I'm at the buffet, and there is nothing to taste!

Quote from David

Moira: Does this town not deserve to have a marquee guest like yourself grace their humble soiree?
David: Speaking of marquee guests, I'm surprised you're going.
Moira: I can understand why you'd say that, but don't you just know Twyla would be thrilled to have as many Roses there tonight as possible!
David: [sighs] Fine, I will make a surprise appearance.
Moira: Good.
David: But it's twice around the room, and then I'm out.
Moira: Is there any other way?

Quote from Moira

Moira: [answering phone] Ahem! Rose residence.
David: Uh, where are you?!
Moira: May I ask who's calling?
David: You know who this is, and you know where I am.
Moira: Did everyone show up?
David: Yes, everybody showed up.
Moira: Good, then my work is done.
David: Uh no, your job is not done, You guilted me into coming here tonight!
Moira: And you're better off for it, David. You should thank me. Twyla was set to throw a fiasco until I exerted my influence.
David: Uh, yeah, and the way Twyla keeps asking about where you are, I'm pretty sure you're the murderer.
Moira: They'll never catch me. [hangs up]

Quote from David

Moira: Wait a minute, we were at the graduation.
Alexis: I know, but I wasn't.
Moira: We saw you there.
David: Did we, though?
Johnny: Yeah. We were there, we might not have stayed through the "R's," I think we left halfway through the "L's."
David: Oh, yeah, it got very repetitive.
Moira: No, I distinctly remember a celebratory lunch at the Hotel de Ville, in Crissier, and you'd had that unfortunate run-in with the spray tan machine.
David: No, that was- That was me.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Then how do you explain this graduation photo? Huh?
Alexis: That's Jess Chang.
Johnny: What? Jess Chang?
Alexis: Ugh!
Johnny: Well, who can tell with all this hair in front of your face?
Alexis: That's not my face!
David: Okay, why didn't anyone come to my graduation?
Moira: Well, you didn't graduate in Switzerland.
David: And whose fault is that?!
Alexis: How long have you been carrying that around in your wallet?!

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Oh, before we start, I just wanna warn everybody, there is a murderer on the loose. In this town.
Ronnie: Uh-oh.
Twyla: So heads up, eyes peeled, guys.
Moira: Twyla, are you all right?
Twyla: I will be if I can get a few friends together this weekend to catch this murderer. Until then, it shall remain a mystery!
Jocelyn: Oh, I think I know where this is going.
Twyla: It's my murder mystery party this weekend.
Moira: Oh, I see!
Twyla: Sorry if I scared anyone.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Did somebody book a room?
Johnny: Even better, someone might book a room.
Stevie: How is that better?
Johnny: A lot of people might book a room if this goes through.
Stevie: Okay, but you're still using the word "might."

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: That was the Elm Glen Golf Club. They wanna put together a package with us. A weekend of golf, and a stay at a luxurious motel.
Stevie: What motel is that?
Johnny: I'm gonna let them work out the verbiage, but the upshot is this, on a $250 dollar package, a cool $40 goes into our pockets.
Stevie: That sounds like a better deal for them.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Well, listen, I'm sure you could use an afternoon outdoors, okay? Think of it as a team-building exercise.
Stevie: Okay.
Johnny: I might even let you drive the cart.
Stevie: Can you drink on the cart?
Johnny: Yeah.
Stevie: Well, I will get the "back in 15 minutes" sign.
Johnny: Well, it's gonna take longer than 15 minutes.
Stevie: You have to give people hope.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: So, Mrs. Rose, I don't mean to pressure you, but I am anxious to know...
Moira: Understandably, yes, BLT please, no bread.
Twyla: Oh, I meant if you were coming to the murder mystery party.
Moira: Oh that, yes.
Twyla: Yes, you are?
Moira: It's just that it's the end of the week, Twyla, so that's always chockablock. And then there are the kids... Well, both of them, David, Alexis.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: Well, I know you're busy, I was just-I don't know, I was just hoping you'd bring a little something to the party.
Moira: A touch of celebrity, perhaps.
Twyla: I was actually thinking bagel bites.
Moira: Ah!
Twyla: Did I mention it was a potluck?
Moira: Oh, you most certainly did not.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: I'm not charging anyone, this is just for fun.
Moira: Oh, this is worse than I assumed! How about a signature cocktail?
Twyla: I hadn't thought of that.
Moira: Okay, shouldn't you be...
Twyla: Oh, yeah.
Moira: Okay, we're going to start with follow-up. You secure your VIP list, and you work your way down from there.

Quote from David

David: How far into the 15 minutes do you think we are?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but you've just been kind of hanging around a lot lately, which isn't a bad thing, but it's also not a good thing.
David: Yeah, um it's just that the town only has so many ex-boyfriends to hand out secretary work.
Alexis: Um, first of all, David, I'm an assistant, not a secretary.
David: Oh.
Alexis: And second of all, Ted is not my ex-boyfriend, he is ex-fiance.

Quote from Stevie

Roland: Are you using the Vargon grip?
Johnny: I'm using La Va Grande. Are you watching this, Stevie?
Stevie: Yeah, this is just a little hard to understand, so I want a record of it.
Johnny: Okay, delete that, please!
Roland: Can I get a copy of that?

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: I thought that Roland might still be here.
Moira: No, it seems our mayor is keeping summer hours.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, I guess I could talk to the other Jazzigals. I just wish I hadn't thrown out that flapper dress from Halloween last year.
Moira: Spread the word! Be the snowball.
Jocelyn: Be the snowball!

Quote from David

David: [on the phone] Okay, it's just that I misplaced my high school diploma when we lost our house. No, I wish it was a flood. Okay well, chasing down the paperwork seems like a lot of work. No, I know that- I know that your courses require a lot of work, I'm just- What if it was a flood? Okay fine, I will call you back with the paperwork, thanks.

Quote from David

Alexis: Um, what's going on? Are you looking at courses now?
David: Um, I'm just putting some feelers out. A lot of people have encouraged me to build on the skills I acquired as creative director of the Blouse Barn, so.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, well, this is sort of my thing, though.
David: I really don't think you can claim education as your thing, and I don't even think I'll be able to take those courses, because the stupid people at the college wouldn't just take my word for it when I told them that I had a high school diploma.
Alexis: But why do you need it, though?
David: To prove that I graduated high school.
Alexis: Well, it's not like they're gonna be like, "Oh, you don't have your high school diploma, you can't come to our college."
David: That's almost word for word what they just said to me on the phone.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Oh, you wanna have the meeting inside? On a day like this?
Female Manager: Sorry, did you think we'd be playing a round?
Johnny: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We-we had a meeting earlier at another club, and they wanted us to test drive the course, so we're in the attire.
Female Manager: Oh, where were you playing?
Johnny: Uh, we were playing at um it was what course, Stevie? It was down the road. Uh, Maple-
Stevie: Grove?
Johnny: Grove, Maple Grove.
Male Manager: Maple Grove? No, I don't know that one.
Johnny: Oh, really? It's a beautiful course. Very exclusive, Uh, but it is set way back off the road, it's-
Stevie: Which might explain why you've never seen or heard of it.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: You go on ahead, I'm just gonna go use the restroom.
Johnny: Oh sure, might as well use some of the amenities.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Um, you know those courses we were talking about?
Ted: Oh yeah, I thought that data management one looked like it might be good for you.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I had the same thought, but when I looked into it, all the courses were full. And then the courses that weren't full conflicted with each other, and then everything just cancelled out.
Ted: Alexis, if you don't wanna take the course, you don't have to take the course.

Quote from Stevie

Female Manager: I've given a heads-up to the starter. The tee is yours. Have a great round, you two.
Stevie: Thanks so much.
Johnny: How did you make that happen?
Stevie: I asked.
Johnny: Well, that's very nice, Stevie. Thank you.
Stevie: Okay, let's get our golf sticks.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: John, are you going to be done soon?
Johnny: Just working on my short game, Moira. Stevie and I are pitching Oak Valley next week, I just wanna make sure I'm ready.
Moira: Well, the endless tinking of putter to ball tells me you will be.
Johnny: Well, it's for the motel. It's not like I'm enjoying this. Oh, beautiful, see that?

Quote from Alexis

Moira: Alexis, we sent you to high school in Switzerland because we trusted you.
Johnny: That school cost $250,000 dollars.
Alexis: I know, and I felt so bad about it. And that is why I missed my final semester.


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