Johnny: Then you plan it.
David: What? No!
Alexis: Oh, snap, David!
Johnny: Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.
David: Oh, my God.
Alexis: 'kay, that's not at all how that works, so...
Johnny: Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office.

Johnny: Kids, just came in to remind you to keep Saturday open.
David: What's Saturday?
Johnny: What's Saturday? It's your mother's birthday.
Alexis: No, her birthday is the second weekend in May.
Johnny: That's mother's day, honey.
Alexis: I don't think so.

Moira: Jocelyn, I'm so glad I've run into you. Roland was mentioning your fundraiser earlier today and it got me thinking-
Jocelyn: My what?
Moira: Your annual fundraiser for the children with troubled mouths.
Jocelyn: Oh, right. Yes. It's gonna be quite a night.
Moira: I hope so, 'cause I'd like to be involved.
Jocelyn: With?
Moira: Your fundraiser. As I'm sure you know, I was on the board of some of the most profitable not-profits, from San Francisco to London. And after speaking with Roland, I realized I was remiss not to gift you with my wealth of experience.
Jocelyn: Wow. That's very generous of you, Moira. I was gonna ask you, but I didn't wanna impose.
Moira: Jocelyn, you must stop being intimidated by me. It's unnerving.

David: I asked you to get her invited to the fundraiser, not involved in the fundraiser.
Johnny: The fundraiser was your idea! You didn't think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hilary shaking last year at the Clinton foundation dinner.

Johnny: Saturday is Moira's birthday and we want to throw her a surprise party. So, we need an excuse to get her all dressed up and out of the house.
Roland: Well, dinner at our place. Problem solved.
Johnny: Well, tempting. But it's gotta be something fancy and, uh, elegant. You know, black tie. So we're thinking maybe Jocelyn is throwing her "annual charity fundraiser."
Roland: She hasn't mentioned anything to me about it.
Johnny: Why would she mention it?
Roland: Well, Johnny, uh, if she's planning a fundraiser, I think Jocelyn would mention something about it to her husband.
Johnny: It's not a real fundraiser, Roland. It's just a pretend fundraiser to get Moira out of the house. You see, I I could tell her about it myself, but she would catch on because it falls on the same night as her birthday, so she's gotta hear about the fundraiser from someone who doesn't know it's her birthday.
Roland: Okay, so then you want me to find somebody who doesn't know.
Johnny: No. I want you to tell her.
Roland: But that doesn't make any sense. I know it's her birthday.
Johnny: You only know it's her birthday because I just told you it's her birthday. Moira doesn't know you know it's her birthday.
Roland: I won't tell her.
Johnny: Why would you tell her?
Roland: I won't tell her is what I'm saying to you. I won't tell her, so don't worry about it.

David: Where would you even throw a party like that in this town?
Johnny: I don't know. I haven't thought that through yet. Maybe Roland's house.
David: Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.

Ted: And on Saturday, we have the afternoon off, so I booked us a Chicago's best deep dish pizza tour.
Alexis: Oh, my God. Well, that's probably gonna have to change, but what else did you book for us?

Johnny: Tell me you understand the plan.
Roland: Yes, Johnny, I understand the plan. Jeez! And I don't appreciate being talked to like a child.
Johnny: Okay, I'm sorry.
Roland: Well, I'm sorry. It's a little demeaning.
Johnny: Look, I'm sorry. It's just so important. This is really important. I wanna make sure you understand the plan.
Roland: Okay, I understand, all right?
Johnny: Okay.
Roland: I just think it's awfully short notice to start planning a fundraiser.
Johnny: [yelling] There is no fundraiser!
Roland: Right. No fundraiser.
Johnny: It's pretend!
Roland: Pretend. It's fun time.

Roland: Hey. Sorry I'm late, Johnny. Had a little memorizing to do.
Johnny: Late for- Late for what, Roland? I don't know what you mean?
Roland: For Jocelyn's big shindig. I'm here to personally invite the two of you to, um, a, um, annual, um, elegant dress-up event that Jocelyn is hosting. Um, well, no, I'm not inviting you, but I'm saying we're- We'll see each other there at the very big event that Jocelyn is hosting. The whole town will go to this event. They'll all be dressed up and, um, did I did I say that it's a fundraiser? Oh, sorry, Johnny. Let me start over here.
Johnny: Why are you apologizing to me? You don't have to apologize to me.
Roland: No, no. It's a fundraiser for the thing with the children that- The- With the mouth. Uh, cleft palates, and , um, Joc' does it every year.
Johnny: Uh, Roland, you know what? We're- We're Probably just gonna be hanging around the motel on Saturday, you know.
Roland: Yeah, no, I'm sure. It's, uh, hard to look at those kids and all that, I get it.

Moira: Put us down for four tickets.
Johnny: Really?
Moira: Oh, yes, it's the least we can do to support Jocelyn's philanthropic endeavours.