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‘Surprise Party’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: Surprise Party

112. Surprise Party

Aired March 24, 2015

Johnny wants to a throw a surprise party for Moira's birthday, but he needs a cover story to keep her from finding out.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Then you plan it.
David: What? No!
Alexis: Oh, snap, David!
Johnny: Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.
David: Oh, my God.
Alexis: 'kay, that's not at all how that works, so...
Johnny: Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office.

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Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Kids, just came in to remind you to keep Saturday open.
David: What's Saturday?
Johnny: What's Saturday? It's your mother's birthday.
Alexis: No, her birthday is the second weekend in May.
Johnny: That's mother's day, honey.
Alexis: I don't think so.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Jocelyn, I'm so glad I've run into you. Roland was mentioning your fundraiser earlier today and it got me thinking-
Jocelyn: My what?
Moira: Your annual fundraiser for the children with troubled mouths.
Jocelyn: Oh, right. Yes. It's gonna be quite a night.
Moira: I hope so, 'cause I'd like to be involved.
Jocelyn: With?
Moira: Your fundraiser. As I'm sure you know, I was on the board of some of the most profitable not-profits, from San Francisco to London. And after speaking with Roland, I realized I was remiss not to gift you with my wealth of experience.
Jocelyn: Wow. That's very generous of you, Moira. I was gonna ask you, but I didn't wanna impose.
Moira: Jocelyn, you must stop being intimidated by me. It's unnerving.

Quote from Johnny

David: I asked you to get her invited to the fundraiser, not involved in the fundraiser.
Johnny: The fundraiser was your idea! You didn't think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hilary shaking last year at the Clinton foundation dinner.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Saturday is Moira's birthday and we want to throw her a surprise party. So, we need an excuse to get her all dressed up and out of the house.
Roland: Well, dinner at our place. Problem solved.
Johnny: Well, tempting. But it's gotta be something fancy and, uh, elegant. You know, black tie. So we're thinking maybe Jocelyn is throwing her "annual charity fundraiser."
Roland: She hasn't mentioned anything to me about it.
Johnny: Why would she mention it?
Roland: Well, Johnny, uh, if she's planning a fundraiser, I think Jocelyn would mention something about it to her husband.
Johnny: It's not a real fundraiser, Roland. It's just a pretend fundraiser to get Moira out of the house. You see, I I could tell her about it myself, but she would catch on because it falls on the same night as her birthday, so she's gotta hear about the fundraiser from someone who doesn't know it's her birthday.
Roland: Okay, so then you want me to find somebody who doesn't know.
Johnny: No. I want you to tell her.
Roland: But that doesn't make any sense. I know it's her birthday.
Johnny: You only know it's her birthday because I just told you it's her birthday. Moira doesn't know you know it's her birthday.
Roland: I won't tell her.
Johnny: Why would you tell her?
Roland: I won't tell her is what I'm saying to you. I won't tell her, so don't worry about it.

Quote from David

David: Where would you even throw a party like that in this town?
Johnny: I don't know. I haven't thought that through yet. Maybe Roland's house.
David: Listen to the words coming out of your mouth.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: And on Saturday, we have the afternoon off, so I booked us a Chicago's best deep dish pizza tour.
Alexis: Oh, my God. Well, that's probably gonna have to change, but what else did you book for us?

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Tell me you understand the plan.
Roland: Yes, Johnny, I understand the plan. Jeez! And I don't appreciate being talked to like a child.
Johnny: Okay, I'm sorry.
Roland: Well, I'm sorry. It's a little demeaning.
Johnny: Look, I'm sorry. It's just so important. This is really important. I wanna make sure you understand the plan.
Roland: Okay, I understand, all right?
Johnny: Okay.
Roland: I just think it's awfully short notice to start planning a fundraiser.
Johnny: [yelling] There is no fundraiser!
Roland: Right. No fundraiser.
Johnny: It's pretend!
Roland: Pretend. It's fun time.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey. Sorry I'm late, Johnny. Had a little memorizing to do.
Johnny: Late for- Late for what, Roland? I don't know what you mean?
Roland: For Jocelyn's big shindig. I'm here to personally invite the two of you to, um, a, um, annual, um, elegant dress-up event that Jocelyn is hosting. Um, well, no, I'm not inviting you, but I'm saying we're- We'll see each other there at the very big event that Jocelyn is hosting. The whole town will go to this event. They'll all be dressed up and, um, did I did I say that it's a fundraiser? Oh, sorry, Johnny. Let me start over here.
Johnny: Why are you apologizing to me? You don't have to apologize to me.
Roland: No, no. It's a fundraiser for the thing with the children that- The- With the mouth. Uh, cleft palates, and , um, Joc' does it every year.
Johnny: Uh, Roland, you know what? We're- We're Probably just gonna be hanging around the motel on Saturday, you know.
Roland: Yeah, no, I'm sure. It's, uh, hard to look at those kids and all that, I get it.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Put us down for four tickets.
Johnny: Really?
Moira: Oh, yes, it's the least we can do to support Jocelyn's philanthropic endeavours.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, I need you. I was speaking to Jocelyn about this fundraiser she's apparently organizing-
Johnny: Whoa-whoa, you-you were talking to Jocelyn?
Moira: Yes, about the fundraiser, and the poor thing looked like a deer caught in the headlights. And I cannot stand by and watch this woman drive a perfectly worthy cause into the ground.

Quote from David

Johnny: I will get the cake with your sister. All you've gotta do is keep your mother under control.
David: The North Korean army could not keep my mother under control when it comes to event planning.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Where are we?
Alexis: Um, we're almost there. The last sign I saw said "Exit Elmdale," so I haven't seen it yet, but we should be getting there soon.
Johnny: The last sign said "Exit Elmdale?"
Alexis: Mm-hmm.
Johnny: Well, that was the exit to Elmdale. We've gone too far, we've gotta turn back!
Alexis: But you were sleeping!
Johnny: Well, wake me up!
Alexis: No! Because you're so grumpy when you wake- Like you're grumpy right now.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Well, Moira, in regards to the decorations, David was kind enough to offer me an incredibly long list of the things to stay away from.
Moira: Darling, one does not just stick a red nose on it and call it an event. There is an order to these things.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Again, what is the organization that it's for?
Jocelyn: The surgeons-
David: Uh, the doctors who un-cleft the mouths.
Moira: Never heard of it. And who are the trustees?
David: I don't think they're gonna come.
Moira: Oh, how very churlish of them.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, I'm gonna ask you to put some pieces together here for me. We are throwing a "fundraiser" that just so happens to be on the same night as your birthday.
Moira: Must you rub it in?
David: We're throwing a "fundraiser" on your birthday.
Moira: Now you're just being cruel.
David: The fundraiser isn't real. It's not a real thing.
Moira: Oh you're planning a birthday thing-
David: Mm-hmm.
Moira: That I'm not supposed to know about.
David: Mm-mm.
Moira: In a barn?

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: We can't afford the candles. They're $2.49.
Alexis: They don't just come with the cake?
Johnny: No, apparently not.
Alexis: Like matches when you buy cigarettes?
Johnny: You smoke?
Alexis: Um... no.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Wait, wait, wait. One last check. [to Alexis] Gorgeous. [to Johnny] Perfection. [to David] Like your father the day I married him. Look at us, the Roses, attending this town's most illustrious fundraising gala.
David: I think you're overselling it just a bit.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Where are all the patrons?
Johnny: Well, I don't know. Do we have the wrong night?
All: Surprise!
Moira: What?! There's no fundraiser?! You're just here to celebrate me? Oh, never in the history of surprises has one been so delightfully blindsided.
Johnny: [to David & Alexis] Okay, who told her?

Quote from Mutt

Alexis: Hey, um, you look really amazing.
Mutt: Well, I didn't wanna be the only one not wearing a suit.
Alexis: Um, did you have to kill a man to get it, or..?
Mutt: I did. It took me a couple to find one in my size.


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