Leslie Knope: Let's do an exercise. April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world?
April: Easy. Most murders per capita. The guillotine was invented here. City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.

Dr. Harris: So, Andy, tell me what happened.
Andy: I was reading an encyclopedia, and I tripped or "fell over" and hit my head or brain helmet.
April: Yeah, he sneezed and smacked his head against the wall.
Dr. Harris: That sounds about right. Well, if it's a concussion it's extremely mild, so I wouldn't worry about it. Anything else bothering you?
Andy: Nope.
Dr. Harris: Okay.
Andy: Well, I mean, yeah, I've got a weird rash in my knee pit area. And my tongue, on this side, doesn't taste anything anymore. Sometimes when I walk my ankles make, like, a weird rattlesnake sound. What else? Things that are far away from my eyes are fuzzy. I once at a Twix with the wrapper on it, and I've never seen the wrapper come out. Also I've swallowed every piece of gum that I've chewed for the past 25 years.
April: Andy!
Andy: I don't know. I broke my thumb on the way over here. Just fix me.
Dr. Harris: Well, I can help you with the thumb. And I'll have to give you referrals for specialists for the other thousand things.

Ben: All right, I call this wonderful spot.
Jerry: You didn't bring a tent?
Ben: I don't really go camping, ever, Jerry, so I'm not gonna spend $150 on a tent. I'm just gonna sleep on the floor.
Ron Swanson: It's called the ground when it's outside.

Leslie Knope: Donna, someone good?
Donna: No. I'm talking to my brother George.
Leslie Knope: You're not supposed to receive personal phone calls.
Donna: Oh, I called him. He's in Liberia visiting my uncle. Wants to know what happened on Lost.

Ann: I was so into you, okay, and you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.
Chris: Huh...
Ann: I mean, I was jogging. I hate jogging.
Chris: [laughs] Jogging's amazing!
Ann: Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

Leslie Knope: Okay. Next? Wow. Really good, Jerry.
Jerry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma.
Tom: [laughs] You said "murinal."
Jerry: No, I didn't.
Ann: Yes, you did. You said "murinal". I heard it.
Jerry: Anyway, she...
April: Jerry. Why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?
Tom: Jerry. Go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.
Jerry: I just wanted to show you my art.
All: [chanting] Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!
Leslie Knope: Disqualified!
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: It's pointillism. And each dot is a photo of a citizen of the town.
Tom: No one cares. At all.

[On Ron's video chat, the ID is blocked and he has "Unknown Gryzzl Points"]
Ron Swanson: Hello, Leslie. I see you are contacting me again.
Leslie Knope: This is the system, Ron. 7:00 p.m. phone tree. I call someone, and then they call someone else, and we keep doing it until everyone has been reached. This is the system. You got a better system?
Ron Swanson: Yes. We talk far less than that. Or we just send each other a photo of ourselves holding up today's newspaper to prove we're okay.
Leslie Knope: It's impossible to get everyone on the phone at the same time, you know? And talking is important, Ron. We have to look out for our mental and emotional health.
Ron Swanson: This is the only mental health I need. [holds up bottle of Lagavulin]
Leslie Knope: What are you doing? Are you in your cabin?
Ron Swanson: I am. I come up here to hunt meat so I don't have to go to the grocery store. I've built up about a 12-year supply of venison jerky. I can ship you some. You'd probably have to get your incisor teeth sharpened.
Leslie Knope: Ew. No. When you travel, are you practicing social distancing?
Ron Swanson: I've been practicing social distancing since I was four years old.

[Pawnee National Park, 2022:]
Leslie Knope: Let's go meet your staff. Pawnee National Park rangers, this is Ron Swanson, your new superintendent and boss.
Ron Swanson: Rangers, my name is Ronald Ulysses Swanson. Your job and mine is to walk this land and make sure no one harms it. If you show up on time, speak honestly, and treat everyone with fairness, we will get along just fine. Though hopefully not too fine, as I'm not looking for any new friends. End of speech.
Leslie Knope: Well said.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: You're welcome, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Okay. Time to go to work.

[Pawnee, 2022:]
Trevor Nelsson: Despite the recent financial crisis, Very Good Building Company will finish fiscal year 2022 in excellent financial shape, thanks in large part to the stewardship of your chairman, Ron Swanson. Mr. Chairman, would you like to say a few words?
Ron Swanson: I resign as chairman, effective immediately.
Trevor Nelsson: Uh, would you like to explain why?
Ron Swanson: No.
Lon Swanson: Should we discuss your retirement package?
Ron Swanson: Just give me whatever the board thinks is fair.
Lon Swanson: Agreed.
Vaughn Swanson: Best of luck.
Ron Swanson: Don't get emotional, Vaughn. You're embarrassing yourself.
Trevor Nelsson: What just happened?

Ron Swanson: So, Typhoon, what do you like to do for fun?
Typhoon: I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy, and I do the chandelier design for my friend's drag puppet show.
Ron Swanson: No further questions.
Typhoon: All I really want to do is dance. Except lately all the good warehouse raves are filled with Eurotrash.
Ron Swanson: "Eurotrash," I like that. It is, indeed, a garbage continent.
Typhoon: Yes. Oh, my God. I had the worst time in Berlin last May. Everyone was on their stupid bikes. I was like, "Ew."
Ron Swanson: [laughs] Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.