Ron Swanson: How'd you remember?
April: "Woof, woof." Bark.
Ron Swanson: Why here?
April: Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong and quiet and always here when you need it... or whatever.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I have always felt a certain kinship with April, and this is proof that I was correct. Not the nice things she said about me, the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago. I've since moved it. Or have I?

April: So I guess we are celebrating that you trusted me and I let you down. Great.
Ron Swanson: I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you. What matters is that I trust you and admire you as a person. I will be sorry to see you leave this town for many reasons... not the least of which is that you created a puzzle that even I couldn't solve. And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy. [laughs] "Woof, woof." [laughs] It really is embarrassing.
April: Oh, my God. I totally know where the key is.

Andy: Well don't fret, cookie. We've made progress, haven't we? We got a whole list of all the things you need out of a new job. Apple juice, barbecue sauce, Count Chocula-- Wait. Oh, sorry, that's the list of cool new nicknames I want people to call me.

Eugene: Ben Wyatt. Any comment on the report that you're running for Congress?
Ben: I'm sorry, I can't talk about this right now.
Eugene: Your only experience in politics was as a failed mayor at age 18--
Ben: Okay, please, everyone, we're at a wedding. And I'm holding zebras.
Eugene: I mean, what qualifies you to take over Hartwell's seat?
Ben: Guys, listen to me, please. I'm dealing with an actual problem right now. Okay? Which, by the way, is what I do for a living. I solve problems as a budget specialist, and for five years as a City Manager, and I'm pretty good at it. I have worked hard to transform this area into a fiscally sound destination for people who want good jobs, and a good public education, and I think the results speak for themselves. [cameras clicking] My name is Ben Wyatt, and I'm running for Congress.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, babe, that was so hot.

Leslie Knope: All right, everybody, listen up. We're here today because JJ's Diner has been a part of Pawnee for 41 years. And this man right here built that diner from the ground up with his own two hands.
JJ: That's not true.
Leslie Knope: It's called constructing a narrative, JJ. You stick to the breakfast. I'll deal with the politics. So, now, let's hear from a man who knows the value of things staying the same. Ron Swanson. [cheering]
Ron Swanson: I do not like rallies. And based on what I see from this vantage point, I do not like most of you. What I do like is breakfast food. JJ's has very good breakfast food, so it should remain open. Please do not approach me on the street after this event and attempt to talk to me. Our similarities begin and end with this single issue.
Leslie Knope: Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson: We need to talk.
Ben: What is that?
Ron Swanson: This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.
Leslie Knope: I thought you didn't like to pass judgment on business--
Ron Swanson: The package was addressed to my son, who is four years old, and does not own a Gryzzl doodad. Somehow the robots looked at Diane's computer and learned something about my child and then brought him a box of presents, so I destroyed the robot. [metal clatters] No one is safe from these bastards. Tell me what to do, Leslie. [thunder rumbles] I wanna help you take them down.

Ron Swanson: Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?

Ron Swanson: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I loved shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.
Leslie Knope: Your metaphors are so beautiful.
Ron Swanson: But it was time for me to leave, and I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we had, not giving you a heads-up when my company took on the Morningstar development and bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had a good run here. But after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, when I looked around this office, nothing was the same.

Ron Swanson: Is that nuclear waste?
Leslie Knope: No, this is my job application from when you hired me.
Ron Swanson: How did you get that?
Leslie Knope: Freedom of Information Act request. But here's the thing. I've never read it. This application contains your very first impressions of me. It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron. The beginning of the whole shebang. This is all you wrote? Three lousy lines?
Ron Swanson: Why would anyone need more than three lines? I'm describing a person, not something complicated like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique. I forgot what I wrote. Can I hear it?
Leslie Knope: Why don't you read it yourself?
Ron Swanson: "Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist whose political leanings are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky." So far, so accurate. "If we were to work together, she would undoubtedly drive me insane, and it is possible that we would murder each other."
Leslie Knope: You forgot the last sentence.
Ron Swanson: No, I didn't. I remember that part. It says, "Hire her."

Andy: Last chance, Ron. The slots are finalized, but I can squeeze in ten minutes if a certain mister... [whispering] Duke Silver wanted to come out. Come on, Ron, it's gonna be so fun.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Andrew, but fun or not, playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.