Andy: [clears throat] Greg Pikitis? [lunges at Greg] Would you like some boiling hot coffee in your face? [smashes mug] My name is Burt Macklin. I'm with the [beep] FBI.

Andy: All right, let's go to the video again. Sweet kick, Leslie exits the building, and then you get hit. [laughs] What else do we know? We know that Leslie was about 15 feet in front of you, so clearly the assailant has terrible aim. Mm-hmm. Or... Leslie wasn't the target.
Jerry: Well, who then? [Andy draws on the TV] Okay, that's permanent marker.
Andy: Go find Ben, get a list of everyone he's ever fired. Go, go! Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Andy: Hi, Chris. Uh, Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver to you this document.
Chris: "To whom it may concern, dear Chris, there is an emergency regarding the Parks Department, and April may just be the only person who can help. I can't get into details because it's super-classified. Please release April back to us permanently. God bless America. Love, Burt Macklin, FBI."
Andy: What?
April: Okay. Well, bye.
Chris: April, listen. If you don't want to work for me, I'm not gonna force you. You didn't have to do this.
Andy: She didn't do that. That... that was... Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call.

Andy: Hello, strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?
April: I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?
Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they had until I was framed for a crime I didn't commit...
[gasps] Stealing the president's rubies. Now I work alone.
April: Lovely to meet you.
Andy: I got to admit, uh, I thought your costume would maybe be a little bit sluttier.
April: [slaps Andy] How dare you?
Andy: Nice.

Andy: Miss Snakehole. You think I'd let you get away that easily? Burt Macklin may be dead, but I'm his brother Kip Hackman.
Kyle: Why wouldn't you have his same last name?
Andy: Shut up, Kyle. I know you boosted those paintings.
April: Maybe it was me, but I'll never tell you where they are. And you'll never have my body either.
[Andy stands up to follow April, but feels sick and falls back down before projectile vomiting on Kyle]

Andy: My name is Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin. [funky music]
Andy: I don't know what the problem is, Sergeant. Just drain the ocean.

Andy: I don't give a crap, Batman. You work for me. Increase the perimeter!
Donna: Macklin, the President's called six times. If we don't get that guitar back, the peace in Iraq will be canceled.
Andy: Get off my back, Chief! I'm doing the best I can. I don't play by the rules. But I get results.
Donna: Dang it! You're right again, Macklin. And I'm sorry. You're the best agent I've seen. And I've worked with James Bond. This clue may help.
Andy: Mm.
Donna: It was left at the crime scene.
Andy: You're dismissed. This case just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I'm drowning in the adult end of the pool, and the lifeguard's off in the bathroom pooping. [laughter] That's good writing. Johnny Karate's guitar has been stolen. That instrument is worth literally $900 million. But more importantly, he can't play The Good-bye Song without it. So, by the time this show is over, I will find who stole it, and they will pay the ultimate price.
Perd Hapley: A one-way ticket to the Funky Monkey Dunk Tank!
Andy: All that and more, on The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show!

Andy: Leslie, wait here. Burt Macklin is on the case.
Leslie Knope: Andy.
Andy: No. Don't worry. I can do this. Believe in me!
[Andy jumps over the counter, taking a computer monitor with him]
Andy: That's broken. [runs to the back office then returns] Hold on. Leslie. Real quick. Uh, spell your last name for me.

Chris: I am scaring you!
April: I could see you. There's, like, a million mirrors in front of me. And you're never gonna make me not miss Andy, okay?
Chris: What about this? I'm Burt Macklin, friendly lifeguard.
April: Burt Macklin is not a lifeguard. He's an FBI agent.
Chris: Really? That's even harder to believe.
April: Just stop, okay? Your lame attempts at trying to cheer me up are not working. Now I'm sad that I miss Andy and sad that I can't make fun of you to Andy.
Chris: I understand. I'm sorry. I've failed you, both as a scary monster and a friend.

Ann: Oh, my God. Someone we know is pregnant? I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo!
Ann: We have to find out who this is.
Andy: Whoa, I don't think so. Burt Macklin works alone.
Ann: I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want.
Andy: Welcome to the FBI.