Andy: Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends. Everyone feeling normal... today?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Here's what happened. I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin. When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test. Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool. So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin - Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April - is pregnant! Can't be April. She would've told me. That leaves four suspects. There's only one man for this job: Burt Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong. Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ben, Tom, you stay here, stay on Joan. Get that sticker. Chris, Andy, we're gonna stay on schedule, and we're gonna do some damage control.
Andy: All right. Everybody move! Move, move, move! This entire event is under federal jurisdiction.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Unless he's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Burt Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? [chuckles] So did the president's enemies.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] We've come so far. I want this so bad, I can taste it. When I close my eyes, I can picture the flash of the cameras at my swearing in. And I can hear the sound of the applause when I take my oath. And I can see in the crowd president Obama smiling at me. He made it. I didn't think he would come, but he made it. Hey, buddy.

Andy: A few days ago, on a routine campaign stop in downtown Pawnee, one Leslie Knope - pause - was attacked - play - by a pie. Luckily, it only hit Jerry, so no damage was done. Play. The only evidence we have is a video shot by - pause - my wife, April Ludgate. This is Burt Macklin's greatest assignment yet. If you are watching, perpetrator, just know that you are still at large.

Chris: [aside to camera while cycling] This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor-- lots of disappointment, but if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.