Ben: What are-- what?
Chris: I'm the Nipple King.
Leslie Knope: Kernston's Rubber Nipple Company elects a nipple king and a nipple queen every year to ride on the float. Congratulations, Chris.
Chris: Thank you. It's such an amazing honor.
Leslie Knope: It's wonderful.
Chris: But I do need to talk to you about a float that is in this parade, because I'm not sure that you're going to be--
Female Voice: No fun for you!
Chris: Uh-oh.
Female Voice: No fun for you!
Leslie Knope: Is that me?
Ben: Maybe it's not you. Maybe it's Kate Upton.
Leslie Knope: Oh, thank you. No, it's me, and damn them.

Leslie Knope: Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, stop, please! [bangs on window] Stop! Excuse me, Pawnee. I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop your parade or anything, but I just have to say something here, okay? I don't think this is very fair!
Ben: Babe. Babe, stop wagging your finger.
Leslie Knope: Certain people are lashing out at me because of things that I did this year. But I am not trying to stop you from having fun. I am an extremely fun person.
Kathryn Pinewood: This float represents a group of over 300 business owners, individuals, and community leaders who are protesting unfair government regulation. We are the committee to recall Leslie Knope. Let's kick her out of office. Recall Knope!
All: Recall Knope! Recall Knope! Recall Knope!
Harris: Legalize weed!
All: Recall Knope! Recall Knope!

Ann: Well, Macklin, it's not Mona-Lisa. It's not me, it's not Donna, it's not Leslie. There was only one other woman at that cabin.
Andy: April? No, she would've told me. Besides, the math doesn't add up because we only have sex every single day. And since she's the only one that we haven't talked to, it has to be hers. Oh, my God.

Ben: Look, you can hate your job sometimes. It's allowed. But let me ask you this: Do you think this town is better off than it was a year ago?
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Ben: Do you stand behind everything you've done?
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Ben: Then screw 'em.

Leslie Knope: Alright, people. The Pawnee river's not gonna clean itself. Volunteer weekend task force, mobilize.
Chris: Oh, Leslie, this goes without saying, but if you need any speeches or testimonials or just general enthusiasm for your recall fight, I'm your man.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Chris.
Chris: You're welcome. I'll see you at the river. Oh, oh, oh! Last one to pick up 100 rusty cans has still accomplished a great deal.

Ann: Hey, maybe after, you wanna come meet me and Chris for a drink?
Leslie Knope: Sure. Hey, how's it going with you guys?
Ann: We're great, actually, and we're having a good time. Sex is ridiculous.
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.
Ann: Hopefully, that ridiculous sex will lead to a baby.
Leslie Knope: [sighs] I'm so happy for you. Just remember to use protection. Wait, no, don't. That would defeat the purpose. Okay, no. Do your thing.

April: Okay, a while ago, I applied to veterinary school in Bloomington, and I just found out that... I got in.
Andy: You did? That's amazing! Wait, why did you wait to tell me?
April: Because I don't even know if I wanna go, okay? I mean, yes, it's been my dream to work with animals since I was a kid and everything. But it would mean I would be spending a lot of time apart from you, and...
Andy: Oh, we could get through that. I mean, look. It would suck for a while, and I would miss you while you're gone. But as I've known about you for the past 20 seconds, this is your dream.
April: I'm really glad I married you.
Andy: Yeah, we made a good call on that one.

Tom: So I just wanted to let you know I will not be selling Rent-A-Swag. And you can go tell your client he now has 100 problems? Is it Jay-Z?
Trevor Nelsson: No. But since you're not taking the deal, I should inform you that my client will be moving on to plan B, opening his own store directly across the street from yours.
Tom: Across the street? What kind of store is it gonna be?
Trevor Nelsson: He's calling it "Tommy's Closet." It's a high-end secondhand clothing store where parents can rent clothes for their teens, tweens, and pres, as well as babies, toddlers, grown-ups, and olds.
Tom: But that's my idea and my name.
Trevor Nelsson: So I guess only Domino's is allowed to sell pizza now? It's called capitalism, Mr. Haverford, and you are about to get a free lesson. Only this free lesson is going to cost you.
Tom: So it's not free?
Trevor Nelsson: You're right. That was confusing. This lesson will cost you. Good day.
Tom: This sucks, but I have to admit: It's a pretty baller move. You sure this isn't Diddy?
Trevor Nelsson: It is Diddy.
Tom: I knew it!
Trevor Nelsson: It's not Diddy.

Andy: Are you sure everything will be all right if April goes to vet school?
Ron Swanson: There are no sure things in life, son, but you two seem pretty solid to me.
Andy: Change is good, I guess.
Ron Swanson: Not to me. Leslie's going around asking everybody if they're better off than they were a year ago. All I care about is that I'm the same. If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy.
Andy: Wait, I forgot. Who the hell is pregnant?
Ron Swanson: What?
Andy: I found a pregnancy test at your cabin, and I checked with all the girls over there. It wasn't any of them.
[Diane knocks and enters]
Ron Swanson: Hello, darling. What a surprise.
Diane: Hey. Can we talk? Maybe in private?
Andy: [gasps, looks at camera]

Tom: So, I need to ask you something and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here.
Jean-Ralphio: Please tell me that you're dumping my sister, because I will laugh-- I will laugh so much.
Tom: Actually, it may be the opposite. Is this yours?
Jean-Ralphio: No, no.
Mona-Lisa: Yeah. It's mine. I'm pregnant.
Jean-Ralphio: Lemony Snicket. Oh, my God, are you serious? I'm gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? Is that gonna happen? No, no, that's too much-- Too much responsibility for me. I gotta--I gotta find another way out of this.
Tom: Well, I wish you told me. I mean, obviously, we need to talk about our future. Maybe I could sell the business, and we could use the profits to put a down payment on a house or something, or--
Mona-Lisa: Psych!
Jean-Ralphio: What?
Mona-Lisa: [laughter] Ah, ha, ha. Look at your stupid face.
Jean-Ralphio: You had a dumdum face.