Trevor Nelsson: Tom Haverford, my name is Trevor Nelsson. I represent a client who would like to make you an offer.
Tom: Babyface heard my demo? I will accept a record deal.
Trevor Nelsson: No, you deeply misunderstand. My client has taken an interest in Rent-A-Swag. He'd like to know if you are looking to sell a controlling interest in the store.
Tom: Whoa, Diddy wants to buy Rent-A-Swag?
Trevor Nelsson: Not what I said.
Tom: This is a lot to process. Will Diddy be coming to the meeting?
Trevor Nelsson: I'm not at liberty to tell you who my client is. It would violate confidentiality.
Tom: I understand.
Trevor Nelsson: It's not Diddy.
Tom: Got it.

Andy: Oh, hello...Ann.
Ann: Oh, boy. What do you want, Macklin?
Andy: Me? Just observing. A little something they taught us down at Quantico. Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair. Wait, there is just one more question. Congratulations.
Ann: Is that a question?
Andy: It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. You're pregnant.
Ann: What? I'm not pregnant.
Andy: You're not? Damn it. Who is? 'Cause I found this at Ron Swanson's cabin. It's a pregnancy test.

Ann: Oh, my God. Someone we know is pregnant? I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo!
Ann: We have to find out who this is.
Andy: Whoa, I don't think so. Burt Macklin works alone.
Ann: I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want.
Andy: Welcome to the FBI.

Dewey: My name is Dewey from Sanitation. Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms by making us hire women, we've had to turn one of our bathrooms into a woman's bathroom. We only have one bathroom now.
Leslie Knope: I'm so sorry, Dewey. That sounds like a horrible price to pay for something as trivial as gender equality.
Dewey: So you agree.

Andy: How many people am I talking to, Donna? One or 1 and 1/9?
Donna: Are you asking me if I'm pregnant?
Andy: Oh. Interesting. I don't remember saying anything about anyone being pregnant. Are you sure it's not you?
Donna: I'm a grown woman with a good head on her shoulders. Don't worry about me.

Andy: [aside to camera] Whew. This case just got interesting. Well, not just. It was pretty interesting to begin with. This case just remained interesting.

Dennis Lerpiss: I am definitely better off than I was a year ago, and it's all thanks to Leslie Knope. This woman single-handedly saved my business.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Dennis. There you go, perfect example. No need for further questions on that one.
Kathryn Pinewood: Oh, I'm sorry. What is your business, sir?
Dennis Lerpiss: Oh, I run a pornographic DVD emporium.
Leslie Knope: Well, it used to be a quaint, little movie rental place with a lot of community value.
Herman Lerpiss: Oh, it's much better now.

Brandi Maxxxx: Leslie is the best.
Leslie Knope: No, no, Brandi. Gah, gah, gah, gah--
Brandi Maxxxx: Hello, everyone. I'm Brandi Maxxxx...
All: Hi, Brandi.
Brandi Maxxx: Star of such films as the incredible Burt Wonderbone, A Good Guy to Lay Hard, and Argo. I had a small part in Argo as well as the porn version, Our Goo.
Dennis Lerpiss: I've seen the first 90 seconds. It's thrilling.
Brandi Maxxxx: If it weren't for Leslie Knope, there would be far, far less pornography in this town.
Leslie Knope: No, what happened was there was a misunderstanding, and I accidentally got the government involved in an unseemly business, but I cleared that up, and everything's fine. It's not like I'm some kind of sex-crazed maniac or something.
Andy: Leslie, are you pregnant? Did you or did you not leave this positive pregnancy test in a dumpster in the woods? Hey, everybody.
Leslie Knope: No.

Jerry: Tom, listen to me, if there's one thing I've learned--
April: God, nobody cares, Garry.
Donna: Enough.
Tom: Thank you.
Jerry: I miss you guys.

Andy: My assistant has something she'd like to show you.
Ann: Partner.
Andy: Oh, my assistant has something she'd like to show you, partner.