Adrian Monk: Adrian Monk for Dr. Sorenson.
Receptionist: Fill this out.
Adrian Monk: It says "List any phobias."
Receptionist: That's right.
Adrian Monk: There are only five spaces.
Receptionist: You can use the back.
Adrian Monk: I might need another sheet. [receptionist hands him one] I might need another sheet. [another] I might need another sheet. [and another]

Natalie: I am not going anywhere. Look at me. Sorry. Your life is not over. You could still do anything. There've been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Adrian Monk: Like who?
Natalie: Like Ray Charles. And, um, you know...
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: You know, uh, I mean, come on. Uh... Uh... Uh... Mr. Magoo.
Adrian Monk: Who's that?
Natalie: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um... an inventor.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Adrian Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie: I don't want to talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Adrian Monk: Me neither.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was some of your old playmates trying to relive their glory days.
Adrian Monk: Maybe they missed the buzz. You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: The opera? What have you been smoking, man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smoking the truth, man!
Ron Abrash: What are you guys doing good cop, crazy cop?

Marci Maven: Oh, you are the greatest detective in the world. You are the greatest detective in the universe. You should have your own show!
Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm...
Marci Maven: You should. You have to promise me something. Will you promise me something? If you ever do get your own show, you have to promise me that you will never change the theme song. Okay?
Adrian Monk: I promise.
Marci Maven: That's the only thing. You promise?
Adrian Monk: Sure. I promise.
Marci Maven: You promise?
Adrian Monk: Good night.
[The original Monk theme tune plays as the credits roll]

Sharona: Did you call the police?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, no. They... They no longer respond to my complaints because I call them more often than I should. I'd like to complain to them about it, but they no longer respond to my complaints.

Adrian Monk: So, how long?
Dr. Malcolm Nash: Two, maybe three days. Now, you are gonna feel normal for awhile. Then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [sits down] Vomiting?
Dr. Malcolm Nash: That's right, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: Vomiting?!
Dr. Malcolm Nash: Yes, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [wails] Vomiting!
Dr. Malcolm Nash: Adrian, I really need you to focus on the last part of that sentence. There's gonna be some vomiting and then death.
Adrian Monk: Is there any chance death can come before the vomiting?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Ah, tough guy, eh? Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Lieutenant Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lieutenant Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lieutenant Disher: No, he shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lieutenant Disher: I did. It's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for god's sake, what are you two married, or what?

Prosecutor: The bullet definitely came from his gun. It's been tested by two different laboratories.
Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk confers with his lawyer]
Lawyer: With the court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

Lieutenant Disher: Did you hear anything? I mean, anybody yelling or screaming for help?
Natalie: Yeah, me. Does it ever get to you? Seeing people dead?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, it did for a while. But I got used to it.
Natalie: That must be awful. Getting used to it.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, it was pretty awful. But I got used to it. It's the worst part, you know. Getting used to it. Something you never really get used to.

Dr. Kroger: Well, maybe what they're doing makes you think about Trudy, makes you miss Trudy. It's something we've never talked about, Adrian. Your physical relationship with your late wife.
Adrian Monk: I consider that a personal question.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, it is. That's what I do. I- I assume you and Trudy were intimate.
Adrian Monk: We held hands a lot. All the time. Once we woke up holding hands. We'd been holding hands the whole night.
Dr. Kroger: That's sweet. I like that. That's nice. But, Adrian, is there anything else besides the holding hands?
Adrian Monk: Ah, I think we're out of time.
Dr. Kroger: No. Plenty of time.
Adrian Monk: Are those pillows new?
Dr. Kroger: No.
Adrian Monk: They look... new.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm your doctor. I think this is important. Now, we've got 20 minutes left. We... We could sit here, we could sing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life. It's your call.
Adrian Monk: [sings] If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer Seeing you in summer I never would go ... [singing continues] No, no, not in springtime Summer, winter or fall No, never would I leave you At all ... [checks watch, continues singing] If ever I would leave you It wouldn't be in summer