Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Jake Colbert: I've been trying to tell you. I found that coat in a dumpster. I get cold at night. I sleep in a cardboard box at the beach. My life sucks!
Adrian Monk: What are you complaining about? At least you can see.
Jake Colbert: Oh, I got plenty to complain about. Don't get me started. No, no. I've got a nine-year-old dog that needs a new kidney.
Adrian Monk: I had a bucket of acid thrown in my face. I think I win.
Jake Colbert: I haven't had a hot meal in three years.
Adrian Monk: My wife is dead.
Jake Colbert: So is mine.
Adrian Monk: Car bomb?
Jake Colbert: Pneumonia.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, car bomb or pneumonia?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't know.
Jake Colbert: Yeah, I bet your wife didn't suffer.
Adrian Monk: Trudy lived for 20 minutes in pain, alone. Y- You're an amateur. Come back when you got something. Who's next? Come on. Anybody. You're looking at the most miserable man on Earth. Oh, hey, you. How 'bout you? How 'bout you? You want a piece of me? I'll take you all on at the same time. I can't lose! I- I can't lose.

Natalie: This is my boss. This is Adrian Monk. Principal Franklin.
Principal Franklin: Oh, yes. We met last year at the career day. How've you been?
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: I'm sorry to hear that.

Adrian Monk: Ah, this brings back memories. Sitting in the principal's office.
Natalie: You? I can't picture you being sent to the principal's office.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't sent. I used to go there on my own. To report on the troublemakers. I was Mr. Kantman's eyes and ears. That's what he called me.
Natalie: So you spied on other kids?
Adrian Monk: I was keeping the study hall safe for people like you. You're welcome.

Julie Teeger: Is this a bad time?
Adrian Monk: Yes, it is.
Emily C.: Should we come back?
Adrian Monk: No, it's always a bad time.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You solved the case?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, take a look, take a little look. This was stapled to a telephone pole that was right in front of us the whole time. He's the guy!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's the guy?
Lieutenant Disher: Alice Cooper?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you telling us that Alice Cooper, the rock star, killed Jimmy Cusack?
Adrian Monk: First off, I don't think Alice Cooper is his real name. Take a closer look. He is sitting in an antique wingback chair. The same kind of chair Jimmy Cusack was sitting in when he was killed. Check this out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Check out the date. April 5th. Monday night. Same night as the murder. Coincidence?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, coincidence.
Adrian Monk: Ah, no. No, we were- We were looking at this case all wrong. 'Cause it never was about Cusack. It was never about the garbage strike. And it was never about the Sanitation Union. It was about the chair. The antique chair. The antique wingback Cusack chair! Here's what happened. It is no secret that rock and roll stars collect antiques. Especially antique chairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: Alice Cooper must have read about Jimmy Cusack's handcrafted wingback chair. He was consumed with envy! He was consumed with resentment! Alice had to possess the fairest antique wingbackchair in all the land.
Lieutenant Disher: Should I be writing this down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Adrian Monk: It's true. Alice Cooper is a hippie. But he's the bad kind of hippie. He's the kind of hippie that breaks into people's offices and beats them up and shoots them in the head. Why? To steal their antique chairs.
Lieutenant Disher: Why didn't he take the chair?
Adrian Monk: Hello! It had a bullet hole in it. It had blood on it. He didn't want it anymore.
Lieutenant Disher: He could have washed it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. I don't think we need to stand here and pick apart the Alice-Cooper-wants an-antique-chair theory.
Adrian Monk: If you will excuse me, I have a city to clean. One bag at a time! One bag at a time. One bag at a time. One bag at a time.

Lieutenant Disher: Uh, yeah, the victim's daughter was in here. She did a quick inventory. Said the guy took some cash from the register, maybe 35 bucks, the Smith and Wesson and a wristwatch.
Adrian Monk: A wristwatch?
David Ruskin: Why would he take only one?
Adrian Monk: Why wouldn't he just take everything in the case?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he was probably in a hurry. He was afraid someone heard the shot.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no. It's clear from the footprints that he came here first. But he took the cheapest watch in the case. Look, $72. Why would he take the cheapest one and leave all the others? He must have been after that particular watch.
David Ruskin: Wow. [chuckles] Wow. That's like...
Adrian Monk: It's a gift and a curse.
David Ruskin: [laughs] I love it!
Captain Stottlemeyer: He says that all the time.
David Ruskin: He does? I love that! It's a gift and a curse.

Lieutenant Disher: Who's playing me? Anybody lined up? Is there any word from casting?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm thinking Brad Pitt. I mean, if it's in the budget. It's always about the budget.

Natalie: Good morning. Picked up your mail. What is going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm having fun. I love this stuff.
Natalie: Yeah, so I see.
Adrian Monk: You know, I usually don't like shaking hands, but I ever met the man invented Tupperware, I would shake his hand.
Natalie: I think he might be dead.
Adrian Monk: Well, I would still shake his hand, because he's probably perfectly preserved. All right, look. It's virtually airtight. Look at this.

Natalie: Oh, highlights for children. Oh, find the hidden picture. I used to love these. Where is the egg beater?
Adrian Monk: It's under the sled.
Natalie: You're right.
Adrian Monk: And the umbrella is in the cloud above the snowman. And the fish is next to the ice skate.
Natalie: Okay, how are you doing that?
Adrian Monk: I read that same issue 35 years ago. It was in the... It was in the dentist's office.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, this is Randy we're talking about. He would do anything for you.
Adrian Monk: And I would do anything for him except this, Natalie. I can't do it. I have a thing about dentists.
Natalie: You have a thing about everything.
Adrian Monk: That's true, but dentists are in a separate category altogether, okay? I can't even discuss it. I can't even think about discussing it. I can't even talk about thinking about discussing it.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, everybody's afraid of dentists.
Adrian Monk: Not like this. Not like this.
Natalie: Okay, okay, okay. How afraid are you? On a scale of 1 to 10.
Adrian Monk: Ha, 10? I am so far beyond 10, I laugh at your 10s. I lie awake at night dreaming about 10s. The chair and the probing and the drilling and the rinsing.