Lt. Plato: If it's any consolation, your friend showed great courage. After he was run over, he crawled inch by inch through the mud and garbage trying to get help.
Sharona: He crawled through what?
Lt. Plato: Mud and garbage.
Sharona: He's not dead.
Capt. Alameda: Pardon me?
Sharona: It's not him!
Capt. Alameda: Senorita, your friend is gone.
Sharona: It's not him. Maybe it's the guy that stole our suitcases?
Lt. Plato: How can you be sure?
Sharona: Adrian Monk would die before he'd crawl through mud and garbage.
Capt. Alameda: But he was dying.
Sharona: You don't understand.

Adrian Monk: I'm so worried about Shelby. She's been acting strangely. Look at her. She hasn't eaten all day.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe she witnessed the murder. She saw Dewitt kill Amanda and now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lieutenant Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the state of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe Dewitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What, change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lieutenant Disher: You know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired, I don't know if that even makes any sense.

Natalie: Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.
Sharona: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona: Or the sound machine with that fog horn noises.
Natalie: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona: Really? What did you do?
Natalie: I went out and bought an actual fog horn and made my own tape. I'm not kidding. I have an actual fog horn sitting in my garage.

Natalie: But they weren't alone. The caddy was there.
Sharona: The caddy saw the whole thing.
Adrian Monk: That's the beauty of it. It was a perfect plan.
Sharona: I don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I'll tell you later.
Sharona: No, you have to tell me now. Say "Here's what happened."
Adrian Monk: Well, he's right there.
Sharona: Just tell me. Say "Here's what happened."

Sharona: I thought at the most they were gonna offer me five to ten grand, but this is real money. This will pay for Benjy's college. Not just community college. Any college. He can go anywheres that he wants.
Natalie: Sharona, that is so great. I mean, congratulations! I'm sorry about the circumstance.
Sharona: Oh, no, no, it's okay. I only met the guy twice. Oh, my God. Is this what good luck feels like? I mean, because I never actually had it, you know?
Adrian Monk: Huh.
Natalie: What? Is there a problem?
Adrian Monk: There's something wrong here.
Sharona: Don't you say that. Don't find anything, because if this is not an accident, then they're not responsible, and then they don't have to pay. Do you understand?
Adrian Monk: Right. Okay...
Sharona: No, I want you to stop looking at this. It was an accident, okay? Say it was an accident. No, I want you to say it was an accident! [sighs] I know that look. I remember that look. I hate that look.

Adrian Monk: Natalie, look at this thing. We've got nature on the run. Finally. Look at that. Look! It's the perfect sandwich! Perfect! There's no overlap. There's no waste. Four 90 degree angles. This will virtually eliminate indigestion.
Natalie: Are you going to help me, or not?
Adrian Monk: You can taste the symmetry!
Natalie: Please!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't run around looking for a stolen bicycle. I still have some pride left. Not much. But my dignity tank isn't completely empty.

Adrian Monk: He is carrying something. Could be St. Christopher. He's the patron saint of travelers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. Likes to travel.
Adrian Monk: What is that, a lion?
Lieutenant Disher: Zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo... zookeeper! A traveling, dancing zookeeper.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is not a game show, Randy.
Natalie: Well, it could be an astrological sign. So she's a leo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A leo.
Adrian Monk: What is that? Looks like a ruby.
Natalie: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: Rubies, so that's jewelry. She makes jewelry. She's a dancing zookeeper's daughter who makes jewelry!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay! I'm making an announcement. If our suspect turns out to be a dancing zookeeper's daughter who makes jewelry, I'm gonna retire.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

Dr. Kroger: Relax, Harold. Just take it easy. You'll be okay. We're gonna get a doctor. We'll get a doctor.
Adrian Monk: How's he doing?
Dr. Kroger: He's gonna be okay. Did you see what he did? He took a bullet for me, Adrian.
Harold Krenshaw: Monk. Monk. Come here. Closer. [whispers] Beat that.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie: Yeah, it's okay. That's not gonna give her enough time. It's all right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Natalie: Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the 49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding?
Natalie: Yeah. Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie: Okay. You're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no, I'm sure we could make that work.
Natalie: Oh, great. Because I lied. But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks.