Dr. Kroger: You know, Captain, the amnesia that you're describing to me is actually quite rare.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe. But it's all we got. I have no body. He hasn't contacted us. He hasn't contacted Natalie.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, and we've notified every hospital in the country, there's no sign of him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Doctor, if I'm right and Monk is out there and he doesn't know who he is, what can we expect?
Dr. Kroger: From a psychological stand point, we'd be in uncharted territory. Adrian would be in a complete dissociative state. He would be like a pilot who's flying in the fog without any instruments.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's gotta be scared to death.
Dr. Kroger: But in a weird way, if he's not seriously hurt, this could actually help him. You see, Adrian has always had a problem detaching, looking at himself objectively. So if you're right, he could be out there right now meeting himself for the very first time.
Lieutenant Disher: He's meeting himself?
Dr. Kroger: Uh-huh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That can't be good.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Feeling better?
Adrian Monk: Where are we?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's called a fabrication room. This is where they assemble their new circuit boards. I know the guy in charge of their security. He owed me a favor.
Adrian Monk: I can't smell anything.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right. They have their own oxygen supply. It is 100% germ free.
Adrian Monk: Germfree?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, you are sitting in the cleanest room in the world.
Adrian Monk: It's quiet too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [sighs] Yeah. Well. We haven't got all day. They're kicking us out at 2:00. So, why don't we just kick back and enjoy ourselves. [takes out a yoyo]
Adrian Monk: I can feel my head. Clearing up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's good.

Bob Costas: Where's Adrian?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, he's outside. He's workin' the case. He can't give it up.
Bob Costas: Oh, that's just like him. The monomaniacal Mr. Monk. Did he ever tell you how we met?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, not really. He mentioned something about a demented cat salesman.
Bob Costas: Well, no, that's not it exactly. There's a distinction here, and it's really. It's fascinating. The cat salesman was not demented. He sold demented cats. No, no, but really, understand. He had a Siamese who was manic-depressive. He had a paranoid Persian. The guy tried to sell me a calico kitten who was completely psychotic. Evil! I mean, it tried to kill me. The kitten tried to kill me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, nice game though, huh?
Bob Costas: It's a great game. He had a Burmese. Multiple personalities. One of which was a dog. That's how weird it was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not really a cat person.
Bob Costas: Well, it's... These are the facts. I'm just tellin' ya.

Adrian Monk: What do you think?
Sharona: I think you should do it. The captain's gonna testify in front of the review board tomorrow. This may be good help.
Adrian Monk: I agree, but let's stay here a minute, make it look like it's a tough decision.
Sharona: Okay. What should we talk about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. How's Benjy?
Sharona: He's good.
Adrian Monk: What grade is he in now?
Sharona: Fifth.
Adrian Monk: Fifth grade.
Sharona: Failing math. It's driving me crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We can hear you.

Lieutenant Disher: There's more.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And would you like to share it with us, Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: The shooter abandoned the car in a parking lot. There was a security camera. We got a picture of him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's it? They can't clean that up?
Lieutenant Disher: It is cleaned up. I mean, he was 50 feet away. Should I release it to the press?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Honey? Okay, look. The next voice you hear is going to be Adrian Monk's, okay? And whatever he says, we're going to accept it, right? No questions asked. Okay. Adrian Monk. Have you studied the room?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: He... was murdered. He was murdered, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it!
Adrian Monk: The walker is in the middle of the room. H-How could Mr. Holling have made it to the bed? Plus, there's no way a man of his height could have reached over the dresser to pull down those shades.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart, I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm setting the alarm to 8:00. Eight-oh-oh. Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, I'm setting the clock ahead seven minutes, so really, I'll be getting up at 7:53. Now we're both happy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but...
Captain Stottlemeyer: You come in here again, Monk, and I'll shoot ya.

Hiram Hollings: My father was 114. Now, that is old, but it is still too young. Do you understand?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Hiram Hollings: If you find that bastard, do me one favor. I want five minutes alone with him in the room.
Lieutenant Disher: When was the last time you saw your father?
Hiram Hollings: Two months. U-Unless you mean, on the TV. Oh, they used him a lot on the TV. He wrote a book! They even put it in a time capsule.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did your father have any enemies?
Hiram Hollings: No, not unless you you're talkin' about the phone calls.
Lieutenant Disher: Phone calls?
Hiram Hollings: Yeah, they started about a few weeks ago. Somebody started callin' my daddy in the middle of the night. At all hours.
Lieutenant Disher: What did they say?
Hiram Hollings: "You're a dead man. Oh, I'm gonna kill you."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Pull the phone records.
Hiram Hollings: Oh, I do hope you find that bastard. 114. Now that's old, but it's still too young. You know what I mean? He was still my daddy. And I was still his baby.

Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's the guy? [Monk signals to the comatose patient] Him? Monk, he's a vegetable. He's not even a vegetable. He hopes one day to be a vegetable.

Adrian Monk: What happened here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just a carjacking, Monk. A woman was killed. We can handle it.
Adrian Monk: They didn't take her purse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just a punk kid out for a joyride. Look, Monk, we're gonna try to crack this one ourselves, just for the novelty of it, okay?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't make any sense. Why this car? It doesn't even have a tape player.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It runs. It's a convertible. That's all the reason they need. Oh, no.
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, it's nothing.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, just the barricades are a mess. They're uneven.
Adrian Monk: You're trying to get rid of me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I'm not. Look at the one on the right. It's in the ditch.
Adrian Monk: I know what you're doing. It's It's not gonna work.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The one in the middle is all farkakte.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me.