TV Quotes

Adrian Monk: Okay, uh, here's the thing, Mr. Mayor. Even if I do find the man who killed Jimmy Cusack, even if the strike ends tomorrow, it's not gonna solve the big problem.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: What problem is that?
Adrian Monk: Your Honor, we have got to... You've got to face facts. The city is ruined forever. It's a total loss. Even if we clean up all the garbage tomorrow, we'll never get the stink out. It's like the dining room carpet when the cat makes a... a B.M. on there. I mean, what do you? You don't have any choice really. You gotta replace the carpet! You gotta- You gotta get rid of the cat. And you can never eat in that dining room again, can you? No, you can't. But, I do have a plan. I have a plan.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, good.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. It just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city. Every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two! We burn it down We just burn it. Scorched earth. Then, just to be safe, we collect all the ashes. And what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three. We bring everybody back and we start over. Think of it. Just think of it. We rebuild San Francisco. From scratch. Start fresh. Everything clean. Everything brand-new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot. We can even straighten out Lombard Street while we're at it.

Adrian Monk: Ah, I've done it again. Made the situation worse. [sighs] The union wants the mayor indicted for murder. The mayor's denying everything. And I haven't slept in nine days. [garbage bag drops in the background] It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We lived 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash bags. Piling up outside. Higher and higher... Until we couldn't leave the house. We were buried alive. [another bag falls] And now, it's coming true. Dr. Kroger?
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?
Adrian Monk: [chortles] ... No.
Dr. Kroger: See, I've been getting boxes of trash sent to me in the mail.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't deny it. It's all sorted according to color and food groups. It's your handwriting on the label. It's upsetting my wife. It's upsetting my children. And I want it to stop. Adrian, do you hear me? [a flurry of bags drop] I want it to stop!
Adrian Monk: I want it to stop too.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? I'm gonna ask the Mayor to give you a medal for what you did. And then I'm gonna ask the Mayor to take that medal back. Because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.

Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!