Paris: Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.
Rory: Oh, good, thanks.
Paris: Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?
Rory: No.
Paris: Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity. A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.
Rory: Okay, well, thanks again.

Paris: Remember my nanny? I lost her over the summer.
Rory: I'm sorry, what happened?
Paris: She opened a pupuseria in Boise.
Rory: So she's okay?
Paris: Yeah, but I was pretty lost. Then my rabbi conferred with my therapist who said a hypnotist he knew thought a life coach would be right for me, and that led me to Terrence. He's here to assist me with whatever I need assistance in, from wardrobe to diet to finding me a kick-ass gynecologist.
Rory: That's great, Paris, really.
Paris: He's done so much for my people skills. I can cope with the little annoyances now. [to Tana] For instance, the old Paris would've been bothered by your penchant to hover. It would've made her wanna ring your neck until your eyeballs popped out.
Tana: Oh.
Paris: But now, I accept it because I can't control everything. Paris Gellar.

Paris: Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the gunships and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.

Paris: When you boil it down, isn't the whole Israeli-Palestinian problem a case of sibling rivalry?
Professor Freedman: Follow up?
Paris: The Old Testament, it's all there. Israelis are descendants of Abraham and Sarah. Arabs are descendants of Abraham and his maid Hagar. So Israelis and Arabs both have the same dad, and both want the great nation God promised Abraham. They might as well be fighting over who gets the TV remote.

Rory: So, you're just sitting here watching TV?
Paris: I'm studying. Look at Ted Kennedy, huh? I always admired him as a senator, but you see him and think: It's just so unfair that fat men look good in suits. We girls get a couple of pounds and every piece of fashion betrays us.

Paris: [on the phone] Asher's dead.
Rory: What?
Paris: He died two weeks ago in Oxford.
Rory: Oh. Paris, I'm sorry. How?
Paris: Heart attack. It was quick.
Rory: Heart attack?
Paris: Yes.
Rory: Um... It wasn't during, um... was it?
Paris: No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina, okay?

Rory: Wow.
Paris: I moved some things around. I also switched our rooms. Now, mine may seem bigger, but yours gets less sun, so you don't have to worry about melanoma.

Paris: I packed my bags and was on the road before I remembered that parents don't own property in the United States anymore.
Rory: Since when?
Paris: Since the IRS red-foxed my father. The place in Asylum Hill, the Nantucket cottage - even the crack-house in Harlem that we converted into a co-op was sold to one of the Queer Eye guys.
Rory: Where'd they go?
Paris: They're going to wire me when they're safe.

Paris: I'm meeting more of Doyle's family tonight. I've been meeting people for months. He's got, like, five hundred cousins. And you know what? He's the tallest one in the family.
Rory: Really?
Paris: Yep. Family get-together is like a Lollipop Guild Convention. I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the chocolate factory.
Rory: Good, good. Get it all out now.

Paris: I need her to be at Yale. Rory has been my only real competition since she showed up at Chilton. She's the only one who has ever challenged me. She's my pace car. She's my Bjorn Borg. Without her, I'll get lazy. I'll fall apart. I'll have frosted hair and dragon-lady nails and I'll achieve nothing. I'll become my mother.
Lorelai: Paris, listen to me. You are a very smart, driven young lady. You can be anything you want. Except a diplomat. You don't need Rory to push you.
Paris: Rory's my only friend. She stays in the room until I'm completely done saying something. I need that.