Lorelai: Would you like some coffee? How strong do you like your coffee? 'Cause I've built up such a tolerance to it, I make it too intense for most people.

Lorelai: Rory, my heart, it is Saturday, the day of rest.
Rory: Sunday is the day of rest.
Lorelai: No, Saturday is the day of pre-rest.
Rory: Pre-rest?
Lorelai: Yeah, so that way when you actually get to Sunday you're rested enough to enjoy your rest.
Rory: That makes absolutely no sense.
Lorelai: That's because it's 6:00 on Saturday morning.

Lorelai: So, what about dinner?
Rory: It should probably be something healthy, since we've been eating junk.
Lorelai: We had lettuce on our burgers last night.
Rory: We picked it off.
Lorelai: But it left its essence.
Rory: There's lettuce essence on our burgers?
Lorelai: Definitely.
Rory: And that satisfied our vegetable requirement?
Lorelai: For the week.
Rory: We can't argue with cold, hard facts.

Rory: This is your first deposition. Grandma's lawyers just want you to be prepared.
Lorelai: Sample questions, great. It's bad enough I have to give a deposition, now I have to study for it?
Rory: Shall we begin?
Lorelai: Go ahead.
Rory: Please describe how your mother runs her household.
Lorelai: Okay. Well, do you remember the rowing scene in Ben Hur?
Rory: Mom.
Lorelai: I'm sorry, did that reference date me? Should I have gone with the "Express Yourself" video?

Luke: You ate the cookie, and then you took a cookie out of the box and put it where the cookie you just ate was.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Luke: Well, that's nuts.
Lorelai: Rory made this for me, I don't wanna ruin it.
Luke: Then why'd you eat the cookie?
Lorelai: 'Cause I wanted a Mallomar.
Luke: But why didn't you just eat one out of the box?
Lorelai: 'Cause this one was right here. The box was all the way in the cupboard.
Luke: But you had to go to the cupboard to get the box to replace the cookie you ate off the table.
Lorelai: So?

Lorelai: Ooh, I'll put it on the computer and then superimpose an important person standing next to you, seeing you off. Like Kissinger or Lady Bird Johnson or Pat Summerall or something.
Rory: Pat Summerall?
Lorelai: You think of somebody better.
Rory: Orson Welles.
Lorelai: It can't be a dead person.
Rory: Pat Summerall's dead.
Lorelai: No, he's not.
Rory: Pat Summerall is dead.
Lorelai: No, I'm telling you, he's not. Lady Bird Johnson is dead.
Rory: No, she's not.
Lorelai: How much you wanna bet?
Rory: Five bucks.
Lorelai: Let's google him right now.

Lorelai: I've had a business epiphany. It's like I'm Bud Fox, saying, "Thanks for the lesson, Mr. Gekko."
Luke: This will pass, folks.
Lorelai: The Lorelai you knew is dead. Remember her? The eager to please, fresh of face? She thought that success in business meant working hard, applying yourself, and respecting your coworkers, and she preached that to others. Oh, little child.
Luke: You should probably get some rest.
Lorelai: It's about scratching backs, my friend, and kissing things. I won't be graphic.
Luke: It is Sunday morning.
Lorelai: It's dirty, that's what business is. It's smoke-filled back rooms with exposed pipes and shady players chewing on fat cigars and twirling their dirty mustaches. And when you go into those rooms, you can't be a milquetoast muppet. You have to have pointy teeth and jaws that snap. The meek shall not inherit the earth!
Luke: Thanks for the perspective.

Lorelai: Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I'm looking for heroes.

Rory: What is going on here?
Lorelai: What are you talking about? I'm trying to get her to fess up to the separation.
Rory: Not you. Me! Am I cloaked in loneliness or something? Everybody has been pestering me about my love life this week.
Lorelai: That was not about you. It was about evading my questions. It's a classic Sun Tzu Art of War maneuver. If you're being attacked from the east, attack whoever's to your west, and you were the west. I never read the book. It's full of crap like that.

Lorelai: I just figured, you know, we'd go to Luke's for breakfast.
Luke: Why?
Lorelai: Because I like Luke's breakfast.
Luke: I am Luke.
Lorelai: I know.
Luke: And this is the same stuff I make at the diner.
Lorelai: I know.
Luke: So what's the difference?
Lorelai: Well, the difference is, while you are Luke, we're not at Luke's.
Luke: So?
Lorelai: Well, I have my things, you know? I have certain things. And one of my things is going to Luke's. And just because I now have "Dating Luke" doesn't mean I want to lose my "Cooking Luke."
Luke: But I am cooking, and I am Luke.