Best ‘Everybody Hates Chris’ Quotes Page 1 of 25
Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and found out I lost $10. And Vanessa, my so-called friend, would only curl half my hair. Did you see my money laying around here somewhere?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Here's how that sounded to my father.
Rochelle: I went to the beauty parlor and discovered that I lost my $10. [garbled babbling] Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.
Julius: You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father always worked two jobs, which made my mother so comfortable, she'd quit her job over anything.
[flashback to Rochelle as a waitress:]
Woman: Check, please?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I mean anything.
Rochelle: Now, do I look like I have your check? All that hollering at people. I don't need this. My husband has two jobs. I don't need to be here right now.
[flashback to Rochelle as a receptionist:]
Man: Hold my calls.
Rochelle: Who are you hollering at? "Hold my calls." Hold your own damn call! I do not need this! My man has two jobs!
Julius: I know you're not gonna threw that away. Eat that. That's 30 cents worth of oatmeal.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father always knew what everything costs.
Julius: [retrieving a chicken wing from the trash] That's $1.09 in the trash.
Julius: [next to a tray of burnt biscuits] That's $2 on fire.
Julius: That's 49 cents of spilled milk dripping all over my table. Somebody's gonna drink this milk.
Julius: Well, what's the job?
Mr. Omar: Well, my assistant died today.
Julius: Oh, no. What happened?
Mr. Omar: Well, he went to a dollar theater to watch the movie Airplane, when ironically, a chemical toilet fell out of an airplane, crashed through the roof and crushed him. Tragic. Tragic!
Mr. Omar: You hit on 17?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What Mr. Omar didn't know was that when it came to numbers, Drew was like my father.
Drew: Wow, that's 562,002 granules of sugar.
Drew: Wow, that's 357,000 raindrops.
Drew: Wow, that's one cupcake.
Mr. Perkins: Can I have their fathers' names?
Rochelle: Ju...? Their fathers? No, no, no. They have one father.
Mr. Perkins: Do you know his name?
Rochelle: Where are you getting this information?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'll tell you where he's getting it.
[flashback: Ms. Morello addresses the camera in her class room:]
Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says. [drinks chocolate milk]
Chris: It wasn't me. I go to Corleone Junior High. I got the cookies from school, and I'm just selling them so I can go on some trip to Washington, DC. And I did not steal them. I was just saying that so people would want to buy them.
Russo: You go to Corleone? What are you the only Black kid there? Nice try. There was an eyewitness, and you fit the profile, cookie boy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I may have only been 13, but I already knew how racial profiling worked. This is what the witness said...
Man: He was a Black male, medium complexion, about 6'4, 230 pounds. He had brown eyes. Um, he was wearing a Scout uniform with a yellow beanie, and he had on dark pants, and size 14 dark shoes. And, uh, a birthmark on the back of his left wrist. Oh, and... And he walked with a limp.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But this is what the cop heard...
Man: Um, he was Black, and, uh, Black, Black, and Black. Um, Black, Black, and he Black, Black, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, uh, he had, uh, Black, Black, Black, Black. And, oh, a Black. Yeah. And, uh, he walked with a Black.
Chris: I was hoping you could give me an allowance.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he heard.
Chris: Since you work like a slave all day and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it?
Julius: I'm not giving you money for walking around doing nothing. An allowance? I'll allow you to sleep here at night. I'll allow you to eat them potatoes. I'll allow you to use my lights. I'll allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I'll allow you to nibble on them green beans. I'll allow you to look at that TV. I'll allow you to run up my gas bill. I'll allow you to walk up my stairs. I'll allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh? I'm finished.
Chris: I was talking to Greg and he said that he gets five dollars a week.
Julius: Sounds like Greg's doing better than me. Ask him for an allowance. You want to buy a leather coat, you need to get a leather-coat job.
Man: So we all bought houses on the Vineyard. Ah, let me tell you, weekends at the Inkwell in the summer are amazing.
Julius: Oh, really? So you bought another house, in another state, so you can get in the car with your wife and kids and drive eight hours so you can hang out with the same people you hang out with during the week? That is amazing.
Drew: I don't know how you can stand being around all those dead people.
Julius: I love it. It makes you realize that life is short. Anything can happen at any time. A toilet could fall out of the sky and crush you. A bus door could clamp on your neck and choke you. A poisonous lizard could escape from the zoo and bite you. You could fall off a bridge and drown. [3 hours later] And you could trip and fall in front of a power mower and be decapitated. [1:00 a.m.] [on the phone] You could be smoking a cigarette and blow up while siphoning 65 cents worth of glass. And you could eat some bad coleslaw and get diarrhea and die of dehydration. [the next morning] You could step in a puddle and be electrocuted by a downed wire. You could blow your nose and startle a cat with rabies...
Rochelle: Okay, okay, we get it! We can die at any time, and you're happy!
Julius: That's right.