Tonya: So I'm getting fired for being honest?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It happened to Don Imus. It could happen to you.
Rochelle: I'm sorry, but yes.
Tonya: You know what? I don't need this mess! My father has two jobs!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Deja vu. My mother would have snatched the naps out of Tonya's head, but at that moment, she was just too proud.

Mr. Omar: Um, I was wondering had you rented my apartment yet.
Julius: You forgot to say, "bald-headed skinflint."
Mr. Omar: Yeah. About that, I just wanted to say I'm very sorry.
Julius: Whatever. What difference is it to you whether I rented the place anyway? Won't you be dead?
Mr. Omar: Uh, no, no. Uh, turned out, there was a mistake. I got Mr. Watkins' prognosis, and he got mine.
Julius: Who is Mr. Watkins?
Mr. Omar: He's the guy that's dying instead of me. [chuckles] Yeah, misdiagnosed with a terminal condition by a doctor with a nearsighted nurse. Tragic. Tragic!

Chris: Well, nobody wakes me up. Nobody puts chocolate on my pillow. If I took a half-hour shower singing "That's What Friends Are For," and you had to pee, you would smack the crack out of my behind.
Rochelle: Okay, watch yourself, boy.

Greg: Dude, this is bad.
Chris: Tell me something I don't know.
Greg: The estimated weight of the earth is six sextillion tons.
Chris: Greg, that was a rhetorical question.
Greg: Sorry. I told you this was going to happen. Chris, there's only one way out.
Chris: And what's that?
Greg: We can disguise you as a Dominican. You'll speak Spanish and move to the Bronx. We'll call you Salvador Armando Guillermo Sanchez Garcia Morales. You'll never see your family again, but you won't have to pick any more games.
Chris: Or I could just pick the wrong team and everybody will think I'm a loser again and then nobody will ask me to pick anymore.
Greg: You could try that, too.

Ms. Morello: Chris, I'm sorry for shushing you. I know your people can't help talking in the movies.

Maxine: Mmm. Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
Chris: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I might be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.
Maxine: Are you going to sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
[fantasy: Chris sits on a couch with a White family:]
Mother: Who are you?
Chris: You don't want to know.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As much as my mother complains about housework, she hated to have somebody else do it. And after my father got his job back, she got to do one of the things she does best...
[cut to Rochelle in the office:]
Rochelle: File your own damn papers. I do not need this. My husband has two jobs.

Julius: There is no kid.
Rochelle: How do you know, Julius? You didn't even know that you didn't have a divorce! Oh, my God. W-W-W--W-W-What's going to happen to this family if it turns out there's another one?
[fantasy: as the kids eat at the dinner table, Julius is standing next to a blonde-haired White woman and a young, bald-headed multi-racial guy:]
Julius: Kids, I'd like to introduce you to your new mother Tawny and your new brother Julian.
Julian: Girl, you just wasted $2.17 worth of white meat.
Julius: [chuckles] My boy.

Rochelle: You know, Julius, you know how much a light bulb costs per watt. How can you not know that you have another wife?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because those things are less complicated.
Julius: I do not have another wife.
Rochelle: Yes, you do! Look, look, look. It says so right there! You know what? What I want to know is, if she's your wife, then what am I?
Julius: You're my wife.
Rochelle: No! I'm your concubine!

Mr. Omar: Hey, aloha, Mr. Julius.
Julius: You can't have all these people in the hallway.
Mr. Omar: What you gonna do about it? I'm dying.
Julius: Mr. Omar, these people are turning my house into a fire hazard.
Mr. Omar: Well, with all that asbestos in the walls and ceiling, you ain't got to worry about no fire. It's the asthma that's gonna kill you.
Julius: Excuse me?
Mr. Omar: You're cheap! You're a bald-headed, penny-pinching skinflint.
Julius: Watch yourself, Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: What's to watch?! I'm dying.