Clare: You said we failed!
Sister Michael: I didn't say you failed. I implied you failed.
Clare: Why?
Sister Michael: Bit of a slow day.

Jon: She's coming!
Erin: Who?
Jon: The woman. The small, angry penguin woman.
Clare: Sister Michael!
Michelle: Shit!
Erin: Oh, good evening, Sister. We just popped round because we had a few questions about the British Empire, which the boys have cleared up for us now so...
Jenny: They weren't talking about the British Empire, Sister. They were having a party. I could hear the music.
Sister Michael: You will go far in life, Jenny. But you will not be well liked.

Sister Michael: As you all know, at the beginning of term, the bishop graciously bestowed a beautiful piece of religious art onto our lady immaculate college. The Enchanting Child of Prague. There we are. Sure, isn't he a great fella altogether?
James: I still don't get what it's supposed to be.
Michelle: It's Jesus as a wain.
James: Why has he got a big red hat on?
Michelle: Nobody knows.
Sister Michael: It was the bishop's wish that he be passed around all the schools in the Derry Diocese. Therefore, we are joined this morning by Mr. Malone, headmaster of St. Benedict's, so that the handover ceremony can take place. You're very welcome, Mr. Malone. Though I fear you may have had a wasted journey. I've thought about it, and I'd much rather just hold on to him, actually. He brightens up my office. He doesn't answer back. I like the fella. And if the bishop has a problem with that, he can take it up with me.

Sister Michael: Thank you. Thank you, girls. Some lovely sentiments there. Some very beautiful words. Unfortunately, that's all they are, sentiments and words. What you've just witnessed is a piece of fiction. The reality, I'm sorry to say, is much harsher, far more brutal. So let me take this opportunity to advise all our new girls to keep their guard up. Watch their back. [microphone feedback] Oh, speaking of pupils who need to watch their back, I'd like to introduce James Maguire. Show yourself, please, James. [James raises his hand] James will be the first ever boy to study here at Our Lady Immaculate College. [wolf whistle from the audience] He was due to start at Christian Brother Boys, but there were serious concerns for his safety because, well, unfortunately, James happens to be English. [laughter] But let me make one thing clear... I will not have a repeat of the Mr. Mullin affair. Is that understood?
James: [to Michelle] What's the Mr. Mullin affair?
Michelle: Student teacher. Two fourth-years cable-tied him to the monkey bars and started dry riding him. He was really good-looking, so you've nothing to worry about.

Sister Michael: Before I dismiss you for the weekend, a few announcements. On Monday morning, several of our Year 13s will face their GCSE maths resit. Now, I know how daunting resit examinations can be, so if anyone is feeling anxious or worried, or even if you just want to chat, please, please, do not come crying to me. Let me see, what else?
Michelle: [to herself] Come on, come on, come on to fuck!
Sister Michael: Notice from Mr. McCauley. This year's destination for the Euro Trotters trip will be dramatic pause... Did you actually want me to do the dramatic pause? [Mr. McCauley nods] Interesting. Paris, it's going to be Paris. If you need any further information, there is a stall in the foyer. Sadly, I am unable to come on this one as I despise the French. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Sister Michael: Can I have your attention, please, ladies? Get down. Get down. I've just received a phone call from Louise Kerr's mother, and it's not looking great.
Jenny: Oh, God, I just can't believe it.
Sister Michael: It's unlikely she'll be returning to school before the end of the year, so I think the only thing we
can do now is...
Aisling: Pray for her?
Sister Michael: No. What use would that do?

Sister Michael: What's going on?
Jenny: Erin Quinn and her friends are handing out their magazine. They're ignoring the ban, Sister. You need to put a stop to it. [Sister Michael turns and walks away] Sister, didn't you hear me?
Sister Michael: Do you know what, Jenny? I don't think I did. [grabs a copy]

Orla: Oh, my God, Erin, snap! Look, an A, four Bs, three Cs, and a D!
Erin: What?! Let me see that, that can't be right. How? How have you got the same results as me? This can't be right!
Mary: Christ, you don't think there's been some sort of a mix-up, do you?
Sister Michael: Orla just does really well at exams, despite the fact she obviously, you know... is subnormal.
Orla & Aunt Sarah: Aaw!
Aunt Sarah: Thank you, Sister.

[Sister Michael stops her Delorean and opens the bat-wing door to talk to a man stood in front of a house]
Sister Michael: How are you, Jackie?
Jackie: [answers in Irish]
Sister Michael: Thank you. Though she's at peace now, at least.
Jackie: [responds in Irish]
Sister Michael: She was a bit of an arsehole all right, that's true enough. [Sheila walks out] Ah, it's herself. How are you keeping, Sheila?
Sheila: Chonaic me an diabhal amhain!
Sister Michael: Oh, for the love of God, Sheila. You did not see the devil that night. Well, you may have, but only because you were absolutely flying on the co-codamol. Never worry
Sheila: [responds in Irish]
Sister Michael: I'll see the both of you up at the wake for a jar or two so. Slan.

Sister Michael: Good evening, ladies.
Gerry: Good evening, Sister.
Mary: I didn't know you were coming, Sister.
Sister Michael: No, I mean, we're not really expected to attend the reunions, but I couldn't help myself tonight. The past pupils here are just so...
Mary: Well, that's...
Sister Michael: ...untrustworthy.
Mary: I see.
Sister Michael: And there's a lot of valuable items in the building, paintings and the like, so, I think it's wise to keep an eye. I'll be carrying out random searches throughout the night. Enjoy yourselves, ladies.
Mary: We'll try.