George Michael: Oh, so this is a choice. I didn't want to say anything, but I was like, "Maeby looks like a 65-year-old."
Maeby: What if I told you I was 75? Hmm?
George Michael: Holy shit. You look fantastic.
Maeby: Right? It's the teeth. It's the same guy who's doing my meth teeth, you know, for the family of the year thing. You know that's where I write a speech for my mom, she talks about how great I am, then...
George Michael: Then you open your mouth and you're like, "So why do I have to turn tricks for meth money?" I don't know how you keep all your scams straight.
Maeby: Well, this old lady one is a big, big score. I mean, when people catch on, they either forget or they die. [chuckles] And, I mean, this place is a dream. Nobody even locks their doors. Of course, what is there to steal? [chuckles] A few barstools and some family pictures? Anyway, that's how I got those barstools and all these great pictures of grandkids.
George Michael: What a beautiful family you've stolen.

Narrator: Maeby had only been in the place for a week and had spent most of that time trying to trap a swan in her condo...
Maeby: What's your problem? It's tuna.
Narrator: ...when she came across a stranger, whom longtime viewers will be mildly surprised to recognize is Stan Sitwell.
Stan Sitwell: Hello.
Narrator: But whom Maeby did not.
Stan Sitwell: Do you live in one of these?
Maeby: This one's mine, yes.
Stan Sitwell: Well, that's strange. Do you realize this condo is listed as Lucille Austero's?
Maeby: Yes. I am her. Sister. I am her sister. [swan honks] You're going the wrong way.
Stan Sitwell: Annette?
Maeby: Oh, that's a great idea. Do you think they have one?
Stan Sitwell: Have what?
Maeby: Annette. Yes, that's me.

George Michael: This place is yours?
Maeby: Not yet, but maybe I'll kick him out sooner than later. Maybe I'll kick him out once he gets off that goddamn chair.
George Michael: That's him right there?
Maeby: Yeah.
George Michael: Why aren't we whispering?
Maeby: Oh. He can't hear a thing. He's got horrible aids.
George Michael: [looks horrified] ... Oh, hearing aids.
Maeby: Yeah, yeah, here they call them aids. The other ones they call [whispers] aids.

Maeby: [on the phone] Hi, this is Maeby Fünke, for the Lindsay Bluth campaign. Where are my meth teeth? It's been over two hours.

Narrator: And as Tobias rushed off with his newfound son, George Michael and his cousin caught up.
Maeby: I can't believe this is the third "welcome home from prison" party we've thrown.
George Michael: [chuckling] Yeah.
Maeby: You know what we should do? Why don't we make out again and teach them a lesson?
George Michael: Well, I can't, 'cause my dad's here, and he thinks I'm still dating Rebel. And how would our making out teach them a lesson?
Maeby: T-Teach Rebel a lesson. I meant, teach Rebel.

George Michael: Speaking of that, things have gotten worse. Not only does my dad think Fakeblock is real, and I've got money I won't share with him when he needs to bail out Buster, but he also thinks I should take things slower with Rebel.
Maeby: I don't know, but here's my idea about her. What do women really want? Their fathers' attention. And Ron Howard is a buttoned-down guy, right? What if he doesn't like you? What if you show up to the barbecue with pink hair?
George Michael: Pink hair?
Maeby: Yeah. I saw it on someone recently, and it made me want to puke. Trust me. You are gonna be like, "Burn!"
[later, as Maeby applies the dye:]
George Michael: [laughs] That's starting to tingle.
Maeby: Let me know when it starts to burn.
George Michael: It's gonna burn?
Maeby: Did I not make that clear?

Maeby: Nobody said getting out of a relationship would be painless.
George Michael: You should talk about getting out of a relationship. I think your friend Stan might be interested in you in a way that you don't want him to be interested.
Maeby: That would explain why he's offering to do my laundry. Well, whatever gets him to do my laundry, huh?
[chuckles] Yeah, no, I'll suss it out. This lie I'm living might be sending him mixed signals.

Narrator: Michael group-texted his family to meet at the cottage, but accidentally included...
George Michael: Gangie's renting this place?
Narrator: ...his son.
Maeby: No, this is her place. It's been in the family forever. They never told either of us, huh?
George Michael: Oh. Says "Maeby" here.
Maeby: What? How dare they keep track of my height while not telling me?

George Michael: [on the phone] And he probably made plans to see her this time in Mexico when I said my relationship was slowing down.
Maeby: You know, it's hard to believe because my niece always told me never to give away my Social Security number, but if it really is a free trip to Aruba-
Peg: Oh, you have to go, Buttons.
Maeby: Sign me up! Sorry, Peg's walking by.
George Michael: No, you have to.

George Michael: So, you're not gonna believe this- What are you doing?
Maeby: I'm doing another scrub and run. My sex date is tonight, and there's no other way out of it. And honestly, if I wanted a hairless lover, I'd probably go underage rather than overage, you know?
George Michael: What's that?
Maeby: No, I mean, not that I would do it on purpose. I'm just saying if I had a gun to somebody's head.
George Michael: If you had a-
Maeby: What do you want me to do? You want me to shoot a kid? What kind of monster are you?