Michael: He's got this privacy software. Keeps people from stealing your stuff. Tell her, pal.
Narrator: Maeby tried to hide her jealousy.
Maeby: So it's privacy software that's also anti-piracy? Do you have a way of doing this?
George Michael: Well, it's just a Boolean-driven aggregation, really, of what programmers call "hacker-traps."
Narrator: But as she listened to her cousin discuss computer technology she had no understanding of, she lost that feeling of superiority, and her self-esteem plummeted as she started to question the entirety of what she had done with her life for the last several years.

Maeby: Can I get a Macallan 12 neat, water back?
Bartender: ID?
Maeby: Actually, can we make it, marry me, a Wild Turkey?
Bartender: I still need to see some ID.
Maeby: Right. There you go.
Bartender: Thank you. I'm supposed to believe you're 17?
Maeby: Oh, no, sorry. That's my fake for sneaking back into high school. Here we go, 23.
Bartender: Oh, you're Maeby. Well, you can have one, but you got quite a bar tab.

Maeby: No, we got to tell people about it. I just got a lifetime achievement award. I'm finished. And also, I think you should consider calling it The Fakeblock. It's cleaner, like The Netflix.
George Michael: It's just not ready. Okay, there's still a bunch of programming problems.
Maeby: You can get it ready, George Michael. What, you think they invite the animals and ask them to wait while they build the zoo?
George Michael: No, that would be a bloodbath.
Maeby: Yeah, a total [bleep] bloodbath.

Narrator: But Maeby was more concerned about losing yet another income stream.
Maeby: So he's trying to snake the bottom bitch from my stable?
Narrator: And more importantly, her rep on the street. And she knew just who to go to about it.
Maeby: He stole money from me. He's a bully, so I want you to "bad cop" him for me a little, okay?
Perfecto: So where is this bully?
Maeby: He's right there.
Perfecto: The little guy with the cigarette?
Maeby: No, the ripped Black guy behind him.

Maeby: Wow. You're really just burning bridges all over the place, aren't you?
George Michael: I don't know what to do.
Maeby: Well, for starters, you could post it on Dadfights.
George Michael: Wait, that's a thing? It's just, like, a bunch of guys punching their dads, or?
Maeby: Yeah, well, you're supposed to say, "Guess what, Dad," but then some dads were catching on, and they were just whaling on their kids. You can watch those clips on That'sWhatSon.

George Michael: Well, my dad didn't hit me back, which is even worse. Still, I mean, he knew I was the other man. For God knows how long.
Maeby: Well, it couldn't have been for long. He didn't seem to know when I told him.
George Michael: You told him I was dating Rebel?
Maeby: Well, technically, I said she was dumping her boyfriend, but... Yeah. I was kind of hoping something like this would happen. Hey, you had fired me. I was...
George Michael: ...mad.
Maeby: ...bored.

George Michael: I should call him and say I'm sorry.
Maeby: Look, if you apologize to him, it's gonna make him feel horrible. So I think you should do it.

Maeby: So when my mom's giving the speech, we'll be in the background, and we're just going at it. [laughs] And I'm like, "Why have I never thought of that before?"
George Michael: Kind of feels like you have. To me, it seems like what you really want is for your mother to see you for who you are. Why don't you write a speech for her to say about you, about how lovely and smart you are, how you've blossomed as a young woman into this incredibly beautiful and special person that anyone would be lucky to get to share their life with.
Maeby: I think I see where you're going with this.
George Michael: An incredibly attractive, incredibly rare and precious gem.
Maeby: And then, I open my mouth, and I have these rotted out meth teeth. And I'm like, "Then why do I gotta [bleep] my cousin for some meth money, Mom?" You know, or something like that.
George Michael: I feel like we're circling it.
Maeby: Yeah.
George Michael: I don't know, maybe that's just a shade unnecessarily cruel.
Maeby: Well, at least I didn't punch her in the face.

George Michael: This is incredible!
Maeby: Right?
George Michael: Why is the lobby so off-putting?
Maeby: That's what the seniors do to keep the young people away. You know, they don't want "dot-commers" taking over.
George Michael: Nice. Like you and me.
Maeby: Exactly.

George Michael: How were you able to get in?
Maeby: Well, when I came back from Mexico, I found a parking pass in Lucille 2's Cadillac, right? And, apparently, she kept a place for these "trysts" with old lovers from years ago. Or they were like co-owners or something. But they just kept it here, empty, until one of them needed it. So that was lucky. [chuckles] I just had to make myself look older, you know?
George Michael: Yeah, I would think that that'd be a great use of the gray wig.
Maeby: No, I went down that road.
Narrator: But wasn't expecting how upsetting it is to see one's self grown old. The moment when a young woman realizes...
Maeby: Oh, my God, I've become my father.