Maeby: Look. Here's my advice. Okay? You go to Rebel's, you take my bag of lacy ticklers, hoo-ha bras, dog toys, and sex knobs with you. And you act like you're expecting a booty call, as the old people think the young people say. All right? You tell her, "I'm just here for a quickie, and I'm out of here." Mr. Brash. And she'll drop you like a buttered cane.
George Michael: Is that something old people say?
Maeby: Yeah. I'm trying to get it going.
George Michael: That's cool.

Stan Sitwell: I'd like to see that paperwork.
Maeby: Yes. Well, I recently moved here from New Orleans, and I...
Narrator: Narrator: Maeby was proud of this lie.
Maeby: ...lost all my personal paperwork in Hurricane Cantina.
Stan Sitwell: Ooh. That's complicated.
Maeby: Yes. It is. Unless I'm expected to lose a home for the second time. Of course, I could just pack up my shorty shorts, my silky pajamas, my peekaboo bras, my ticklers, sex knobs, and lacy hoo-has and hit the road.
Stan Sitwell: I can't ask you to do that.

Maeby: You would've had to lie about scuba, 'cause you would've been scared.
George Michael: Why do you say I'm scared of scuba? I'm not.
Maeby: You passed out at the aquarium.
George Michael: Well, they make you feel like you're underwater with all these giant...
Maeby: Dolphins?
George Michael: I still think that was some kind of smiling, kind of bemused baby shark.

Lucille: What did you want us to do, Michael? It was a horrible time for the housing market. Were we supposed to lose our precious daughter-in-law and a couple hundred grand in the same year?

Narrator: Michael returned to the model home to get his scuba equipment. But before he left town, he thought he'd take one last look at his son's childhood bedroom.
Michael: Uh... George Michael?
Tobias: [imitating George Michael] Father. It's me, George Michael. Think fast.
Michael: Tobias.
Tobias: [in normal voice] Michael. Yes, well, this is embarrassing. Not only are you finding me in your son's pants, but you're also finding out how the sausage is made.
Michael: [chuckles] I don't understand a thing you said.

Michael: You're supposed to be George Michael now?
Tobias: Oh, well, it's a character role, really, and let's face it. No one was buying me as a straight man.
Michael: It was a little off-brand.
Tobias: I'm just trying to find my place in the Bluth family [sighs] now that, uh Lucille's almost done with me as her therapist and Lindsay has... what does Gwyneth Paltrow say? "Consciously un-cuckold" me.

Tobias: I would just say that you're trying to run away from people before they have a chance to run away from you, because that's what the people you love do. Isn't it?
Michael: What people?
Tobias: Your wife. Your son. Or should I say [in a high-pitched voice] me?
Michael: Don't. Uh, you know-
Tobias: "Why'd Mommy leave, Daddy?"
Michael: Tobias.
Tobias: [in a higher pitch] "I didn't leave. I loved you bo-" [coughs]
Michael: I don't think you want to go there, okay?
Tobias: Yes, yes, yes. I suppose I did start too high. Okay, let's bring everyone down an octave. "Why did Mommy leave, Daddy?"

Tobias: I'm improv'ing, you over-intending schmactor. This is the simplest character in the entire family. He has one personality trait: he always comes back. Well, that and he always has his hands in his pockets. You got peanuts in there?
Michael: Okay, why am I staying here for this?
Murphy: Why can't I just be your son?
Tobias: Oh, there is no son anymore. He cut the part. And I can't be your father. I'm not a straight man.
Narrator: Why are we staying here for this?

Maeby: I told you that your dad is still in love with Rebel. And that telling him you haven't seen her would just be more hurtful. You perverted that into a way to not hurt him.
George Michael: And then I had to turn down this scuba trip, which is also rude, and if he finds out he's gonna say, "You lied to me, George Michael, and that's worse." And you know he's gonna say "and that's worse."

Michael: Goodbye forever.
Lucille: See you tonight.
Tobias: See you tonight.
Michael: See you tonight.