Gob: Anyway, I was talking about Poof magazine, the magazine for magicians.
Michael: Yeah.
Gob: Look, this guy Tony Wonder bakes himself into a loaf of bread and pops out of a giant sandwich to feed the troops. I had that idea 10 months ago.
Michael: You had that idea?
Gob: Well, basically. I was gonna boil myself alive into a chowder and then be ladled into a giant cauldron to entertain and feed the firemen.
Michael: That's pretty close.
Gob: I should be in this Poof!

Gob: I did the right thing, Michael. If I don't fire them, how do I teach a lesson to the others?
Michael: There are no others. You fired everyone.
Gob: Oh, that- [stammers] That's great. The guy who's dirty dancing with his niece is gonna tell the guy in the $3,600 suit how to run the business.
Michael: I know. Maybe we're better off with me being businesslike and you being the good-time, useless party guy.
Gob: It got us this far.
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Gob: And I must say that I miss the laughter. Oh, God, how they used to laugh with me.
Michael: At you.

Gob: That's right, Michael. Guess who just got fired.
Narrator: Gob was recently hired by the Bluth Company's rival Sitwell Enterprises. And although he started off well-
[flashbacks:]
Gob: Fifty-two percent of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it Single City.
Narrator: His ideas failed to evolve.
Gob: It's like, "Hey, you wanna go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah. I don't have a husband." I call it Swing City.
Stan Sitwell: Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind.
Narrator: But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
Gob: How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in. This goes for the guys too because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man, because you're livin' in [bleep] City.
Stan Sitwell: You're fired.

Narrator: Gob had just blown up a car.
Gob: The next thing I know, I'm running for my life. And all I could think was, if something were to ever happen to me how sad I'd be, you know?

Gob: Oh, how delicious!
Michael: Oh, hey, let's not spin in the comfy chair.
Gob: Look at this delicious piece of irony. I'm being sued for divorce. Me.
Michael: Thought you were single?
Gob: Yeah, I keep forgetting that I got married.

Michael: His self-esteem is low enough as it is, and I have no idea why. I mean, he's such a great kid, you know, and everybody loves him. He's George Michael! Truthfully, that's why I'm not that crazy about that Ann, but he'll move on.
Gob: Unless he knocks her up like you did with his mother. Plus, she's religious. If that one gets pregnant, it stays pregnant. Believe me. I dated a chick like that once in high school. No, I didn't.

Gob: Pardon me if I don't burst into tears, Michael, but at least he promised to take you. He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood. I didn't even know there was a cabin he wasn't taking me to! [sobs]
Michael: Hmm, mine's sadder.
Gob: I don't see you crying, robot. You taste these tears. Taste my sad, Michael.
Michael: I am not going to lick your eye, okay?
Gob: Well, I will tell you this, Michael... I don't have a son.
Narrator: He does.
Gob: But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!
Narrator: Gob was growing up.
Michael: Well, the cabin in the woods is going to be stacked up next to our carport. But maybe we should head up there tonight, huh? One... first time.
Gob: Taste the happy, Michael. Taste it.
Michael: Tastes kind of like sad.

Narrator: And now wishing he'd actually packed the bag, George Michael aimlessly headed out onto the campus where, as fate would have it, he ran into his beeping uncle.
George Michael: [bleep]. What are you doing here?
Gob: I was in the neighborhood. I happened to remember how much you love bologna.
George Michael: Huh?
Gob: So, yeah, I just I found this great ShopRite and I just thought, "You know who's got to have a taste of this, "is young George Michael."
Narrator: He didn't think George Michael liked bologna. He was trying to correct a bad impression he felt he might have made with his nephew a few nights earlier.
George Michael: My God, Uncle Gob, what is this?
Gob: Can't lie to you, George Michael, it's a Forget-Me-Now. I wanted you to forget what happened at that magic club. I was embarrassed.
George Michael: If you don't want me to tell anyone about it, I won't.
Gob: I'm such a fool. I go to those things too quickly. Really, it's just the age we live in, isn't it? Take a pill to forget your problems. Take a pill to go to sleep. And take a pill to forget your problems. Need an erection, take a pill. Need to forget your problems, take a pill. Take a pill and your problems are forgotten. Take a pill. What an age we live in. It's great, isn't it?

Gob: Boy, am I glad you're here. I need money and it's not for what you think, for a magic show or a bee colony. It's to pay the builders I hired to start building the fake wall between Mexico and America.
George Sr.: Shh. Are you crazy? Lucille 2 is around here.
Gob: Well, don't worry about Lucille 2. I'll handle her. It's just that I need to pay the Chinese.
George Sr.: Wait, wait. You hired Chinese?
Gob: Well, I figured, who better than the Chinese to build a wall? But, no, I couldn't afford them, so I hired, um... They're technically Mongols, I guess. They're the people that they built the wall to try to keep out.
George Sr.: How many- How many did you hire?
Gob: A horde. That's the minimum. They don't come in anything less than a horde.
George Sr.: So you hired a Mongol horde.
Gob: Look, Dad, I just... If they don't get their money soon, they're gonna be really mad and then they're gonna have a major Mongolian beef with us. There they are.
George Sr.: We don't have any money.
Gob: Well, he says that we don't have any money.

Gob: If you really feel that way, maybe we don't have to say good-bye.
Tony Wonder: What do you mean?
Gob: I mean, the problem was, like you said, that we couldn't be together without branding each other's taint.
Tony Wonder: No, it's, uh, tainting each other's brand, but same dif.
Gob: Dif.
Both: Same.
Tony Wonder: Same dif.