Jacob: All I'm saying is, like a lot of things, Christmas trees are stolen pagan traditions. That doesn't bother you? Like-
Melissa: You know what? It really does. I'm gonna head outside and see if I can't get over it.
Barbara: What a lovely idea.
Jacob: But it's 30 degrees out.
Melissa: My liquor coat will make it a toasty 42.
Jacob: You know, while I got you, Rudolph Created by advertisers.
Mr. Johnson: To sell what? Red noses? Boy, you sound ridiculous.

Jacob: [quietly to phone] Who is Lee Daniels?
Janine: Yes. We're gonna fight back.
Phone Voice: Here is what I found for Lee Daniels. African Amer- [Jacob throws his phone in the sink]

Jacob: I'm not loved by all of the parents, uh, except for the one that calls me Stuart Little. But even that, I'm not sure is the compliment I want it to be.

Janine: Hey, do you want cheese steaks from the corner store for lunch today?
Jacob: Uh, not... not from there. The guy behind the counter, he calls me "white boy."
Janine: Well, it's like a term of endearment, and, like, if you don't like it, just ask him to stop.
Jacob: No way. There's an entire chapter in White Fragility on that, okay? Robin DiAngelo, she says, "When you start policing people who have..."
Janine: Hey, Melissa, can you please tell "Ta-Nehisi Quotes" here that "white boy" is a term of endearment from the corner-store people?
Melissa: For Zach Ertz, yeah. For him, it's an insult.
Jacob: Hmm?

Jacob: [to Gregory] And, uh, oh, you know Melissa, of course. She's, uh... you know, the Southern Philly type.
Melissa: 'Scuse me? You talking about me?
Jacob: Yeah, uh... I was... I was saying you are a, uh... A... A Southern Philly Type.
Melissa: South Philly.
Jacob: Right. Right. That's what I said. Right. Honestly, it's like... It's like the best part of our beautiful city. I love how you guys will just, like, park anywhere.
Melissa: Yeah, okay.
Jacob: You know, I'm actually teaching a lesson right now about the unions in the city and how many of them started in South Philly.
Melissa: Oh, no way. I know some guys that were part of that. I'm glad you're teaching that to the kids. Good job. [exits]
Jacob: Just like I said... she is a shady lady. [watches Melissa walk away] Mm. That's why you and me, we got to stick together, man. You know? Like coffee and creamer. [Gregory has gone]

Gregory: Oh, hey, man. Can you tell me where I can find the mailboxes?
Jacob: Oh, I'll show you.
Gregory: No, you can just tell me.
Jacob: No, no, it's good. It's fine. We can walk together. Oh, speaking of mail, can we talk USPS? Have you heard of informed delivery?

Jacob: The chicken has an ovary and an oviduct, and as the female reaches maturity, these ova develop a few at a time into yolks. And when they hatch, what do we get? We get breakfast. Am I right? Served ova easy.
Boy: It's happening! They're hatching!
Janine: [gasps] Aww! Look at that. They're seeing that chickens don't just come from Crown Fried Chicken.
Jacob: [sings] ♫ I'm comin' out of retirement to save the environment ♫ ♫ I like farms 'cause they're rustic, but GMOs - don't trust it ♫
Boy: Ms. Teagues, I'm smart. Can I go to the chicken school?
All: Me too!
Jacob: [call and response] Franken...
Children: Food!
Jacob: Franken...
Children: Food!
Jacob: Very good.

Jacob: I'm telling you, Twitch is more popular than TV. More people are actually watching Twitch than...
Barbara: Jacob, I am trying to oversee nutrition here.
Jacob: Oh, yeah, no, of course. Sorry. What about you, Devin? Who's your favorite streamer?
Devin: I'm busy, Caillou.
Jacob: [chuckles] Classic Devin.

Jacob: Okay, you are gonna flip when you see. Go.
Barbara: Oh! It's breathtaking!
Jacob: It's like our own little Pandora. You know how like in Avatar when...
Barbara: No.
Jacob: It's okay. I guess we don't have to like all the same things all the time.

Jacob: Darn it! I just have the same four cards.
Melissa: Are you frickin' kidding me?
Jacob: Does that mean I get all the chips? [smiles]
Melissa: What was that?
Jacob: What was what?
Melissa: That right there. That... that smirk.
Mr. Johnson: Yeah, he's definitely besmirked.
Melissa: You've played poker before, haven't you? [Jacob smiles] All right, you hustled me.
Jacob: Sorry. Yeah. I'm actually really good at poker. When I did Teachers Without Borders, we had a lot of free time, so we basically would just play cards... and have sex with each other.
Mr. Johnson: What's the name of that organization again?
Melissa: You know what? I'm not even mad. I'm impressed. I mean, I will get revenge on you, and you should look over your shoulder for the rest of your life, but... well done.