Melissa Schemmenti Quotes Page 1 of 13    

Quote from Attack Ad

Melissa: Was there a bit about me gambling? 'Cause a parent said something that almost triggered my fight-or-fight response.
Gregory: Mm, you mean fight or flight.
Melissa: No. I'm not a flippin' bird, Gregory.


Quote from Mom

Melissa: Long weekends just delay the inevitable. It's still a Monday, even if it's masquerading as a Tuesday.

Quote from Pilot

[aside to camera:]
Melissa: Uh... Melissa. Schemmenti. Second-grade teacher.
[in class room:]
Melissa: What's half of 100?
Children: 50.
Melissa: Also, $100, known as a C-note.
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: You Sicilian? Italian? You from South? Okay, you guys working with the cops? 'Cause you gotta tell me.

Quote from Pilot

Janine: Hey, it's not impossible to get things. Melissa asked for those new toy cash registers for her classroom and got them.
Melissa: Yeah, those aren't toys. I know a guy who worked a Walmart demolition. I got a guy for everything. I know a guy right now working the stadium build. Need rebar?
Janine: No.

Quote from Ava vs. Superintendent

Janine: So we get the funding we need?
Superintendent Collins: No, of course not. As long as Ava's at Abbott and I'm the superintendent, you never will. She blackmailed me. It's kind of hard to get over being blackmailed.
Melissa: You know, he's not wrong. I haven't spoken to my blackmailer in two years. Do I miss my sister? Yeah, every day.

Quote from Story Samurai

Melissa: Man, this double class is kicking my ass. I need my extra-large coffee mug.
Jacob: Did you read that article the other day about how matcha... Actually more efficient at awakening the nervous system than coffee?
Melissa: Oh, yeah? Was that in Who Gives A Crap Weekly?
Jacob: It was in The New Yorker.
Melissa: Oh, so Who Gives A Crap Biweekly

Quote from New Tech

Melissa: Hey, Hill. That lesson, that was garbage. That's not what happened.
Jacob: Okay, well, I've read several books on the subject. I think I know the history of the lesson.
Melissa: Well, me and my family lived it, so I think we know the history.
Jacob: I've also listened to several podcasts.
Melissa: Look, how about this? I know a guy who was actually a captain back in the day. How about I hook you up, he can come to the class and do like an eyewitness account for the kids?
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: Unexpected, but I am so happy Melissa's bringing in a police captain. He's gonna be able to talk to the kids about how this is done peacefully.
[separately to camera:]
Melissa: I'm just really happy Vinny, the strike captain, is out of jail so he can do this. It's also gonna count towards his community service. Just 100 more hours, and his record's cleared.

Quote from Gifted Program

Janine: Thank you so much.
Animal Control Person: It's my job. By the way, this is actually an endangered species. Can I ask where you got these?
[Melissa signals "I'm watching you" to Janine]
Janine: Um... it was a pop-up shop on 52nd Street. Not there anymore. Gone. Can't track it. [chuckles]
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: Yeah, I heard about the snakes. So, what happened was, I got a guy named Chicken for snake eggs and a guy named Snake for chicken eggs. I called Chicken for snakes, when I should have called Snake for chickens. Whoops.

Quote from Wrong Delivery

Melissa: Yeah, you heard the baby shark. Keep it movin', and quit staring us down with that lazy eye.
Kristin Marie: Who you think you're talkin' to?
Melissa: A woman with Jersey mall hair and too much makeup. Now take that sfigato ass down the street.
Janine: Oh. Melissa! I don't even know what "sfigato" means and I know that was too much.
Jacob: It's a very small cup of coffee.
Melissa: That's not even close, and I can say whatever I want to my stupid sister.
Janine: Sister? As in the woman that works at the other school? You have the same mom? Y-Your sister?
Melissa: Yeah, yeah, good, you know what having a sister means. Glad you're making good use of that Penn education.
Janine: Wait.
Melissa: And, no, I'm not saying another word about this.

Quote from Juice

Melissa: [aside to camera:] Ashley is more easily distracted than my second graders. But I got a plan. I figure if we organize her work, it'd help, so I made her a to-do list, which is different from my to-do list, which includes Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Or Jon "The Rock" Bon Jovi.

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