Melissa Schemmenti Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Quote from Pilot

[aside to camera:]
Melissa: Uh... Melissa. Schemmenti. Second-grade teacher.
[in class room:]
Melissa: What's half of 100?
Children: 50.
Melissa: Also, $100, known as a C-note.
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: You Sicilian? Italian? You from South? Okay, you guys working with the cops? 'Cause you gotta tell me.


Quote from Pilot

Janine: Hey, it's not impossible to get things. Melissa asked for those new toy cash registers for her classroom and got them.
Melissa: Yeah, those aren't toys. I know a guy who worked a Walmart demolition. I got a guy for everything. I know a guy right now working the stadium build. Need rebar?
Janine: No.

Quote from Ava vs. Superintendent

Melissa: So, our girl really did a good job, huh?
Superintendent Collins: Surprisingly, yes.
Janine: Ooh! So we get the funding we need?
Superintendent Collins: No, of course not. As long as Ava's at Abbott and I'm the superintendent, you never will. She blackmailed me. It's kind of hard to get over being blackmailed.
Melissa: You know, he's not wrong. I haven't spoken to my blackmailer in two years. Do I miss my sister? Yeah, every day.

Quote from New Tech

Melissa: Hey, Hill. That lesson, that was garbage. That's not what happened.
Jacob: Okay, well, I've read several books on the subject. I think I know the history of the lesson.
Melissa: Well, me and my family lived it, so I think we know the history.
Jacob: I've also listened to several podcasts.
Melissa: Look, how about this? I know a guy who was actually a captain back in the day. How about I hook you up, he can come to the class and do like an eyewitness account for the kids?
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: Unexpected, but I am so happy Melissa's bringing in a police captain. He's gonna be able to talk to the kids about how this is done peacefully.
[separately to camera:]
Melissa: I'm just really happy Vinny, the strike captain, is out of jail so he can do this. It's also gonna count towards his community service. Just 100 more hours, and his record's cleared.

Quote from Gifted Program

Janine: Thank you so much.
Animal Control Person: It's my job. By the way, this is actually an endangered species. Can I ask where you got these?
[Melissa signals "I'm watching you" to Janine]
Janine: Um... it was a pop-up shop on 52nd Street. Not there anymore. Gone. Can't track it. [chuckles]
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: Yeah, I heard about the snakes. So, what happened was, I got a guy named Chicken for snake eggs and a guy named Snake for chicken eggs. I called Chicken for snakes, when I should have called Snake for chickens. Whoops.

Quote from Light Bulb

Melissa: You don't think it kills us to see those faces in the morning? What, are we made of stone? You're not the first person to feel things, kid. We care.
Janine: How do you and Barbara stop yourselves from caring too much, if that's a thing?
Melissa: Because it's the opposite. We care so much, we refuse to burn out. If we burn out, who's here for these kids? That's why you gotta take care of yourself. What is with you today, anyway? You... You're normally bananas, but...
Janine: I don't know. Just some stuff at home, I think.
Melissa: Oh. Okay. See, that's the other thing me and Barbara learned. All that at-home stuff... You gotta... [clicks tongue] Leave it right at that door. Otherwise, you open up a whole 'nother Panera's box of problems.
Janine: I think you mean Pandora's box.
Melissa: No, I'm pretty sure it's Panera's box.

Quote from Wishlist

Melissa: Hey. You gonna ask for a pair of headphones on that little wishlist of yours? 'Cause I cannot listen to one more squeaky voice begging for pencils.
Janine: Well, if you saw how much stuff these teachers got, you would make one, too.
Melissa: Yeah, no. I'm good. I got plenty of classroom supply plugs to keep me stocked up on whatever I need. It's not my fault yous didn't want into the deal.
Jacob: Okay, to be fair, none of us said no. We simply had a few questions.
Melissa: And I said that's a few too many questions.

Quote from New Tech

Janine: You guys, I have been reading up on this, and our students are gonna get a huge boost from this software. I mean, our kids are gonna be reading at the speed of light.
Barbara: Well, I, for one, prefer the tried and true methods over whatever the latest doohickey is. I mean, I have yet to see the program that can do what I do by, you know, teaching.
Janine: Well, old-school teaching is great, but the latest doohickey can be a helpful addition.
Melissa: Yeah, tech has its place. Like when you haven't been with a man for a few years.

Quote from Gifted Program

Janine: So, when I first got the ball moving on the gifted program, I said, "Janine..."
Melissa: Okay, skip this part. What do you want?
Janine: Some chicken eggs that will hatch for my class. I want to teach them about their reproductive systems.
Melissa: Gimme a week.

Quote from Open House

Melissa: Okay, I'm back. Had to show a couple of parents... how to get to another school. They were in the wrong place. [reshuffles cards] Oh, sorry, Mr. Johnson, I gotta do that. Last time I trusted someone else to shuffle, I lost a kidney.

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