Jacob Hill Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Quote from Gifted Program

Janine: [gasps] You know what? We should have a gifted program here. I mean, I need something for the kids in my class to do other than grade papers and... [off Barbara's look] I'm kidding. But, seriously, I loved the gifted program I was in growing up. I learned so much, and those experiences were priceless.
Jacob: I was in one, too. Yeah. I got to write my own musical rap parody about Monsanto. It was called "Mo' Santo, Mo' Problems." Yo, check it... [Barbara cuts Jacob off]

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Quote from Gifted Program

Jacob: I, for one, love the program. I feel like a blend of Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society and, well, Robin Williams in Patch Adams.
Gregory: Didn't all those kids in Patch Adams die of cancer?
Jacob: Well, the real cancer is ignorance.
Gregory: Mm, the real cancer is cancer.

Quote from Student Transfer

Jacob: Hey, I need to talk. Like to a friend. You know how sometimes when you're being chased by a dog and you can't tell if it's playing or if it's trying to bite you?
Gregory: No.
Jacob: But at the same time, you don't want to stop running, because if it isn't playing, you're gonna get bit? Look, I tried roasting my students back, and it didn't work. It got way worse and oddly specific.
Gregory: Come on. It couldn't have been that bad.
Jacob: They called me "HuffPo-reading gay Pete Buttigieg," which is repetitive and insulting. As if I would read a word of Huffington Post after Arianna stepped down.
Gregory: You may just have to take the L on this one, man. I mean, you can't really beat them at their own game. It's like them challenging you to... Dungeons & Dragons.
Jacob: Yeah, you can't really challenge someone to D&D. It's more like a cooperative game that's all about the shared experience rather than winning. [gasps, snaps fingers] Thank you, you ol' good friendship having man.

Quote from Work Family

Janine: You loved Green Book?
Jacob: It is a well-made film, okay? Do I think it's the most astute observation on race relations? No. But did I cry at the end? Almost.

Quote from Step Class

Jacob: Oh, my God. Is that pizza from Dough Nuts?
Melissa: Best in the city. They bake it in an oven blessed by Pope John Paul II.
Jacob: John Paul II wasn't the most progressive.
Melissa: Blesses a good oven, though.
Jacob: I'm just saying, he wouldn't have blessed a gay oven.

Quote from Desking

Melissa: Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing.
Ava: Two of you take Stefon, the other two take Brianna.
Janine: Right. Good cop, bad cop.
Jacob: You know, it's interesting that they say "good cop, bad cop," because policing in this country is so broken, it's really just "bad cop, bad cop."
Ava: Janine, you're with him.
Janine: Got it.

Quote from Pilot

Jacob: Janine, Janine, you're not gonna believe this. Rachel freakin' Maddow just retweeted me.
Janine: Wow!
Jacob: So I basically work for MSNBC.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: I'm Jacob Hill. Uh, I like to say I teach history, but I live in the present.
[separately to camera:]
Janine: Jacob and I came in together last year with 20 other teachers. We're two of the three left. So trauma bonding, I guess?

Quote from Student Transfer

Vick: Looking like Ron Weasley if he was a pick-up artist. [laughter]
Raheem: This man look like he dream in podcasts. [laughter]
Jacob: Well, look at you, ol' blue shirt, tan pants wearing guy. With your bright white shoes and the laces all tied up into a little bow? Yeah. [laughs] No way those are accidentally falling off.
Raheem: Mr. Vampire Weekend, that really hurt my feelings.
Jacob: Oh, my God. Raheem, I am... I am so sorry.
Raheem: You should be. With that Twilight-shaped mouth!
Vick: [laughs] Got him!
Raheem: [laughter] That's what we're all wearing. It's a uniform. You ain't even observant, dawg.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: They say the first year of teaching is the hardest. But... [sighs] What about the second year?

Quote from Pilot

Janine: Hey, do you want cheese steaks from the corner store for lunch today?
Jacob: Uh, not... not from there. The guy behind the counter, he calls me "white boy."
Janine: Well, it's like a term of endearment, and, like, if you don't like it, just ask him to stop.
Jacob: No way. There's an entire chapter in White Fragility on that, okay? Robin DiAngelo, she says, "When you start policing people who have..."
Janine: Hey, Melissa, can you please tell "Ta-Nehisi Quotes" here that "white boy" is a term of endearment from the corner-store people?
Melissa: For Zach Ertz, yeah. For him, it's an insult.
Jacob: Hmm?

Quote from New Tech

Jacob: [to Gregory] And, uh, oh, you know Melissa, of course. She's, uh... you know, the Southern Philly type.
Melissa: 'Scuse me? You talking about me?
Jacob: Yeah, uh... I was... I was saying you are a, uh... A... A Southern Philly Type.
Melissa: South Philly.
Jacob: Right. Right. That's what I said. Right. Honestly, it's like... It's like the best part of our beautiful city. I love how you guys will just, like, park anywhere.
Melissa: Yeah, okay.
Jacob: You know, I'm actually teaching a lesson right now about the unions in the city and how many of them started in South Philly.
Melissa: Oh, no way. I know some guys that were part of that. I'm glad you're teaching that to the kids. Good job. [exits]
Jacob: Just like I said... she is a shady lady. [watches Melissa walk away] Mm. That's why you and me, we got to stick together, man. You know? Like coffee and creamer. [Gregory has gone]

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