Jacob: I, for one, love the program. I feel like a blend of Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society and, well, Robin Williams in Patch Adams.
Gregory: Didn't all those kids in Patch Adams die of cancer?
Jacob: Well, the real cancer is ignorance.
Gregory: Mm, the real cancer is cancer.

Jacob: Janine! Did you see the big news?
Janine: Oh, my God. Did the multi-color pushpins come in?
Jacob: No. Well, I mean, yes, that is huge. But, uh, I got two sign-ups for after-school podcast club.
Janine: Oh! Two. Two? Wow! That... That's enough to tango.
Jacob: I cannot wait to get started. I'm picturing This American Life meets Pod Save America with the research of The Daily, the storytelling of The Moth, all while, like, redefining the form, à la Radiolab.
Janine: How many white podcasts do you listen to?
Jacob: Hundreds. I listen at triple speed, though, you know, to fit them all in. Actually, this conversation kind of feels like it's in slow motion. But I am so informed.

Janine: [gasps] You know what? We should have a gifted program here. I mean, I need something for the kids in my class to do other than grade papers and... [off Barbara's look] I'm kidding. But, seriously, I loved the gifted program I was in growing up. I learned so much, and those experiences were priceless.
Jacob: I was in one, too. Yeah. I got to write my own musical rap parody about Monsanto. It was called "Mo' Santo, Mo' Problems." Yo, check it... [Barbara cuts Jacob off]

Jacob: Oh, I hate to be the perpetual resident of Buzzkill, Pennsylvania, but, uh, we are meeting with the lawyer any minute...
Candace: I am the lawyer.
Jacob: Oh. Of course you are. I knew that. Erin Brockovich is, like, my favorite movie.

Jacob: Hey, I need to talk. Like to a friend. You know how sometimes when you're being chased by a dog and you can't tell if it's playing or if it's trying to bite you?
Gregory: No.
Jacob: But at the same time, you don't want to stop running, because if it isn't playing, you're gonna get bit? Look, I tried roasting my students back, and it didn't work. It got way worse and oddly specific.
Gregory: Come on. It couldn't have been that bad.
Jacob: They called me "HuffPo-reading gay Pete Buttigieg," which is repetitive and insulting. As if I would read a word of Huffington Post after Arianna stepped down.
Gregory: You may just have to take the L on this one, man. I mean, you can't really beat them at their own game. It's like them challenging you to... Dungeons & Dragons.
Jacob: Yeah, you can't really challenge someone to D&D. It's more like a cooperative game that's all about the shared experience rather than winning. [gasps, snaps fingers] Thank you, you ol' good friendship having man.

Janine: You loved Green Book?
Jacob: It is a well-made film, okay? Do I think it's the most astute observation on race relations? No. But did I cry at the end? Almost.

Jacob: Oh, my God. Is that pizza from Dough Nuts?
Melissa: Best in the city. They bake it in an oven blessed by Pope John Paul II.
Jacob: John Paul II wasn't the most progressive.
Melissa: Blesses a good oven, though.
Jacob: I'm just saying, he wouldn't have blessed a gay oven.

Melissa: Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing.
Ava: Two of you take Stefon, the other two take Brianna.
Janine: Right. Good cop, bad cop.
Jacob: You know, it's interesting that they say "good cop, bad cop," because policing in this country is so broken, it's really just "bad cop, bad cop."
Ava: Janine, you're with him.
Janine: Got it.

Jacob: And it's been almost a year, okay? It is beyond time that they reboot Spider-Man again.
Janine: Yeah, you're right. I love it. But who can replace Tom Holland?
Melissa: I'll tell you who... That little magical cutie, that Harry Potter.
Gregory: Daniel Radcliffe?
Melissa: Yeah.
Gregory: He's already in a franchise. You can't just swing from franchise to franchise.
Jacob: Then why do I have to see Chris Pratt everywhere?
Janine: It's okay.

Ava: Jacob, hair and makeup are ready for you.
Jacob: You know what, Ava? I don't think I'm going to do the performance, and, um... By the way, would a "corny" person stage a one-man show called The Color Urkel?
Ava: Did you do that? Then yeah.