Jacob: Barbara, have you ever been roasted by your students?
Barbara: One, they're five. Two, they respect me. Three, what would they even say?

Jacob: Hey, I need to talk. Like to a friend. You know how sometimes when you're being chased by a dog and you can't tell if it's playing or if it's trying to bite you?
Gregory: No.
Jacob: But at the same time, you don't want to stop running, because if it isn't playing, you're gonna get bit? Look, I tried roasting my students back, and it didn't work. It got way worse and oddly specific.
Gregory: Come on. It couldn't have been that bad.
Jacob: They called me "HuffPo-reading gay Pete Buttigieg," which is repetitive and insulting. As if I would read a word of Huffington Post after Arianna stepped down.
Gregory: You may just have to take the L on this one, man. I mean, you can't really beat them at their own game. It's like them challenging you to... Dungeons & Dragons.
Jacob: Yeah, you can't really challenge someone to D&D. It's more like a cooperative game that's all about the shared experience rather than winning. [gasps, snaps fingers] Thank you, you ol' good friendship having man.

Janine: I feel that with a more challenging workload, Courtney will be much, much easier to handle, and she won't have time to distract her classmates.
Ava: Mm-hmm. Why does that sound so familiar? Oh. Hold up.
Melissa: [removes file] Part 3?
Ava: My bad, y'all. She was supposed to skip second grade, but they told me during Essence Fest. I missed a lot of paperwork during that month.
Janine: Isn't Essence Fest just a weekend?
Ava: Maybe for y'all.

Vick: Looking like Ron Weasley if he was a pick-up artist. [laughter]
Raheem: This man look like he dream in podcasts. [laughter]
Jacob: Well, look at you, ol' blue shirt, tan pants wearing guy. With your bright white shoes and the laces all tied up into a little bow? Yeah. [laughs] No way those are accidentally falling off.
Raheem: Mr. Vampire Weekend, that really hurt my feelings.
Jacob: Oh, my God. Raheem, I am... I am so sorry.
Raheem: You should be. With that Twilight-shaped mouth!
Vick: [laughs] Got him!
Raheem: [laughter] That's what we're all wearing. It's a uniform. You ain't even observant, dawg.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: They say the first year of teaching is the hardest. But... [sighs] What about the second year?

Barbara: Well, it looks like a classic Schemmenti good mood day.
Melissa: You know it! I got my favorite parking spot, my macchiato is on point, and my neighbor finally found her cat, so no more hearing her cry through the walls.

Gregory: Oh, hey, man. Can you tell me where I can find the mailboxes?
Jacob: Oh, I'll show you.
Gregory: No, you can just tell me.
Jacob: No, no, it's good. It's fine. We can walk together. Oh, speaking of mail, can we talk USPS? Have you heard of informed delivery?

Janine: Jacob, are you ready?
Jacob: [scoffs] I am not just ready, I am set and go.
Janine: Yes.
Gregory: Ready for what? What's going on?
Janine: We have this little tradition where we read our Grades for Teachers reviews out loud when a new one comes in. Mine are always just incredibly flattering.
Gregory: There's a Yelp for teachers?
Janine: Yeah. Do you want me to help you set up a page? Because as it says here, I am excellent... at explaining complicated ideas.

Ava: [bubble wrap pops] Hey, girl.
Janine: Hey, Ava. You know I can't just leave my classroom unattended like this, right?
Ava: It's five minutes. It's not like something could go wrong in five minutes.
Janine: A lot can go wrong, actually.
Ava: If you say so. Anyway, one of Melissa's students will be transferring into your class.
Janine: Really? Why?
Ava: Girl, I don't know. Things happen all day. Maybe she wants to be closer to the bathroom. Maybe she like you more. Maybe she got some kind of Meek Mill-Drake feud going on with one of her classmates. I don't know.
Janine: Maybe she likes me better.
Ava: If you really want to know, you should read her file. I have them arranged by sexiest dad. Her name is Courtney Pierce, and her daddy is "foine."

Melissa: [aside to camera] Here's a little secret... Courtney didn't get transferred out of my class 'cause I couldn't handle her. She got her parents to transfer her because I'd already caught on to all her little tricks. Most of them. Nobody could have seen that macaroni thing coming.

Ava: So I said, "I'm not giving you a ride. I'm 'bout to drop you off at the airport of life."
Barbara: Oh, I know that's right.
Janine: Hey, ladies. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, you mentioned earlier that there was a file on Courtney Pierce?
Ava: Yeah. Thicker than a Snicker. Heavy like a Chevy.