Mr. Johnson: [aside to camera] I love field trips. I get to do Mr. Johnson's Day Off. That's when I watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which is a movie about a depressed kid who murder his father's Ferrari.
[Ava takes a group of kids to Mr. Johnson's custodial closet:]
Ava: Mr. Johnson, sorry to interrupt whatever this is, but these kids need to stay with you.
Mr. Johnson: Well, looks like Ava switched this day from Ferris Bueller's Day Off to The Breakfast Club. Life moves pretty fast, and if you don't stop every once in a while to take a look, you might...
Ava: Missed one. [chuckles]
Mr. Johnson: Come on in.

Mr. Johnson: It's risky, but it could work. And you probably won't get your tires slashed. You ever heard of Martha and the Vandellas? Well, I dumped Martha, but I'm pretty sure the Vandellas vandalized my car.
Gregory: I would like to not have my tires slashed, so...

Gregory: [on the phone] Thank you, sir. Sounds like quite the opportunity. I'll deliberate on the objective and report back. Okay. Okay, bye. [hangs up]
Mr. Johnson: Boy, you in the FBI?
Gregory: What? No, I was just talking to my dad.
Mr. Johnson: That's the way you talk to your dad?
Gregory: Yes. Uh, he was asking me to come up to Baltimore to work at his landscaping company, but just for the summer.
Mr. Johnson: A likely story. Probably planning on how to assassinate another Black community leader. COINTELPRO killed Teena Marie.
Gregory: Teena Marie was white.
Mr. Johnson: To you.

Ava: Okay. Oh. So, not good. Ms. Schwartz was out of line and clearly didn't know how to handle her class.
Melissa: You hired her.
Ava: And fired her. They give me a lot of power around here. It's crazy. In the meantime, Mr. Johnson will be watching her class.
Janine: Wait. Sorry. Mr. Johnson, the janitor?
[cut to Mr. Johnson in front of a whiteboard which reads "Illuminati":]
Mr. Johnson: That's who runs the world, kids.

Janine: Okay. "I won a bronze medal for hammer throw in the Olympics."
Mr. Johnson: What can I say? The rumors about the Olympic Village are true.
Janine: Let's move on.

Barbara: [holding cell phone] Oh, I think I got somebody!
Mr. Johnson: [on phone in janitor's closet] [echoes] Yello? Hello?
[aside to camera:]
Mr. Johnson: Somewhere around 2003, my phone number got mistakenly entered into several places in the school district's directory. I never said anything because I like to help out wherever I can.
Man: [on line] So can you get us a replacement fire extinguisher or not?
Mr. Johnson: One sec. No.

Mr. Johnson: [sighs heavily] All the first floor bathrooms are broken. Until reinforcements arrive, everyone has to use the upstairs bathroom. And I pray to the Mario Brothers they hold.

Melissa: While we're here, I'm not sure I believe the moon landing happened.
Mr. Johnson: I don't believe in the moon.
Jacob: I believe that gluten intolerance is just internalized white guilt.
Mr. Johnson: Gluten isn't real!
Ava: Stevie Wonder ain't blind.
Melissa: You know, Bill Gates...

Gregory: And you're just ditching Janine's class?
Ava: I'm not ditching. I'm pivoting. Besides, those kids are unhinged. I'm done with teaching. Time to throw in the towel.
Mr. Johnson: And I'm the towel. I'm your sub, Mr. Johnson. Have any of you ever flown into Denver Airport? Or have a fondness for lizards the size of humans? Anybody?

Mr. Johnson: Why build an airport 25 miles from the city if you aren't trying to hide anything?
Ava: Alright, Man in Black, I'm tappin' back in.
Mr. Johnson: Now go home and tell your parents what I taught you, kids. It starts with you.