Melissa: A shallot. I said get an onion.
Jacob: Oh, Janine thought it was an onion that was adorable and small like her, and who am I to shatter that illusion.
Janine: [laughs] Does it really matter?
Melissa: Does it matter?
Jacob: Janine, come on. Of course it matters. Ooh! Now I get to patronize a local vendor. BRB.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: I love haggling with neighborhood merchants. You should see their faces when I counter with a higher price. You've heard of up-selling? Well, I'm an up-buyer.

Jacob: I saw an unfamiliar man milling about the rack this morning.
Ava: Okay, well, what did he look like?
Jacob: ... U-Uh, I would say he had a, you know, somewhat curly and spherical haircut.
Ava: An afro?
Jacob: It was... Some might call it... You know what, this feels reductive.
Ava: No, no, no! No, let's get to the bottom of this. Would you describe this person as someone who might have difficulty getting a loan?
Jacob: You know what? It's fine. [laughs] Was it really ever my bike, anyways? You know, does anyone really own anything? I will, uh, leave you to ponder that query, and, uh, adieu. [drops bike helmet in the Lost and Found box] I suppose I won't be needing this. [Ava laughs]

Jacob: Well, I don't hate anyone. Except for Jimmy Dontel-Anderson.
Barbara: Goodnight.
Jacob: Yeah, in sixth grade, he threw a handful of grapes at me while I was doing my solo in Moulin Rouge Jr. One went right into my mouth, straight down my throat, and I had to... [chokes] give myself the Heimlich. [Janine starts to walk away] Our chorus teacher didn't even stop playing. She just... You know, the show must go on.

Jacob: Unlike Phase One Tony Stark, Malcolm X and Martin Luther King were both anti-capitalists. [Jacob nearly falls off his desk]
Student: You seem a little shaky, Mr. Hill. Are you good?
Jacob: Oh, yeah. I'm good. I am... totally fine.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: Ava has been in my last three classes, okay? Either this is some time-intensive prank, or I am getting fired... for teaching Black history. [scoffs] I flew too close to the sun. Like an anti-racist Icarus.

Zach: So, I have another surprise for you. [knock on door]
Jacob: Wait. Hold that thought. [to Ava] Um, okay. Please don't fire me. I can't get bad news while I'm eating. I have stress-induced IBS.

Jacob: Well, let me improve your day with a tasty offering. I made carrot cookies.
Janine: You mean carrot cake?
Jacob: As if. Carrot cookies... made with carrots and carrot juice.
Ava: Mnh, no, just looking at them almost put me over the top.
Jacob: Janine? Can I tempt you?
Janine: Yeah.
Jacob: They're made with salvaged oat pulp.
Gregory: Those look alive.
Jacob: Well, yeah. That's the probiotics.
Janine: Uh, you know what? I probably shouldn't on an empty stomach, so...

Melissa: There's a green bubble on the group chat.
Gregory: I have an iPhone, but I left the group chat after Mr. Johnson started that soup thread.
Jacob: Uh, it's me, okay? I-I got a new phone. A droid.
Janine: Wait, there's a group chat?
Jacob: Look, it's not easy being green, okay? Android discrimination is one of the last acceptable forms of hate in this country. There was a pothole on 50th Street. I tried to warn you about it.
Melissa: Yeah, well, I hit it because I couldn't read your stupid text. I just don't have time for this. [throws Jacob's phone] Go back to the blue bubble! Life is hard enough as it is. Now I got two classes worth of grades to finish and a tire to replace.
Jacob: You know what? I would like to see your phone survive that.

Jacob: Janine, Janine, you're not gonna believe this. Rachel freakin' Maddow just retweeted me.
Janine: Wow!
Jacob: So I basically work for MSNBC.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: I'm Jacob Hill. Uh, I like to say I teach history, but I live in the present.
[separately to camera:]
Janine: Jacob and I came in together last year with 20 other teachers. We're two of the three left. So trauma bonding, I guess?

Vick: Looking like Ron Weasley if he was a pick-up artist. [laughter]
Raheem: This man look like he dream in podcasts. [laughter]
Jacob: Well, look at you, ol' blue shirt, tan pants wearing guy. With your bright white shoes and the laces all tied up into a little bow? Yeah. [laughs] No way those are accidentally falling off.
Raheem: Mr. Vampire Weekend, that really hurt my feelings.
Jacob: Oh, my God. Raheem, I am... I am so sorry.
Raheem: You should be. With that Twilight-shaped mouth!
Vick: [laughs] Got him!
Raheem: [laughter] That's what we're all wearing. It's a uniform. You ain't even observant, dawg.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: They say the first year of teaching is the hardest. But... [sighs] What about the second year?

Jacob: I'm sure you already know that Christmas was essentially invented by Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, right?
Barbara: Maybe we can just focus on-
Jacob: It's because of him that this time of year has turned into such a materialist bacchanal.
Melissa: [chuckles] Oh, that guy sounds really annoying.
Jacob: Beyond. He took a great tradition and turned it into something miserable.
Melissa: Can't imagine why anybody would do something like that.
Jacob: Me neither. Some people, you know?
Melissa: Yeah, I sure do.
Barbara: Melissa.
Melissa: I'm agreeing with him.