Mr. Johnson: [flatly] "On, Dancer, on, Prancer, on, Donner and Blitzen. She slays holidays, it's the sweet Christmas Vixen."
Ava: Seasons greetings, Ava's elves! It is I, Principal Coleman Claus!
Barbara: Santa Claus just had a heart attack.
Ava: It's time for the gift exchange. Let's find out who's been naughty and who's been nice. And, remember, I only reward the naughty. Everyone who picked a name out of Mr. Johnson's ice skate last week, please gather 'round.
Mr. Johnson: Dorothy Hamill and I used to be a thing. This is all I have left of her.

Janine: Um, can I go first? I got Mr. Johnson. So, you told me, against my will, that back when you were a nude art model, you didn't get to keep any of the things made in your likeness. So, I had a local artist make this, and only this, for you.
Barbara: [o.s.] Wow!
Mr. Johnson: Love it. "To clean, or not to clean? That is the question." [laughter]
Ava: Alright, put your creepy little head down.

Jacob: I'm sure you already know that Christmas was essentially invented by Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, right?
Barbara: Maybe we can just focus on-
Jacob: It's because of him that this time of year has turned into such a materialist bacchanal.
Melissa: [chuckles] Oh, that guy sounds really annoying.
Jacob: Beyond. He took a great tradition and turned it into something miserable.
Melissa: Can't imagine why anybody would do something like that.
Jacob: Me neither. Some people, you know?
Melissa: Yeah, I sure do.
Barbara: Melissa.
Melissa: I'm agreeing with him.

Jacob: All I'm saying is, like a lot of things, Christmas trees are stolen pagan traditions. That doesn't bother you? Like-
Melissa: You know what? It really does. I'm gonna head outside and see if I can't get over it.
Barbara: What a lovely idea.
Jacob: But it's 30 degrees out.
Melissa: My liquor coat will make it a toasty 42.
Jacob: You know, while I got you, Rudolph Created by advertisers.
Mr. Johnson: To sell what? Red noses? Boy, you sound ridiculous.

Janine: [aside to camera] Honestly, the students are mostly just celebrating the religious practice of not coming to school for two weeks. The staff, too. Everyone's been working hard. It's gonna be nice to get some time off and just let loose a little bit. That's my plan, anyway. This is my first single holiday, and Erika is gonna straighten my hair, and we got new clothes, and she says it's cold out and guys need something to "rub up on." So, we're gonna go out to a hookah bar tonight. And who knows? Maybe I'll "hoook" up with someone. But anyway, I'm just excited to get out of my work bubble and meet new people with my new look and get my "ho" on. Those are Erika's words. Not mine. I'm a teacher.

Ava: Okay, I hope you guys all stuck to the $25 minimum.
Gregory: Um, I thought that was a maximum.
Ava: Stop limiting yourself. Thinking small's what's got you in a dead-end job in a poorly run school.
Gregory: Can't argue with that.

Mr. Johnson: Merry Christmas, Melissa.
Melissa: Ah, for me. Okay, let's see. Dallas Cowboy bobbleheads?
Mr. Johnson: Yours to destroy in any way you see fit.
Melissa: Oh! I can finally break out my blowtorch. Yes!

Melissa: Okay, okay. Ava, I got you.
Barbara: Wait a minute, are you sure? Because I got Ava.
Gregory: Uh, I did, too.
Ava: Yeah, I put my name in a few times 'cause I knew all of your mediocre gifts would add up to one decent gift. [opens Gregory's gift] Seventeen dollars to The Office Loft? I didn't think it would be yours, Gregory.

Melissa: Okay, Mr. Johnson's gonna be here in a few. We got food. We got...
Barbara: Wine.
Melissa: Yeah. We got... [knock on door] Jacob.
Jacob: Did someone call Nine-Fun-Fun?
Melissa: You didn't.
Barbara: I did.
Jacob: I'm very grateful to you. Don't worry. You will barely even notice I am here. Did you get my dietary restrictions?

Melissa: [aside to camera] I love Jacob. I do. But, you know what? He's a lot like paint fumes. Like, small doses fine, even somewhat enjoyable. But too much just gives you a headache.