Melissa: Okay, I'm back. Had to show a couple of parents... how to get to another school. They were in the wrong place. [reshuffles cards] Oh, sorry, Mr. Johnson, I gotta do that. Last time I trusted someone else to shuffle, I lost a kidney.

[After studying his hand, Jacob goes to slide all his chips in]
Melissa: Okay! Just wait. I can't let you do this, kid. Why don't we just say we're playing for these chips and not real money?
Mr. Johnson: A bet is a bet. I gambled away my house, my car, and my subscription to Horse Fancy. No one ever said, "That's okay, Mr. Johnson. It was an honest mistake."

Ava: [over P.A.] Principal A-A-Ava, son! Another one! Check out this oldie but goodie by my guy Ginuwine! It's called "Pony," y'all! And he ain't talking about a horse! ["Pony" plays over P.A.] Superintendent Collins, you showed.
Superintendent Collins: Just stopping by for a quick tour.
Ava: Well, if you want to waste your time, fine by me. But you know if you got a problem, there's nothing you can do about it.
Superintendent Collins: It's my job to be here.
Ava: Well, I wouldn't want to cheat you out of a tour. [chuckles] I say that 'cause you cheated on your wife.
Superintendent Collins: I got it the first time.
Ava: Let me put on some Toni Braxton. You'll like this one. It's called... [echoing] "Love Shoulda Brought You Home"!

Melissa: Is that Gregory?
Jacob: Did he look, like, disheveled?
[aside to camera:]
Gregory: Normally, I do these standing up, but I realized something... Nothing matters. Okay? Why try? I mean, I tried for the principal job, and for what? You know, what was the point? I mean, what's the point of anything, really? Oh, yeah, I loosened my tie, yeah. I mean, why even sit up straight, you know? I like this. It feels better. [grunts] Why do people sit like that?

Jacob: Darn it! I just have the same four cards.
Melissa: Are you frickin' kidding me?
Jacob: Does that mean I get all the chips? [smiles]
Melissa: What was that?
Jacob: What was what?
Melissa: That right there. That... that smirk.
Mr. Johnson: Yeah, he's definitely besmirked.
Melissa: You've played poker before, haven't you? [Jacob smiles] All right, you hustled me.
Jacob: Sorry. Yeah. I'm actually really good at poker. When I did Teachers Without Borders, we had a lot of free time, so we basically would just play cards... and have sex with each other.
Mr. Johnson: What's the name of that organization again?
Melissa: You know what? I'm not even mad. I'm impressed. I mean, I will get revenge on you, and you should look over your shoulder for the rest of your life, but... well done.

Electronic Voice: DJ A-V-A. A-A-A-A-A-A!
[Mary J. Blige's "I'm Goin' Down" plays]
♪ Time on my hands ♪
Mr. Johnson: [music stops] Gotta turn the lights off, Mary J. [music resumes]
Ava: [sings along] ♪ I'm goin' down ♪ ♪ I'm goin' down ♪ ♪ 'Cause you ain't around ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ ♪ My whole world's upside down ♪ ♪ Sleep don't come easy ♪ ♪ Boy, please believe me ♪ ♪ Since you been gone ♪ ♪ Everything's goin' wrong ♪

Gregory: What's your resting heart rate?
Janine: Around 75.
Gregory: Mm.
Melissa: What are you, a hummingbird?

Janine: No, it's just... I know what it's like to be a child at one of those pivotal moments, and, uh... You know, parents should be involved.
Gregory: But what are you afraid she's gonna end up like?
Ava: [enters] [sings] ♪ I got the sounds for your ass, and it's easy to see ♪ ♪ That this DJ be Ava C! ♪ I'm DJ'ing the open house! DJ A-V-A! Whatever.
Gregory: The superintendent is coming. Don't you think you should act more like... you know, a... principal?
Ava: Yeah, well, if the superintendent has notes for me, I got a note for him: don't let me catch you cheating on your wife. [laughs]
Gregory: What are you talking about?
Ava: Oh, you don't know? I caught him with the Deaconess. That's how I got this job. He thought he could get away with a thot, but he thought wrong. That's a tongue twister.
Gregory: Wait. Are you saying...
Ava: That that man is in my pocket like Jay-Z after the elevator. [laughs] I'ma go set up. Y'all got any requests, ask your mama, 'cause I don't take requests.

Janine: [aside to camera] I'm not sure when Nina's mom is coming, uh, but I'm starting to get a little anxious. This has to go well. So, just in case, I'm gonna go see Barbara to rehearse what I have to say. Barbara is my mentor. And you know what? She's kind of like my mom. She's my momtor.

Melissa: Mr. J! Come on. It's time.
Mr. Johnson: Hey, it's me, Mr. Johnson. I look different in my after-work clothes. You got him to play?
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Jacob: I think I'll be okay. You know, I... I've dabbled in Uno.
Melissa: Yeah, see? He dabbled in Uno. Listen, this is a nice, friendly game. You got nothing to worry about.
Jacob: Well, wonderful.
Melissa: Sit your ass down.
Mr. Johnson: Papa's getting a new set of brooms! [laughs]