Barbara: Devin's right. We're being foolish.
Jacob: Barbara!
Barbara: I cannot believe that I let myself get carried away. Projects like this, they do not work in public schools. [gasps] I pulled a Janine.
Jacob: I still think there's a way to make...
Barbara: Mnh-mnh! Mnh! [walks off]
Jacob: It... work.

Barbara: I know we need the money. And I have applied for that Advancement Grant for 10 years now. I just don't want to compromise my morals to get it.
Jacob: Look, while I admire that you've applied years in a row, have you heard that saying about the definition of insanity?
Barbara: Have you ever heard the saying that I will pop you upside your head if you imply that I am insane?

Janine: Barbara! [exhales sharply] I missed you so much. [laughing] Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna give you a hug. Let me put these boxes d...
Barbara: Ah-ah-ah!
[aside to camera:]
Barbara: I had a fantastic summer. After my cruise to Jamaica... All-inclusive... I worked with Ava to properly appropriate the funds that we got from the grant last year. And I found out in early July that I would be welcoming a student who uses a wheelchair, so I was very excited to be able to use part of that grant money to get a new ramp installed. My next goal is to get that student the appropriate desk... and follow up on the shoes I lost on the cruise. I was very inebriated. Oh! Sea Barbara is different than Land Barbara. [chuckles]

Barbara & Kids: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy...♪
Barbara: Hit that high note.
Barbara & Kids: ♪ ...dear Ryan ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Barbara: ♪ And how old ♪ ♪ Are you, Ryan? ♪
Ryan: Here she goes again.
Barbara: ♪ How o-o-o-old are you ♪ ♪ Ryan? ♪ ♪ How o-o-old ♪ ♪ Are yo-o-o-o-u? ♪
Ryan: I'm 6. [blows out candle]
Barbara: ♪ May the good Lord ♪ ♪ Bless yo-o-o-o-o-u ♪

Barbara: I distinctly remember telling both of you that my bathroom was off limits.
Janine: Yes. Yes. But then I remembered how if you needed help, I would give it to you.
Barbara: And that's lovely, but I said no.
Janine: Barbara, look, it's your free period. Your kids are at the gym.
Barbara: I don't care what period it is. I said no, and I do not need to explain my reasoning to you. When I say something, that is the end of the discussion. There is a period at the end of each of my sentences.
Gregory: That felt like an exclamation point.
Janine: Mnh-mnh.
Gregory: I'm sorry.

Barbara: I will keep a close eye on them, and if any of the students express any concern, I will be sure to let you know.
Miss Janet: And how are you holding up, Mrs. Howard?
Barbara: Me? [chuckles] Oh, I'm just fine. I lit a candle, then I received a phone call, and because I am a courteous person, I answered it. And... You know, this is just much ado about nothing. I'm fine. [Janet writes in her book] Are you writing I'm fine?
Miss Janet: I'm just taking some notes.
Barbara: Well, that's a lot of writing for "I'm fine." Um, "She's fine"... It's just two words, and one of them is a contraction. [Janet stands up] You know, when those vents get going, it is like a hurricane. So if there is anyone to blame, it would be the wind.
Miss Janet: Okay, I'll be going...
Barbara: And I just want you to have the specifics. Because I know that you are on a fact-finding mission.
Miss Janet: I'm just a counselor, not an investigator.
Barbara: Yes, but it seems like you are an investigator of feelings. And I want you to know that I am feeling just fine. Facts.

Miss Janet: I'm talking about Barbara Howard.
Gregory: Are you sure you don't mean Janine?
Miss Janet: I'm sure. Listen, I've been with people in the aftermath of some tough situations... Heart attacks, flooding, wig falling off at an assembly. Nothing shakes people up more than a fire. There's usually something under the surface.
Gregory: I feel like you're reading her wrong. Barbara is the most together and collected person at this school. She's made mistakes, but she moved on...
Barbara: [enters] Oh! Miss Janet. There you are. I just wanted to reiterate that I am fine.
Miss Janet: Is that all?
Barbara: Also, I wanted to add that I never listen to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire" when it comes up on my Pandora. "I'm Every Woman," not a pyromaniac. [Gregory looks to camera]
Gregory: No one was thinking that, Barbara.
Barbara: I know, but I just wanted to make sure that it was on the record. You know, in that little... fact-finding notebook of hers. Facts. [exits]
Gregory: It's worrisome. But I still think you should take a look at Janine.

Captain Robinson: Alright, folks, this meeting was actually not meant to be so interactive, okay? [click] Bottom line... no more open flames in school. Intentional or not, they start fires. Especially when used carelessly.
Barbara: Excuse me, but what exactly do you mean by open flame? I mean, surely candles are still okay.
Captain Robinson: A candle's an open flame, so, no, they're not.
Barbara: Well, that's ridiculous. I've been lighting candles here for 20 years without a single problem.
Gregory: Until today.
Barbara: And there won't be another.
Captain Robinson: Exactly, there won't be another one because there will be no more candles on this property.
Janine: Does that apply to birthday candles?
Barbara: Well, that is unfair. This school is full of hazards.
Jacob: And birthdays.
Barbara: You have no idea the nonsense that teachers get away with here repeatedly. But the one time I light a candle for peace of mind, without ever having a prior problem, you want to take it away from me. Well, that is unfair and ridiculous!

Barbara: Well, I guess this Silly Sock brigade is this generation's Rug Vermin.
Janine: Rugrats, and, um, wow.

[separately to camera:]
Janine: So, it's Teacher Appreciation Week, which is fun.
Melissa: It's a scam.
Jacob: It's merely a way for the school district to placate the teachers.
Barbara: This Teacher Appreciation thing, it's a bit of a show. I mean, every year, I receive so many of the perfume/lotion gift boxes from the students, but I have never received so much as a $50 Buffalo Wild Wing gift card from the district.