Gregory: Our principal is otherwise engaged. But I'm happy to fill in for her. How can I help you?
[aside to camera:]
Gregory: I took a series of catastrophe modules in my principal training. I'm also prepared for tidal waves, Facebook crashing - that's for the older teachers - and a lice outbreak. For the white teachers.

Jacob: Greetings and saaaaluuutations...
Ava: Not today, Jacob. This morning is already on my last nerve. I tried to take a picture of this woman's crooked lace front, dropped my phone, cracked it. I asked her to pay for it, she said she gonna call the cops. I am one minor inconvenience from putting this whole day in rice.
Jacob: Oh, been there. Sort of.

Jacob: Well, let me improve your day with a tasty offering. I made carrot cookies.
Janine: You mean carrot cake?
Jacob: As if. Carrot cookies... made with carrots and carrot juice.
Ava: Mnh, no, just looking at them almost put me over the top.
Jacob: Janine? Can I tempt you?
Janine: Yeah.
Jacob: They're made with salvaged oat pulp.
Gregory: Those look alive.
Jacob: Well, yeah. That's the probiotics.
Janine: Uh, you know what? I probably shouldn't on an empty stomach, so...

Captain Robinson: Good morning, everyone. I'm Captain Robinson. No relation to Smokey, so save your jokes. I've heard them all.
Janine: Hm.
Captain Robinson: I'd like to speak to your principal. [cellphone chimes]
Janine: Oh, well, that's... That's great because, actually, she just posted a video. She's probably on her way back to Abbott.
Ava: [on video] All my preppers know what time it is. Let's get into this. What's In My Go Bag: Fire Safety Edition. First up... matches. 'Cause one thing about me, I'mma fight fire with fire.
Janine: Alright.

Mr. Johnson: I lost three precious diamonds in the fire. And a Ferrari. Not sure if the time is right, but I think we should talk insurance.

Barbara: I will keep a close eye on them, and if any of the students express any concern, I will be sure to let you know.
Miss Janet: And how are you holding up, Mrs. Howard?
Barbara: Me? [chuckles] Oh, I'm just fine. I lit a candle, then I received a phone call, and because I am a courteous person, I answered it. And... You know, this is just much ado about nothing. I'm fine. [Janet writes in her book] Are you writing I'm fine?
Miss Janet: I'm just taking some notes.
Barbara: Well, that's a lot of writing for "I'm fine." Um, "She's fine"... It's just two words, and one of them is a contraction. [Janet stands up] You know, when those vents get going, it is like a hurricane. So if there is anyone to blame, it would be the wind.
Miss Janet: Okay, I'll be going...
Barbara: And I just want you to have the specifics. Because I know that you are on a fact-finding mission.
Miss Janet: I'm just a counselor, not an investigator.
Barbara: Yes, but it seems like you are an investigator of feelings. And I want you to know that I am feeling just fine. Facts.

Mr. Johnson: Accident schmaccident. I smell arson. Ask any of my exes. It's always arson. I blame Waiting to Exhale.

Miss Janet: I'm talking about Barbara Howard.
Gregory: Are you sure you don't mean Janine?
Miss Janet: I'm sure. Listen, I've been with people in the aftermath of some tough situations... Heart attacks, flooding, wig falling off at an assembly. Nothing shakes people up more than a fire. There's usually something under the surface.
Gregory: I feel like you're reading her wrong. Barbara is the most together and collected person at this school. She's made mistakes, but she moved on...
Barbara: [enters] Oh! Miss Janet. There you are. I just wanted to reiterate that I am fine.
Miss Janet: Is that all?
Barbara: Also, I wanted to add that I never listen to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire" when it comes up on my Pandora. "I'm Every Woman," not a pyromaniac. [Gregory looks to camera]
Gregory: No one was thinking that, Barbara.
Barbara: I know, but I just wanted to make sure that it was on the record. You know, in that little... fact-finding notebook of hers. Facts. [exits]
Gregory: It's worrisome. But I still think you should take a look at Janine.

Captain Robinson: Can anyone tell me the three leading causes of fires in schools?
Mr. Johnson: The CIA.
Captain Robinson: No.
Mr. Johnson: Too close to the truth, huh?

Captain Robinson: Alright, folks, this meeting was actually not meant to be so interactive, okay? [click] Bottom line... no more open flames in school. Intentional or not, they start fires. Especially when used carelessly.
Barbara: Excuse me, but what exactly do you mean by open flame? I mean, surely candles are still okay.
Captain Robinson: A candle's an open flame, so, no, they're not.
Barbara: Well, that's ridiculous. I've been lighting candles here for 20 years without a single problem.
Gregory: Until today.
Barbara: And there won't be another.
Captain Robinson: Exactly, there won't be another one because there will be no more candles on this property.
Janine: Does that apply to birthday candles?
Barbara: Well, that is unfair. This school is full of hazards.
Jacob: And birthdays.
Barbara: You have no idea the nonsense that teachers get away with here repeatedly. But the one time I light a candle for peace of mind, without ever having a prior problem, you want to take it away from me. Well, that is unfair and ridiculous!