Barbara & Kids: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy...♪
Barbara: Hit that high note.
Barbara & Kids: ♪ ...dear Ryan ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Barbara: ♪ And how old ♪ ♪ Are you, Ryan? ♪
Ryan: Here she goes again.
Barbara: ♪ How o-o-o-old are you ♪ ♪ Ryan? ♪ ♪ How o-o-old ♪ ♪ Are yo-o-o-o-u? ♪
Ryan: I'm 6. [blows out candle]
Barbara: ♪ May the good Lord ♪ ♪ Bless yo-o-o-o-o-u ♪

Melissa: A shallot. I said get an onion.
Jacob: Oh, Janine thought it was an onion that was adorable and small like her, and who am I to shatter that illusion.
Janine: [laughs] Does it really matter?
Melissa: Does it matter?
Jacob: Janine, come on. Of course it matters. Ooh! Now I get to patronize a local vendor. BRB.
[aside to camera:]
Jacob: I love haggling with neighborhood merchants. You should see their faces when I counter with a higher price. You've heard of up-selling? Well, I'm an up-buyer.

Gregory: You wanted to see me?
Ava: Why, yes, Mr. Eddie. I did. Though, ideally not under these circumstances. Don't make that face. I heard you're going around complaining about my principaling. Now, I've made it a point not to "harass" you these past few weeks and this is how you repay me?
Gregory: Ava, you do these kids a disservice by not being the strong authority figure that they need. Kids are supposed to be scared to go to the principal's office. You turned it into a Chuck E. Cheese.
Ava: [chuckles] Don't say that. I got beef with every Charles Entertainment Cheese in the greater Philadelphia area.
Gregory: Can I go? Have you not embarrassed me enough?
Ava: Now, how do you think it feels for a six or seven year old to make that walk of shame? By the time they get to my office, they got snot running down their face and they're shaking like a Chihuahua, and what? I'm supposed to punish them? And then what? I gotta tune out some sobbing child while I'm trying to watch Below Deck? If you don't agree with my approach, you need to get Micah under control on your own. [over intercom] I'm sending Mr. Eddie back to his class. Let's all hope he's learned his lesson. [to the kids] I got next game.

Janine: Hey, Melissa? Hey. I'm... I'm sorry. I was just trying to fix your relationship with your sister, not re-create an episode of The Sopranos. Is that offensive? I haven't seen it. I don't know.

Melissa: Okay, listen, I can teach you how to make a cheap, non-embarrassing meal. It might take you five days to finish it, but it'll be delicious, so it won't skeeve you till the third day.
Janine: Really?
Melissa: Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna regret this, but... you just come to my place tonight.
Jacob: What time? I mean, can I come? I need you to help me with my wine pairings. Zach... he gets embarrassed when I ask the clerk for the, "second least expensive bottle."
Melissa: Well, I couldn't think of a reason why you can't quick enough, so yeah, I frickin' guess you can, buddy.

Janine: Is that...
Melissa: Yes, my cousin Vinny, and you wouldn't know that if you were minding your own business. So now close your eyes and follow the sound of my voice. This way. You think this is a [bleep] joke?
Jacob: Ma'am.
Melissa: Eyes.
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: Yeah, at school, I make sure I don't use salty language. It's my house. I don't give a [bleep].

Janine: So, do I have to be that specific about ingredients? I mean, well, I wonder if I could switch it up. I hear cooking's like jazz. [chuckles]
Melissa: No, Dizzy Gillespie. It's not like that. You got to be specific. My sister Kristin Marie used the wrong ingredient making our Nana's signature dish and brought that dish to her wake. I haven't spoken to her since.
Janine: Phew! Well, I may not know about cooking, but I know a thing or two about sisters. [chuckles] [blender whirring] [whirring stops] So does your sister... [whirring resumes] That's really loud. [chuckles] [whirring stops]
Melissa: Alright, you're not getting the hint. Go ahead, finish.
Janine: Hint? Anyway [sighs] my sister and I aren't that close either. I mean, literally. She moved to Colorado because she just couldn't take my mom. I mean, we still talk. Sorry. Garlic, you know, makes you... Makes you cry.
Melissa: Yeah, garlic doesn't do that. Do it like this.
[aside to camera:]
Janine: I know that Melissa's quick to cut people off. She even stopped talking to her hairdresser because he called her Melinda once, but, I mean, her own sister? That's just heartbreaking.

Melissa: [doorbell rings] Janine, could you get that, please?
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: It's probably one of my neighbors thinking you're an interracial couple trying to gentrify the neighborhood.

Gregory: [aside to camera] This isn't the first time Micah has disrupted my class. From what I understand, he's obsessed with a TV show about Australian dogs. Blue-ish or something. I don't know. It doesn't matter. What matters is I've tried everything to keep him in line and nothing works. It's gotten to the point where even his classmates are annoyed. Do you know how hard it is to annoy a first grader?
[flashback:]
Micah: Bingo! Bingo! Bingo, Bingo, Bingo!
Gregory: Um, everybody, e-eyes up here.
Micah: Bingo, Bluey!
[aside to camera:]
Gregory: Bluey. The show is called Bluey.

Melissa: Oh, so it's about money? 'Cause I can stretch a budget like a big headed baby stretches a...